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Many of these guys are not victims.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 4:38pm

Some of them cheated on the SMs with bm.

Some of them made the mistake of not getting to know bm before they got into bed with her.

Some chose to take jobs far away and leave sks with someone who they KNOW will pas them.

Then there are those who cheat on the bm with the sm. And then the cheater and his gal have the audacity to expect bm to think the sun shines out of their a$$es. I mention this because there have been "ladies" here in the past who've boasted of being the other woman and then demand niceness from bm in the same sentence. Same with the actual cheaters. They seem to still expect respect from the person they cheated on.

Then there are some guys who know how crazy bm is but they STILL get in bed with her.

So these guys often make some stupid choices too, and shouldn't be given free passes by us, the system, the courts or anyone.

Comments

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 6:47pm

i dont know. playing Devil's Advocate here - what happens in one half is up to them.

there are so many times that one side is wwwaaayyyy too involved in the other side. divorce SHOULD end that.

if one side cheats, YES that is TOTALLY MORALLY WRONG.

BUT.... a step, regardless of how they're 'found', is a part of the family that a bio parent has chosen. if u choose to have kids with someone,then u have also chosen to allow them to be half of the parenting equasion, and that includes who they choose to 'be with' regardless of how that person came into the picture. now, i am NOT condoning cheating in ANY way but you cannot control what happens in the other household unless its abusive.

those who hold it agains the "other side" really do need to let it go, regardless of how much it hurts, for the good of the skids. no need in letting the past dictate how they grow - its up to each side of the parenting equasion how they choose to parent their kids and what they choose to expose them to. what they see and feel is like fertilizer.

and kids are kids. they didnt get asked to be put in that position. the bio parents need to remember that. they need to let adult matters stay with the adults, and let kids be kids without worrying about why their parents hate eachother. cheating is an ADULT problem. not the kids.

just MHO...

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 6:40pm

I think this is the internet and people who post on it should be prepared for the very real possibility that people will disagree with them.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 6:19pm

My DH thinks I was an idiot for marrying my first husband. I think he was an idiot for marrying BM. I suppose it cancels each other out. Blum 3

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 09/24/2013 - 7:35am

IMHO...99 percent of all of our problems on this site are MAINLY the mans fault. From when he first bedded the BM to how he handles his kids and the BM after.

SM's and kids get caught in the middle while BM and DH do their sick dance.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Tue, 09/24/2013 - 10:08am

I think we had this debate before and I stand on the side of sometimes the punishment does not fit the crime.

I think, in the grand scheme of things, everyone is a victim of their circumstance. We all make choices that lead to consequences, many of them unforeseen and devastating. So we are either all victims or none of us are victims, but the dictionary defines a victim as "a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action" and therefore men with vindictive and hurtful BM's are victims--and if they cheated on the BM, then the BM is a victim too.

If everyone had a little bit more compassion towards each other, stopped blaming why or how their circumstances came to be, moved on and tried to improve their lives, I think everywhere, including ST would be a better place.

I look at my DH as a victim, but I look at BM as one too. DH is a victim of BM, and BM is a victim of her biology and how she was raised, and the circumstances of her life that turned her into such a person. However, just because she is a victim did not give her the right to strip DH of all his friends by lying and getting to them first--he lost his best friend of 15 years and his mentor of 20 among the other people of his group, it did not give her the right to use a chronic and painful medical condition and a made-up history of rape to explain her non existent condition of "infertility", it did not give her the right to terrorize a person to the point where he almost killed himself and still has night terrors associated with her, to the point where he gets physically sick if the topic of her comes up.

I did a lot of stupid stuff as a kid, and even more recently, heck, my DH could have been a predator and assaulted me when I got drunk one night and he let me stay over at his place (before we were dating and were just good friends)--those choices could have turned out really bad and I would have been considered a "victim." So just because you make choices in life, although you SHOULD own up to it, does not make you NOT a victim.

That's just IMHO.