You need to be prepared for nothing to change. Honestly if the boy makes it to 18 in your home I’d be surprised because he can look at emancipation. Again I’m not trying to be hostile or hurtful.

The therapist should help him but I think your husband needs to be prepared for the fact that nothing may change in the long run. The boy is old enough that the damage is unlikely to be reversed. Maybe they can come to a basic understanding and respect but even that may be impossible.

What I would focus on now is peace and basic respect. You guys are still adults and he is a minor in your care therefor he must follow your rules. Honestly though it seems like he’s doing that. Yeah he’s angry but you can’t blame him for that. He should be allowed to curse at his father but like you said I could be mad at him either.

That's a lot of anger, fear of abandonment and sadness.  A good therapist will help your SS process it.  No guarantees that he will forgive, but your SS deserves to let that go.  He is also heavily grieving his mother.  Therapy is the right step.

Yeah...this is a tough one. I was pretty much SS as a child- My parents divorced when I was 5, BM moved away, we talked and visited for a year and then she pretty much just disappeared. My dad raised my sister and I. BM tried to come back in the picture when I was 13, but by then too much damage had been done. She also didn't try very hard, and didn't take ownership of her mistakes. Which is key- taking ownership! I don't have a relationship with my BM now because of this- she wanted to place blame on everyone else (oh your dad was abusive, blah blah blah he married my best friend, blah blah excuses BLAH). All I see is that she could have seen me if she wanted to, but she didn't. I don't, and will not, have a relationship with my BM. I haven't talked to her since I was 14, and that was 1 strained convo over the phone. Oh, and a message on FB where she tried to blame my dad again. She actually said my dad had "poisoned me against her", which didn't help her case, since my dad never talked badly of her, even though she left and he could have.

If I could give your DH one piece of advice to try and save his relationship with his son- Have him sit him down with SS and own it all. Just lay it all out there. How he screwed up and should have been there for SS, and he should have swallowed his pride and had BM fly SS to see him, and then actually moved back when he said he was going to. That he made mistakes that he is not proud of, and if he had it to do over he would do it differently. That he wasn't a very good dad in the past but would like that change that now. And that despite what SS thinks, he loves him with all of his heart and would like to try to make up for his mistakes (not by becoming a Disney dad!). I know how SS feels- this is the only thing that would have even made me consider having a relationship with my BM, but she wouldn't do it.

I hope mostly for SS's sake, your DH tries hard enough. SS is really is just a hurt boy that wants to believe his dad does love him. And people tend to be forgiving of their parents because they want that love so much, especially at his age. He's young enough that I think there's still a chance if your DH handles it properly.

what would your husband have done is mom hadn't passed away? The kid is right. SS is only with his dad and your husband is only caring for him because his mom died. He didn't even try before that despite mom offering to make visits happening. When your husband didn't get what he wanted from his son he stopped trying to have any level of relationship and now he wants to be Father of the Year and expects forgiveness and love from a young man who doesn't even know him. 

It also sounds like SS still cares for himself. You said he is independent, handles his schooling and chores and works. What is your husband actually doing for him beyond giving him a room to sleep in? 

This is going to be harsh, but your DH needs to STOP worrying about HIS relationship with SS and worry about how SS is processing the fact that the only parent he ever really knew is dead and gone forever.

Your SS sees HIS future as having no one at his graduations. No one at his wedding. No grandparents for his children.

For YEARS, he grieved the loss of his father, then lost his mother. Your SS is REMARKABLY well-adjusted for a kid who has been abandoned by both his parents - one by choice, and one by death.

Your DH is being SELFISH yet again. He doesn't truly care about SS - he just wants to soothe his own pain at seeing his son in pain. He can't do that because he IS the pain. He IS one of the sources of his son's misery, and his son has ZERO reason to want to interact with a person who caused him that much pain.

Honestly, if I were your DH, I'd hire a therapist for SS to handle his own emotions alone, give SS child support, and let SS take care of himself. Hire a nanny to take care of him, live in a guest house - whatever you have to do. SS doesn't WANT you all. He doesn't NEED you all. You all MAKE IT WORSE.

Your DH's goal is to produce a successful human being. Your DH is incapable of doing it on his own due to his own mistakes. He needs to remove himself from the situation and leave SS in the care of another trusted adult. Your DH is causing more trauma, and his solutions only soothe his own ego. He needs to go to therapy on his own to deal with his own guilt. Only then can he even remotely think of even talking to his son in a friendly fashion.

I bet the mother's company has someone who would take legal guarianship. 

I started and deleted over and over again this afternoon on pretty much the exact thing you finally said. 

Thanks for putting it nicely as I was having troubles finding 'kind' ways to put it. 

He knows he won't need his dad and has no reason to listen. Of course keep trying and go to therapy. A good therapist will either convince as to give dh another chance or convince dh to let go. This kid has all the cards and righteous indignation. Tough to crack.

telling his son  lies,  Had to move away for work ( DS see that as a lie ). He would move back ASAP ( lie). Did not see him for what ever reason ( Bull Sh**).  DS does not know DH  or bond with DH.  What do you two expect ?  His Mother passed away and he alone.  Because your DH is guilty that makes things right ?   I don’t think you will have a anything with DS.  Unless DS can some how lose his anger, and forgive DH.  Then again he may not want to do that.  Maybe he just buying his time until 18 and move out.  Some thing just can not be fixed 

Instead of trying to be the father he wasn't, why doesn't he leave the kid alone to process all this? If he really must then he could ask the boy 'what can i do to to help? Is there anything you need?' and 'I am very sorry about my past actions'. Might be a start. 

The thing I dont understand is why...why why why does this kid, whose dad had virtually nothing to do with him, know about your miscarriage and inability to have children?!? So his dad never bothered to learn about the kid, but he told him all about his struggles to have another? 

No guilty dad would tell his estranged son about how hard it is for him to have another kid. 

Budding psychopath????

This is ridiculous 

Why do we think the only people who should have consequences for their poor choices are BMs and SKs?

To all you who can't seem to believe that OP's DH's actions were the cause of his alienation from his son:

My mom LEFT THE STATE with my SF when my brother and sister were teens/pre-teens. While my brother was okay because he got what he wanted (i.e. living with Dad full-time), my sister felt abandoned. My mom let my sister decide if she wanted to stay behind, but my sister was no where near old enough or mature enough to make that decision. She stayed for her friends, but she harbored A LOT od resentment towards my mom.

Then, to add insult to injury, my mom moved BACK about 2 years later. My sister was starting high school, and mom didn't move back to my sister's school district. My mom rarely saw my sister, despite only living 45 minutes away, and never had a standard visitation schedule. Oh, and my mom never paid CS.

So, my sister, who was super close with my mom before the move, held SO MUCH ANGER AND HURT for our mother just leaving her with my dad. I give my dad a lot of props because he did what he had to do, but he has never been good at the emotional stuff. He never spoke ill of our mother, though my mom would of him. He took care of my sister's needs and some of her wants. He did his best.

To this day, my sister cannot trust our mother. It has only been in the last 2-ish years that they have had a mother-daughter relationship. My mom felt like she needed to move for her health and happiness but never really considered how her actions would impact her kids. My mother only acknowledged her own pain and felt that her loving my sister and being there for her when she was younger was enough. She would actually punish my sister for snapping back when my mother tried to parent after disappearing.

Parents who leave their kids face a set of challenges that LOOK like PAS because the kid HAS been alienated - by the parent who LEFT.

I'm just boggled at how many people want to blame BM, who offered to pay for Dad's travel to see his son, for Dad not taking the initiative to see his kid, even when OFFERED THE MONEY TO DO SO.