Kids Dealing With PAS
I think many kids "know" that one parent is trying to alienate them from the other, that what is being said about the other parent isn't true, and that it is mean.
But I don't think they want to pi$$ off the bitter parent even further by trying to stick up for the other parent and/or fight the PAS.
Maybe these kids aren't doing what they do to hurt the other parent. Maybe they are just trying to protect themselves from the he11 they will surely incur from the bitter, PAS-ing parent. I think that most of us, if we were to be in those situations, would have a hard time fighting the PAS-ing parent, because we wouldn't want to deal with the emotional hurricane/abuse that would definitely ensue afterwards.
So what should these kids do? Have you seen other people take actions as kids that we, as SMs, would agree with? How did it work out for them?
I know many people who cut toxic people (including their bio-parents) out of their lives as adults. But as adults, they'd had time and space away from those toxic people, so they had more of an ability to figure some things out and felt freer to stick up for the people their parents bashed to them.
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I know the BM is the Queen of
I know the BM is the Queen of PAS, probably because of her extreme narcissism. NOBODY can compare to her... and anyone who thinks differently will certainly pay.
Do I think my SK's have had earfulls over the years? Certainly. I've heard (on speakerphone) one of the SK's call to talk to their dad with their mom screeching at him in the background. Quite the potty mouth, I certainly would never dream of speaking to my children like that. Has she lit into me in the kids' presence? Yup, and they just stood and grinned while she called me a fat-ass or some such name. I've seen her tear into DH, and anyone else who is unfortunate enough to be caught in her cross-hairs. DH's parents got the honor of witnessing her cuss out the guys who were resurfacing DH's parents' driveway simply because they were "inconveniencing" her.
The SK's refuse to acknowledge my presence, and when the BM is around, they pretty much refuse to acknowledge the presence of their father and grandparents too.
I've often told my DH that I can only hope when they are adults and away from all of that, they can come to realize that I'm not really as bad as they (and/or their mom) has made me out to be. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. Only time will tell.
Honestly, I'm not so sure
Honestly, I'm not so sure that kids are aware that it isn't "the truth" and are just afraid to stick up for the other parent.
I know when XH and I split, he filled their heads will allllll sorts of bullshit. I believe they believed all of it. It hurt like hell that they would "turn on me" and it took a few years for them to see that he was the liar...not me.
I had the same issue with BD
I had the same issue with BD and XH. She is now asking questions regarding what was said to her over the years. She now sees what he was doing.
My BM's favorite comment to
My BM's favorite comment to make to SD when she tries to stick up for DH? "Well, your father didn't even WANT you."
She's advised the therapist of this and the therapist notified DH because she wanted to make sure he and SD had a conversation about it, but NOT to say anything to BM.
SD knows that whole story (Basically DH didn't have a stable job, was early 20's and scared and wasn't sure he was ready to be a Dad. Of course, as soon as SD arrived, he was all over it and is a fantastic father), but I know that it has caused her to stop trying to stick up for her father because BM just looses her shit and freaks out on her.
What scares me is that SD has told the therapist over and over that she wants to live with us primarily and SS isn't far behind (stepdad is emotionally abusive and is tormenting that household, we are doing what we can to try to get the kids out of that situation but you guys know how family court is) but she's TERRIFIED to tell BM. The one time she did, her stepdad slapped her across the face and blacked her eye. CPS got called, and DID NOTHING.
I'm afraid, because we are the more understanding side, that they will just chose to bend to BM's will because they know we will accept any decision they make and not freak out on them about it. BM, not so much.
It breaks my heart to watch this trainwreck.
The problem I see is the
The problem I see is the difference between parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting and parental alienation syndrome.
There's too much emphasis on parental alienation syndrome and brainwashing by experts in the area and too little on parents oversharing or spinning information that will give kids a negative view of their other parent.
When a parent constantly involve their kids in conflicts between their former spouse or bash the other parent in front of the kids, older kids end up taking sides. My BM has made it impossible for the kids to stand up for their dad. Everything is very black and white. He cheated and is evil, she is the victim and everyone must pitty her.
Dr Warshak talks frequently about how PAS can be reversed in a few sessions when kids are irrationally brainwashed by their bioparent. In the cases when there are the accusations of false abuse or similar claims, kids probably know the other parent is lying.
But when the alienating parent has told the kids every reason he/she should hate their other parent, it's more difficult to get through those types of alienation. I'm not sure the kids know the truth. My skids' GAL insists the kids have not been alienated when this is a classic case of alienation. But it doesn't fall into the area of "irrationally alienation", only kids taking a side in their parents' conflict.