While I would normally agree with you, I simply can't when it comes to SD14. Yes, she's PAS'd but she was pulling shit LONG before BM started that campaign. She was jealous of dear daddy dating, so she DEMANDED him to stop. She was jealous of dear daddy's relationship so she DEMANDED him to stop seeing me. He'd dated a few other women before me and they all ended because SD just "wasn't ready" for her precious daddy to date after the divorce.

Ok, fine. She's immature, I'll give her that as well. However; she knows right from wrong. She knows it's wrong to lie about me (or her dad) to BM to get out of visitation. She knows it's wrong to lie about us to her therapist for sympathy. She does it for affection, attention, sympathy or to get her way.

She knows it's wrong to kick my cat just because he's MINE and she's pissed she didn't get her own. She knows it's wrong to try and poison the fish tank with Windex. She knows it's wrong to manipulate DH into anything and everything she can. She does this because she CAN.

When DH put his foot down and started really parenting her instead of the guilty daddy crap putting her on a pedestal and allowing her to call the shots - she retaliated by going to BM and saying "daddy called me a whore, I never want to see him again". That was also around the time we we getting married and she said "You shouldn't ever marry anyone that I say you can't, I won't support your marriage and I hope you get divorced".

No, she's not 24. She's 14. But not all of her horrific behavior can be blamed on PAS.

My SS was already in his 20s when I met him so I have no personal experience with teens.

But I do expect more from a teen than I do from a 5 year old. Yes a 17 year old is not 24 but they are not 4 either.

I remember being a teen. Did I do stupid things and make mistakes? Yes - was I hormonal at times and snippy? Yes.

But I was never cruel and malicious. I never stole things.

But most importantly I realized that I was in total control of my future. I could work hard, make good grades, go to college (not very common for girls in the early 60s in my social class), get a good job (also not what women did in the 50s early 60s era) and be somebody.

So I really do not understand teens who are given so many opportunities and just throw it all away to end up pathetic losers.

And I am not implying that everyone needs to go to college. But everyone does need to learn to work for what they are going to have and not steal stuff. Personal responsibility is very important. I don't think that is something that one thinks just appears one day at age 25.

Anon's question: "Why do so many blame teenage skids?"

Maybe because it's easier than blaming the SO and BM?

My SD14 was breastfed until she was 5 years old, until she was almost in kindergarten. She had no TV at BM's home, no computer, no preschool. She grew up believing she was the center of the universe, and that she was the most very specialist little girl ever born! Combine these things with her mother's BPD and bitter hatred for my DH, and you end up with a manipulative teen who is very immature. When she lived in my home, we gave her a normal life, with normal expectations and a normal level of attention. That was, sadly, not enough for her, and she had to return to the home where the sun shines out of her ass in order to feel okay about her life. I have a lot of compassion for her, and I'm sad, because as difficult as it was to have her with us, she had a chance for a normal life that is now out the window. Since she left our home, she had her first semester in high school, where her grades declined every 6 weeks to barely passing. She is now on 6 medications, and sees a therapist twice a week (one session is "family" therapy, but just with SD and BM). Her mother just moved her to the "alternative" high school, where she can further embrace her victimhood, and make friends with the slackers and potheads. My DH is heartbroken, but we did all we could, and maybe the taste of normal that SD had will be remembered. Time will tell.

So for this child, what good would it do to blame her? I remember one night after she had been treated for yet another UTI, and I tried to talk to her about proper hygiene for her urethra. Instead of being able to hear what I was saying she looked at me outraged and said,"AM I BEING BLAMED FOR THIS???" Well, hopefully no one else has access to her urethra, but she was unable to take responsibility for the most basic things. She had never been required to by her parents. So what good does it do to blame her and be angry at her? Her failures are from improper parenting. Maybe not from a LACK of parenting, but from the parenting dynamic between her parents. To me, that is the key to the universe of Stepdom. The two of them were in COMPETITION to see who could save SD the most from the logical consequences of her behavior.

Many teens today are very uneven in development. They may be able to understand things on an intellectual level but fail miserably in emotional behavior and understanding. They may be physically adult, able to make their own babies, but have not the slightest ability to know what motivates their own behavior.

I think all steparents in general could benefit from a little compassion for these teens, and just give them some time to grow up. Deal with behaviors as they have to be dealt with , and just watch what the parents are doing. You may see exactly WHY the teen is having one or another issue.

Since this girl is one of my two chances to see grandbabies in my life, I try to take the long view, and limit my hating to her BM, and try to feel pity for the child.

I blame my teenage skid because he is a straight up asshole. Completely. To anyone and everyone that gets in his way. It doesnt matter who you are. It's not that he does not have the knowledge or skills to be socially appropriate. He does. And has been able to trot these social skills out whenever he feels like it since he's been 4 or 5 years old.

I have bent over backwards for literally years to try and help this kid. His parents have both made mistake where he is concerned but over the years I've seen both of them be "enlightened" and bend over backwards to correct mistaks they may have made.

The mistakes that they DID make? They were errors in parenting. They werent beatings, abuse, starvation, neglect. Instead, they were things like they didnt set up the most ideal visitation schedule when he was young. They argued over who could have him more. BM did some PAS against me when he was younger. Dh did a little against BM when he was younger. Bm has had a substance abuse problem over the years-in and out of recovery. But you know what, this is also a kid who was very much loved, provided for, given every opportunity to excel and succeed. Proper steps were taken to get him some help. Proper discipline was attempted.

But this kid is literally hell bent on his path of destruction. He refuses to listen to anyone. He does not care about anyone. Seriously. It is very sad, but both parents, and myself, have chosen to cut our losses and back out. I know many would not agree with that-espcially coming from dh and bm-but they both have other and younger children to think of as well and living with my ss can be a very scary experience.

He is not amenable to any sort of treatment. He does not have a conscience. He has no motivation to change anything, because he feels everyone else is his problem. I no longer care WHY he is the way he is, what caused it, what made him that way-I simply care that he IS that way and I must do whatever is necessary to protect myself and my children.