Ok SD pulled her head out of GUBM's backside long enough to call SO yesterday
The plans for the weekend for us haven't changed. And I am quite grateful for SO not doing that. However I'm now anxious when I should be excited.
Quick background: I am going to a conference this evening, tomorrow, and Saturday. I'm going to meet one of my heroes and other fantastic women at this conference. Then, Saturday night, we are going to a birthday dinner for my mom. Sunday morning, I'm going to church with my mentor from adolescence/second mom and then we are doing a brunch celebration at her house re: my graduation. Sunday evening, SO's mom is having a family BBQ to celebrate my graduation as well.
Well. Last night ended with GUBM agreeing to drop SD at SO's moms house tonight and to pick her up either Saturday or Sunday night.
I'm anxious because I doubt that SD recalls that my conference ends Saturday afternoon and that I will be around Saturday and Sunday. She is presently more focused on seeing her cousins. She's not even focused on getting to see SO. Like that's totally secondary for her.
I'm also anxious because I don't put it past SD to run her mouth about me to SO's family (I mean this is the kid who told SO's niece that SO said he didn't love her anymore and wanted nothing to do with her). SO's family has been updated on SD's attitude but I still don't put running off at the mouth past her.
I'm also anxious about SD being bratzilla towards me when she's around. I refuse to be intimidated by a teenager and I refuse to be bullied by her anymore. But it doesn't quell my anxiety.
And I'm anxious because I expect SD to have a problem with the fact that there will be any focus on me. SO has said that this weekend is about me, not her, and that he is not inviting her to my mom's birthday dinner or my graduation brunch. And SD freaks out when she isn't center stage. So. I'm largely expecting a repeat from my last graduation (when I got my two year degree) an SD acted out all weekend because people were focused on me.
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I don't think you should be
I don't think you should be intimidated by her. But I do have to say that I feel that the adults in her life put too much on her shoulders. BM does this by PASing. SO does this to a smaller extent, by asking SD to communicate with BM about her getting there. I know he gets a lot of grief from BM, but he should turn to fathers rights groups and online support forums for advice on how to deal with someone like BM, and maybe ask those dads for third party recommendations that work for them. He should give the idea of a third party another shot (I think). And to be blunt, I think you hold her to an adult level of accountability by lumping her in with GUBM. This kid would probably catch a lot of heat from BM if she dared to say anything good about SO. Don't get me wrong, she knows she's acting incorrectly but given the PAS and poor parenting, she doesn't have the skill set and emotional wherewithal to overcome it, and probably won't until she's an adult. Add to that the fact that her hormones are probably raging. I don't miss being a teenaged girl!
You said something recently about SO treating SD like a grown up. How BM treats her like a grown up. I doubt that SD wants to be treated like a grownup. She should be more focused on when Justin Bieber's new song is coming out.
I know you can't and shouldn't tell SO how to parent. But I do hope he will seek out online fathers rights groups and give the idea of third parties another shot. He should seek counseling for himself-the counselor may know of good third parties and likely can help him deal with BM, so maybe some of that adult pressure can be taken off SD's shoulders.
She's a teenager. Most teens aren't going to be focused on seeing their parents. They're going to be focused on seeing those close in age to them (in this case, her cousins).
I hold SD accountable for
I hold SD accountable for treating me like shit. That's not an adult level of accountability. That's called she shouldn't treat anyone like shit so she needs to learn not to do that.
I already know your feelings on blaming parents over kids based off other posts you have made and I strongly disagree.
And SD loves being treated like a grown up. Because then there are no chores or expectations from parents. If she doesn't want to do something she doesn't do it. And I know she loves to be treated that way because very shortly into my relationship with SO, SD told me that she wanted nothing to do with her parents being her parents. She wanted them to just give her stuff and be left alone to do whatever she wanted. This is also the same refrain she whined all last summer. She loves it. Is it good? Fuck no. She's 13 and should be treated as such. But if she wants to play "adult" and is so set on being an adult, SO is going to show her what being an adult means.