FDH is trying, but still leaves some things to be desired.
Before SD got here, FDH and I had it out about her tendency to act like a mini-adult/wife, still, and how he encourages it without realizing it. Namely, the way she tries to dictate how he parents her by telling him not to talk to GUBM when he doesn't even WANT to talk to GUBM but HAS to talk to GUBM about SD's school. She has a high-conflict mom, I get it, but she needs to just suck it up a little bit and understand that FDH is doing her a greater disservice if he DOESN'T try to communicate certain things to GUBM, because then he's sticking her in the middle just like GUBM does. SD also has a habit of dictating things when she's here - like when she wants to go out, she won't say "Hey, I want to go for a walk for about a half hour, is that OK with you?" It ends up being more like "I'm going to go for a walk. I'll be back in 30 minutes." And then she disappears for an hour or longer. Yea, no. Not happening anymore.
After FDH and I came to an agreement with SD trying to act like an adult in the house - namely that it needs to be shut down immediately because I refuse to live with a teenager who thinks they have as much sway and power as either myself or her dad (been there, done that in 2012 TYVM, not repeating THAT nightmare) - we decided it needed to be incorporated into the house rules, which needed re-writing anyway as they were two years out of date and didn't include anything about school. We decided, rather than make it a stand-alone rule, that it should go into the "contract" part of the house rules.
Quick aside: the way our rules are set up is a list of things SD must follow and their consequences that she keeps hung up in her bedroom so she can reference them (we give her one rule per year of her age, so she has 14 rules right now and a consequence associated with each that relates to the rule. So, if we expect her to keep her room picked up and clean it weekly, and she doesn't, she gets extra chores. Or, if she doesn't do her schoolwork during the time we have set aside for her every day, she loses all privileges until she's done with school for the day) and they range from things she absolutely cannot do ever (lying), to things we expect of her (schoolwork, hygiene), to things that we think will make her life easier (learning how to communicate effectively), and things that are positive and good for her (having personal downtime before bed everynight so she gets time alone, freedom to go out without us with conditions, the freedom to come talk to us about any problem that will be listened to without judgment and with compassion).
They're short and to the point so she can memorize them. The top page of the rules is the "contract" part. It always has and always will list out the point of the rules, that we're willing to negotiate consequences with her but not while she's actively in trouble, that FDH and I both have authority over the house, and it serves as a place for all three of us to sign so we can hold SD to her agreement (because she's notorious for agreeing to something and then complaining about it later). This time, we included a bit about how SD does not have authority over me or FDH and how the rules of the house are not negotiable, but that FDH and I can change them as we see fit (adding more rules if needed, giving her more freedom as she shows she's capable of it, pushing back bedtime as she gets older, etc).
FDH made a big point of telling SD that she cannot negotiate these rules with us and that she's not an adult in this house, that she will no longer dictate the way things are and that she needs to start acting like the kid in the house and respecting the fact that FDH and I both have final say in the way our house runs. We read through the rules with her, she agreed to follow them, and as soon as we finished, FDH puts his foot in his damn mouth. "You know, SD, if you ever want, we can always talk about these rules and change them if needed. If you don't like any of them, just tell us and we will change them." What the ever loving CHRIST are you doing, FDH?! I discreetly kicked him and pointed to the first page and said "These rules are not negotiable, FDH and AtMC will be in charge of changing them as WE see fit. And SD does not have authority over FDH or AtMC. We will negotiate consequences with SD, but, the house rules are determined by the adults in the house." Like, seriously, how hard is it to remember in the course of five minutes that SD has a pre-existing problem acting like a mini-adult/wife?
And then he proceeds to tell her that she can always hang out with US during her personal downtime. Now, the downtime regulation is something FDH and I came up with back in November for two very good reasons: One - SD likes to hang out by herself in her room, but we want her to socialize and be involved in the house, so, we gave her scheduled time to hang out by herself so that she knows she can get that time every day even though we're "forcing" her to be social; if she doesn't get a chance to just be alone with her thoughts and a good book during the day, she is guaranteed that time every night of the week. And Two - Since we pushed back her bedtime to the same time that FDH and I roughly go to bed during the week, it gives us adult alone time Monday-Friday since the rest of the day tends to be filled with work, checking in on SD's schoolwork (which FDH handles after work or when he wakes up), dinner, errands, chores, the typical day to day stuff. We don't get much time alone otherwise, so I requested that time from FDH back in November. SD has never had a problem shuffling off to her room to be by herself at night. She's definitely the type of person who recharges by being alone and I can totally get that because I am that kind of person, too.
I could have shaken the crap out of him when he told her that she can always come hang out with us during her personal downtime because that totally defeats the purpose of it, IMO, for everyone involved. It gives FDH and I our alone time during the week, it gives SD the chance to recharge and relax at the end of the day, and on the weekends it gives me a break because I'm alone with SD from 7:30PM until her bedtime on Saturday and Sunday nights. I bet he could feel the look I was giving him because he started to stammer and said "You know, if you, well, ever needed anything. Like, if you had a question, or needed something, you could come talk to us or something."
I just don't get what goes on in his head sometimes.
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Your rules seem a little too
Your rules seem a little too structured to me and are going to cause more rebellion. JMHO. I have a stepkid that we have to force to socialize with us. The rule is we eat together dinner and then watch a show either during or immediately after depending on the dinner. We have about 5 series that we watch with him. After one hour show or two half hour sitcoms, he can go back to his room. That is it. He knows it and doesn't complain much. He will grunt sometimes, but he knows he has to spend time with us.
He is the only kid left in the house and this forces him to still be part of the family and gets him off his xbox or computer and Skype with his friends.
After we are done, DH and I have the rest of the evening together unless it is an activity night. Everyone is happy and I don't feel like a bad parent for having a Stepkid that would rather do gaming than spend time with his family.
The only truly structured
The only truly structured part of our house rules are the times SD has to spend working on school (that coincide with the times that she has to log on to get credit for attendance), her bedtime, and her downtime. And that's not that structured considering she has zero structure at GUBM's house. We, unfortunately, have to build in a bit of it for her because she lacks it at GUBM's. And while she rebelled against rules in the past (largely because GUBM had her convinced that I had brainwashed FDH and the rules were all my doing), she has come forth and told us that while she isn't used to have structure, she likes having it and knowing that some things will always happen no matter what. Because she can NEVER count on GUBM to do anything she says she will if it benefits SD, and she's known that since she was at least 9.
Yes, but hanging them in her
Yes, but hanging them in her room for her to memorize them is so.... I don't know, regimented, and to me, doesn't facilitate ANY bonding with the adults in this situation. She may as well be just a number or a pet.
I agree that every home needs house rules, but I think it should stay between the adults.
Perhaps memorize wasn't the
Perhaps memorize wasn't the word I wanted, but, perhaps be aware and learn the house rules and what is expected of her. Before this past November, she had not been here since 2012. We want her to succeed in doing well at school and cohabitating with us, so, we want her to have them where she will see them every day (bedroom) and where she can reference them if she needs until she knows them well (hence why they're short and to the point). And by all means, don't do what we did with your kids/skids. Because I'll say this much, SD does get the chance to bond with both of us and she knows she is not just a number or a pet in our house.
>>>>I agree that every home needs house rules, but I think it should stay between the adults.<<<<
Why shouldn't a 14 year old be included in the discussion of house rules? The adults set the house rules in our home, but, she needs to be aware of what they are, first of all, in order to meet the expectations. And she also needs to be aware of how she either met, exceeded, or failed to meet expectations. Sorry, but that last statement you made is just bizarre.
I don't have a problem with
I don't have a problem with discussing house rules with any child, but pinning them up in her room like a prayer is a bit much. There are going to be many situations that your contract doesn't cover as she gets older. These discussions should be between the adults first, and then discussed with the child once you both agree on them.
You complain she acts like an adult/mini wife, but my thought is that because of the way the rules are written out, and appear to be pounded into her by having to read it over with you and study it, it creates a disconnect. That is probably why your FDH said that if she wants to talk about changes, he is open to the suggestion. it seems he is trying to play both sides of the fence to please you AND be a father to his kid.
Everyone is different. To me though, this is just very unfeeling and lends itself to a foster home type scenario.
Firstly, FDH and I both know
Firstly, FDH and I both know that there will be situations that the house rules don't cover, that's why we don't hope to cover every last little situation in our house rules and have left many of them general. Because it's just not conducive to hope to cover every sitauation. And the reason why it hangs in her room? Because she has no structure at GUBM's, and never has, and she needs the reminders in her face when she's here. This is based off of almost five years of experience. Trust me, we tried just telling her the rules and not having them hanging in the house for her to reference, and it NEVER worked because GUBM undermined our house rules and lets SD do whatever she wants when she's home (with exceptions, but mostly as it pertains to GUBM dragging her away from schoolwork, she won't let SD do that).
And SD knows that stuff gets discussed between us when the situtation isn't clear cut, as well as when even the most clear cut house rules get broken. You don't know the entire scenario for our rules because I didn't post "here are all of our house rules" and list them all out because *yawn*. For instance, SD knows that if she's having problems following the rules/meeting expectations, we'll all sit down and discuss it together to figure out how to make it easier for her after FDH and I discuss the situation - because it's our call as to whether we change the rules.
ETA: She acts like a mini-adult/wife because of two things: FDH and GUBM treating her like she's an adult for the majority of her life, and GUBM letting her make decisions like dropping out of school at the age of 13, or not wanting to visit her dad because GUBM alienated her against me.
So, just keep on speculating over a situation you don't fully know.
Yea, it's clear that you
Yea, it's clear that you don't understand based on your comment.
We don't want her in her room 24/7, which is why we have the "downtime" built into the house rules. It was something that we built in for her to have something she wanted, and it gives us some time to ourselves as well. If she had the option, she would choose to be alone all day long and hide in her room, doing her schoolwork, going on the computer or what have you. She doesn't get socialization when she's at GUBM's and is largely left to herself, which she prefers.
She is guaranteed that hour every day to recharge and spend time by herself away from other people, and she gets extra if it comes up and wants to go read by herself or something; it's not like we deny her her personal space if she wants some. She's alone most of the day anyway, which is why it is built in at the end of each day, so we can all spend time together Monday-Friday (or so FDH and she can spend time together) before downtime and bedtime.
Again, clearly, you don't
Again, clearly, you don't understand what I'm saying. So I'll make it clear (even though my better judgment always tells me to ignore the hell out of your comments)
We do not want SD in her room 24/7. We do not care if SD has free time and wants to go into her room, but, sometimes our day does not pan out that way, so we have guaranteed her one hour every night of alone time so she can get her solo-time. It is something SD wants, and she gets it every day no matter how hectic the schedule is.
And I'll say to you what I said above: You don't know our house rules, so, speculate on them being too controlling all you like. Kthx bye.
Lol, yea, I know better. I
Lol, yea, I know better. I always tell myself "stop, don't bother, it won't do any good." But yesterday, I clearly just did not know better.
I think if you worded the
I think if you worded the down time better it would be more acceptable. My house rule with my own bios was that during the work and school week, the house closed to my teens between 9:00 p.m. and the time my husband and I went to bed, usually around 10ish. They either had to go to their own rooms and watch a show, read, play, whatever, as long as I didn't see them during that time. They could come back out after we went to bed as long as they were quiet.
We had them 24/7. You do need a break from them while you and your husband wind down for bed.
As far as socializing, we ALL had dinner together and on Friday nights we had game night, until, of course, they got older and either worked or went out with friends.
SD actually has no problem
SD actually has no problem accepting the downtime rule, and it's one thing she really looks forward to on a daily basis. It gives her time to work on her personal writing or read a book (she brought an entire book series with her this month and she's already plowed through the first book lol). I think FDH was trying to seem less strict, which was weird because SD had no issues going over the house rules with us at all. She likes them all based on the fact that they're rules FDH and I follow as well (respect yourself and others, use kind words, be honest, ask if you need help).
And my figuring is not only do we need a break from SD, but, I'm sure there are plenty of times when SD needs a break from us and it just doesn't happen during any other part of the day when we're all together, depending on what we have on our schedules.
We're also amending our dinner time routine. We always prepare and eat dinner together, but, going forward, we're going to get in the habit of turning off the TV during dinner and engaging in conversation with one another because it's not only nice to be able to talk with people during your meal, it's another thing we know SD doesn't get at GUBM's house.
One thing SD really struggles with is being able to talk to other people. She's expected to just agree with GUBM, and if she doesn't she gets scolded. If she talks about things GUBM doesn't want her to talk about, she's ignored. So we want to teach her that she can talk about whatever she wants and that we'll listen, so we put plenty of that into our rules and we're hoping to encourage that with more social dinners.
You, much like everyone else
You, much like everyone else on this comment thread it seems, are basing your assessment of our house rules on the post I wrote which does not explicitly state the house rules, but gives the content of them and our reasoning behind them. Trust me when I say that they are not harsh or militant and that is probably your interpretation based on the post I wrote.
But you want to know what is harsh and militant? The only rule GUBM has for SD. That SD must NEVER disagree with her. Her consequence is even worse than the rule itself, because when SD disagrees with her, she gets yelled at and told to "keep a civil tongue" in her head.
We do keep the fun things out of SD's room for the most part. FDH let her bring her own Xbox out to hook up in her room (which I wasn't thrilled about because that just means she'll be squirreled away in there more). I have no problem with her wanting to play video games, but, honestly, I'd rather her play them out here in the living room on our Xbox. She doesn't like having to ask to use our Xbox, but, FDH made it clear to her that she can't just go play games whenever she wants like she does at GUBM's house, so, she still has to ask, so it mitigates her wiling away the hours on the Xbox in her room.
We also make sure to do things with SD when she's here. Just as much as she doesn't want to spend all of her time here doing school and crap around the house, we don't want to spend all of our time working and doing crap around the house, lol. Sometimes, the things we do are errands and we invite her along and make an evening of it, rather than just run to the store, get what you need, get home, and collapse on the couch. And sometimes, we take her out to do fun activities.
Last night, FDH and I took her out to dinner with some of our friends. We got to go hang around a bookstore for a while and then have a delicious dinner with fantastic people, so SD got to sit around and read some Manga comics she likes (she prefers to sit in the bookstore and read them rather than buy them because she long ago figured out that it takes her 20 minutes to read them and that it's a waste of money to buy them lol). And today, we're taking her out again (we need to get a new futon mattress for her bed, but, we're also taking her to a new comic book store that a friend-of-a-friend just opened today). So, some errand running, but also a fun outing as well.
We also lucked out in terms of friends out here because we have one friend who has a son who is just a year older than SD and has a lot of common interests, so we get together with them pretty regularly when she's here. And, then there's the nights when SD and I just sit around and watch Buffy on Netflix. She got into it back in November when I was home sick from work and had my own personal marathon of season 5. Since then, she and I have both set aside time to binge on seasons so she can watch all 7 of them before diving into the comic book seasons.
Ok, ATMC, take this for what
Ok, ATMC, take this for what it's worth. The rules are too intense/wordy/what-have-you and accidentally do exactly what they're supposed to prevent - they put SD in a too-grown-up position.
It is clear to me that you care very much about creating a loving environment for SD. I think the rules, for you, are supposed to help SD see the line between kid and adult. This is a line she is unfamiliar with due to her life with GUBM. And which was not helped by FDH's Disney parenting back in the day. I think you are absolutely right that she needs help to see the line at all, and that she should be on the kid side of the line.
I think, because of how analytically you think and the kind of emotionally aware person you are, that your expectation of what SD can/should be capable of is very high. It is not too high for you - now or when you were her age. But it is too high for most teens. And by expectation, I mean specifically the way the rules are presented & structured. Not the content themselves. In fact, the content is great because everything is clearly spelled out, which gives her a glimpse of the line (and security
My suggestion for the rules is to make them as short as possible - take out as many words as possible. That will help keep SD in the kid role.
Another suggestion is to reframe some of SD's annoying behaviours so that it's easier for her to make progress. For example, dictating what she's going to do. Instead of criticising her for dictating, tell her that our family shows our love, respect and courtesy for one another by letting others know where we are and when we'll see each other again. And make sure you take your leave and greet her. Because really, you want her to feel loved and valued as a person, and to show that she loves and values you guys. The rules are supposed to be supporting her in that, that's why you spent so much time and energy crafting them. Now you've got them in the extended play version... time to make an audio clip
We definitely wrote them up
We definitely wrote them up and have them framed for her in a manner that is appropriate for her age and discussed them with her appropriately as well. I made sure of that when we wrote them up because I wanted them to be as quick and easy for her to scan over on a regular basis as possible and I didn't want to keep her sitting around listening and talking about the house rules longer than is really necessary. For example, her copy of the rules, where it talks about downtime and bedtime every night? It simply says "You will get downtime every evening" and "Respect your bedtime". For her own copy, it's short, sweet, and to the point.
For instance, the words "SD doesn't dictate things to FDH or AtMC" don't appear anywhere in the "contract" or the rules. That's language that I use and understand, so, I used it in my blog post. Her list says that when she wants to go out by herself, we want to know where she will be going and that she needs to ask/get permission first. And many of our rules are based on things that we have seen her do in the past and know she's capable of - FDH and I used her behavior these past two visits to frame them. For instance, we know she's capable of having polite discourse with us, so, we included the rule of being kind with her words to encourage her to keep doing that (so that's a rule she will have no problem meeting/exceeding every day).
We just let her know that she's the kid, and that's her job - to be a kid (and do school) - while FDH and I have the job of being the adults in the house, which is what the contract part states - "SD is the kid, FDH and AtMC are the adults." My blog post should not be taken as indicative of what the rules state explicitly or how they're worded - because I know that SD is years behind me in many respects; she's 14 and I'm 31. We want her to succeed with these things because it makes her feel good about herself when she does well, and we want to give her as many opportunities to feel good about herself when she's here because she doesn't get those chances very often with GUBM, as you know.
Quick side trip: FDH told me that SD had been so proud of herself for getting ahead in school the last time she was here (which is absolutely something to be proud of because she came back to us a month behind, so she got caught up to where the kids who had started in September would be and then passed that point!) but GUBM didn't even acknowledge that for her when she told her. Whereas when she's here, when FDH and I come home from work for the day, SD and I check in with each other about our days and when she tells me she did X number of assignments, or finished a big assignment, or got caught up in a subject, she gets a "great job!" and a high five and hug from me. Heck, the kid sits home by herself doing schoolwork because FDH and I both work full-time jobs, so I can't even begin to imagine how much it would suck to be so proud of yourself for that accomplishment, wait for someone to come home to tell them, and then just get a brush off like she does at GUBM's house.
She's learned to be very self-deprecating thanks to GUBM. Right now, she's struggling with a word problem on her current math assignment - and unfortunately is the kind of word problem I can't help her with because it's one of those damn train ones. She's taking a break and having a snack and said "I must not be as good at these problems as I thought." Cue my heart hurting for her. So I said "Perhaps you just need to take a break from it and have your snack. You haven't had breakfast yet. You are probably just as good as these problems as you think."
Our hope with these is not only to squash the mini-adult/wife behavior, but, also, to show her that through certain actions, she will get more responsibilities and freedoms to do things that she pleases to do, which has always been our goal with house rules, and to boost her own self-confidence in her ability to do things.
We even made sure to spell it out very clearly to her that it is our job to provide her not only with education, healthcare, clothing, food, and shelter, but that we also have the responsibility of providing her with compassion, love, and emotional support as well. Because, again, nothing she gets from GUBM, sadly.
Well, and TBH I may have
Well, and TBH I may have jumped on the "these rules are too long and formal and and and" bandwagon.
I think you and FDH are doing well. She's getting the support she needs in all areas - like, she's a loner so she gets alone time but you still support her developing social skills; she'll internalize something being difficult as she's dumb/can't do it so you help her see factors (like being hungry) can affect our attitude, and that attitude can affect success.
It's totally OK, I can
It's totally OK, I can definitely understand how it comes across - my writing in my blog can easily be interpreted as what the house rules explicitly say because I'm verbose lol. So, I'm sure as you could imagine it took a lot of work to pare down the rules to quick and simple sentences lol, but with FDH's help I managed. Making it all positive was easy, though, because we both decided we wanted to set boundaries without being super harsh and telling her "Here's a list of things you cannot do, ever."
She already has a pretty negative outlook on life and herself based on the things I've heard her say. "I'm not as good at math as I thought I was" and "I can't sit still, I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't" or "This didn't turn out the way I had envisioned, so I guess I'm not good at this, either" when talking about writing and art projects. And I know where it all comes from, it all comes from GUBM who is quick to snap at her when she paces back and forth in GUBM's house - because SD doesn't get a chance to go outside to get some solid exercise - and far too quick to tell her that she's not as smart as she thinks she is when SD doesn't know something.
Hearing her call herself dumb, oh, that was the thing that broke my heart the most; hearing her question her own intelligence when she doesn't understand something - especially when it's math, something she LOVES - because it is all too common for young women her age to be turned away from the STEM fields. I haven't even told FDH about that yet. I don't even know why.
But, it also hurt my heart because she's nothing short of brilliant all around. When she puts her mind to it, she can knock school out like nobody's business and things just click for her. That, of course, makes it frustrating when she does the typical teenager thing of complaining about school for the sake of complaining and to put off doing the work, but I digress. Heck, she might even be able to finish up her 8th grade year within the next 2 months if she puts the work in, which would be great for her because then she could start her "summer break" early. Luckily, she had success after eating and taking a break yesterday, so I gave her a high five and a hug and said "I knew you could do it!" She was so proud of herself and I wanted to reinforce that she SHOULD be proud.
We try not to push too hard with the socialization thing with her, honestly; it's a fine balance that we had to figure out with her and we're still experimenting as we go along. Like, we try to make sure she's present in the common areas of the house more often than not, but, if she wants to sit and read while in the living room, that's totally fine with us. If she wants to talk and socialize, we gladly let her do it; although FDH has, at times, cut her off and said things like "You're talking AtMC's ear off" but I don't care. I will gladly listen to whatever SD has to say because she's stifled by GUBM. And sometimes, it's nice to have someone want to talk to you.
FDH wants her to go learn how to make friends but I don't want to push her too hard too quickly out of her comfort zone, because then it's just doing the opposite of what GUBM does, for the sake of not doing what GUBM does. And that's exactly what GUBM does with certain things. Like, she knows we have house rules, so she has no house rules for SD just because we do and she won't be like us. She knows that we are involved with SD's school, so she's completely disinterested (granted, that's an oversimplification because she's also disinterested because she had nothing to do with it and it makes her look bad because her "homeschooling" idea failed." He and I constantly check ourselves against that when it comes to SD - we want to make sure that we're doing what's right for her and not just doing what GUBM refuses to do. And we had a quick chat about it this weekend because when we went out to dinner Friday night with some friends, he said some words of encouragement to her about being social and said "We'll get you out of your shell yet." I personally think that it should be on her own terms and when she's ready and that she should be allowed to "come out of her shell" as much as she's comfortable doing - because look at all the other creatures in our world that have literal shells for protection.
This kid has lost people in her life mostly through being ripped away from them by her mother and has struggled to make them stay in her life, which is tricky at best when you have great social skills, but is difficult when you're a pre-teen or teen and already feel like an outcast and loner/loser like SD has courtesy of her mom. She tells FDH all the time that she's content just being by herself and he thinks that's just a line she's fed herself enough over the years that she's starting to believe it. I'm inclined to believe that to an extent, because she gets nothing but verbal and emotional abuse from her mother when she's "disagreeable" and it's really easy to internalize that when you have nothing else in your life telling you that the abusive person is just being a flaming asshole. However, she does exhibit traits of introversion, and there's nothing wrong with that. She doesn't have to socialize all day every day.
And this became a really long sappy reply lol. I'm just feeling a little sappy today because SD is being pretty amazing lately. And kind of adorable. She came out here this visit with a few things that are similar to things I own myself - nothing big, an electric toothbrush and a particular brand of lip balm. And I know, even though she's not coming out and saying so herself, that she got them because I have them. Because I casually mentioned how much I love both my electric toothbrush and the lip balm the last time she was here. So whether she realizes it or not, she's emulating me in certain ways that are very subversive towards GUBM without being blatant and obvious, which is a nice, heartwarming change from the way things were last year, when she hated me so much.
I had a difficult home life,
I had a difficult home life, but there was a neighbour lady who I really credit with getting me safely through the teenage years. I could always talk to her, I could count on a discussion rather than an emotional reaction - so my intellect got engaged on the teen drama decisions, which made my choices MINE and not just doing what I was told (which would never have worked for long). She was open with her life, and I felt liked and loved by her, which is something I sorely missed at home. She had me doing tons of chores and errands for her (she was mildly disabled at that point, although I think partly the chores were "what do I do with this athletic teen who won't go home!!" as well!)
I had no doubt about the rules in her house, I enjoyed helping her run her household and she was my 'safe place'. I am sure that your SD sees you in that role. It is complicated for her because of how GUBM has targeted you and FDH - and living together in one home is different than visiting - and I have always liked how you stay out of the GUBM/FDH drama in front of SD. I really think the more you enjoy SD and let her see it, the more enjoyable she will become.
It's so easy to focus on what could/should be better/different as though it's INSTEAD of the great things right in front of you.
I definitely agree, GUBM has
I definitely agree, GUBM has fed her so many lines about how I must hate her that SD needs to be shown that I enjoy having her around and being around her. Some days it is harder than others, but that's not because of her. Like today, for instance. Today I went and had to get an MRI done on my hip (ugh), so I had to spend three hours at the hospital today to get my leg/hip numbed up, contrast dye injected into my joint, and then the MRI. And I'm feeling pretty exhausted and beat up after it so my attention span is zilch. Then there's the whole aspect of not being able to walk really well because the top half of my right leg was numb when we got home, but, now that it's regaining sensation, the joint is sore because of the contrast dye. Couple that with a personally rough weekend and anxiety triggered big time by issues between myself and FDH, and the poor kid might think that I don't want her hanging around me. Which is totally not the case. Of course, she's done with school for the day and ran out of books to read yesterday, so she's trying to find a way to entertain herself.
Thankfully, FDH explained to her that I'm beat up and exhausted, so, she hopefully won't take it too personally.
And that's something that I've always tried to do, and is an unspoken promise I made to myself for SD's sake. I stay out of the FDH/GUBM drama in front of her because, let's face it, it's awkward enough that her mom and dad bicker with one another and put her in the middle. She doesn't need another adult stirring up the shit pot that is her parents' separation.
I think most teens that age
I think most teens that age will try it on by stating or assuming that they can do something, rather than asking. It makes it more awkward for conflict averse parent or stepparent to say no when you haven't actually asked. My YSD did it all the time 'I'm going into town' instead of 'can I go into town'. In some ways it's a healthy expression of increasing independence, as long as the parents aren't afraid to call the teen out on it when necessary.
As for the rules, written rules are reassuring for the stepparent who doesn't want to be reiterating and enforcing all the time, and can help with a sense of fairness and consistency and put some back bone in a lackadaisical bioparent - who will feel more obliged to enforce them if they are written down. But the assuming not asking behaviour probably doesn't warrant a specific rule. It just needs calm calling out so she doesn't get in the habit, and remembers to ask not inform when necessary. And you have to loosen the reins a bit at 14 and pick your battles - downtime in her room is a nice routine but I wouldn't enforce it as a rule.
The statement "And SD does not have authority over FDH or AtMC" sounds all wrong. It's such a given it shouldn't have to be listed in a rules chart! It smacks of protesting too much, or insecurity on both your parts, as though you think you're in a battle for authority.
>>>>The statement "And SD
>>>>The statement "And SD does not have authority over FDH or AtMC" sounds all wrong. It's such a given it shouldn't have to be listed in a rules chart! It smacks of protesting too much, or insecurity on both your parts, as though you think you're in a battle for authority.<<<<
That's what I said to FDH, that's not what the "contract" says, and it isn't listed anywhere in her rules. Unfortunately, with our situation, we have to make that clear to SD. She has zero structure or boundaries at GUBM's house and has been privy to a Disney Dad for most of the time that I've been with FDH - and longer than that because he treated her less like a child and more like a best friend for her entire life. She still gets zero structure at GUBM's and gets conflicting messages from the way GUBM treats her - some days she treats her like an adult, and others, she treats her like she's still a five year old. So, in our situation, it's absolutely necessary to remind SD. It, however, is not part of her rules list. It is in the "contract" that we all signed. That isn't something that's going to be in her face every day because the "contract" part got signed and filed away. The only part of the contract that will be in her face every day? The part that guarantees SD that FDH and I are required to provide her with love, compassion, emotional support, adequate food, shelter, clothing, education, healthcare, and protection from abuse and all the other things that she has a right to as a human being. Because THAT she needs to have a daily reminder of, IMO.
The downtime thing is less of a rule and more of a guarantee for her, something that she can look at and say "OK, today was hectic. I had to work on school all day long while dad and AtMC were at work, and then we had all those errands to go run, but, look! I get some downtime before bed to just be by myself."