My DH did not give SD a hard time if she had plans with her cousins or whatever, as long as she gave him notice. He also let her spend holidays with BM and her side of the family, since it was usually just DH and I, or us and my family.

SD didn't really have any friends so that was never an issue. Except once, when DH went to pick her up and she thought she was bringing her one friend with her. Didn't ask or anything, friend just jumped in the car! DH had friend jump right back out.

He knew when she became a teenager, she might not come over as much.

I think it is something the teen should have to work out with the NCP. I don't think the custodial parent should make that decision.

I think we need to encourage them to be independent

I agree. I think it's part of the growing up process and parents letting go so to speak. I would actually find it rather odd if a teenager would RATHER hang out with his mommy or daddy than with his friends.

In my situation I think the teen skid calling the shots is annoying. Sd18 comes to visit twice a year once in the summer and once at Christmas, or so I thought. She usually spends most of her time at her friend's (which is fine by me.) But this year she announced she would be coming for Thanksgiving and not Christmas...UMMMM ok?
We planned to go to my family this year for Thanksgiving. I don't want her going to my family so I assume it will be SD18 and DH at our house alone, b/c I'm sticking to my plans.
Also in my situation SD18 doesn't drive so she has to be picked up 4 hours away one-way. And then she finds places she needs to go while she's at our house - meaning Dh is running around dropping her off or picking her up.

It should be up to the parent that has the kid during that time. If you only see your child eowe then you probably don't want to let them sleep over at a friend's house on one of your four nights a month with her.

No, teenagers do not have the emotional maturity to understand the importance of the relationships they would likely be undermining. They are still learning how to balance all the competeing priorities in their life and should not be allowed to choose their parent - either parent - as the thing that isn't important. If you allow a child to make that kind of choice you have to then take responsibility for their future regrets. If you truely want the best for a child you want to help them make choices and live a life that will minimize their regrets when they grow old. A tall order in today's world.

Teenagers are famous for making a choice to withdraw from a person/family/event and then blaming everyone else for not allowing them to be a part of said event.

However, I do think that during the teenage years it's the perfect time for them to test and be allowed more independence. I think parents, both custodial and non-custodial need to be more flexible with the schedule and realize that as long a the child is making an effort to maintaint the relationship that the quantity of time spent is not as important as the quality.