How do husbands deal with disengagement?
I can't seem to be able to explain disengagement to DH. He thinks that me being completely disconnected from his childrens' lives is just absurd. He thinks that for us to be a family, we have to act as if we are one. I should be the person I've been (cleaning lady, cook, maid etc... for his children) and be a part of their lives. He thinks that otherwise he feels that he has two families. One with them and one with me. I said: "DUH!!! That's the point! I don't wanna be a part of this family. I wanna have MY OWN family with you." He's not convinced...
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All his kids are his family.
All his kids are his family. Disengagement is a last resort tactic. Don't marry someone whose kids are so poorly parented that your only choice to save your sanity is to disengage.
You won't ever really have a separate family. It's a wise decision to want your own family, you just need to find someone who doesn't already have one.
Don't make his life miserable by forcing him into a difficult situation. Do you really love him and want the best for him, or do you just love him to the extent of what he does for you?
Thank you. You couldn't have
Thank you. You couldn't have said it better. I just don't know how to convince DH that it is a good idea. He feels like I'm backing away from the whole thing. Or perhaps he feels that he will be alone dealing with his children's "issues" all by himself? I don't know... All I know is that my only priority right now is to save my marriage and if I don't disengage, I won't be able to save even myself.
Well, given that we're
Well, given that we're already married it's kind of difficult to undo it. For the last two years I have tried day in and day out to be a part of this family and it just doesn't work. I'm trying to save my marriage now. That's why I'm disengaging. Otherwise I have to walk away on the love of my life and that's what I'm trying to avoid.
I'm not making his life miserable. He's miserable now and has been for the past 7 months because of his son's lies and my involvement in their lives. I'm done with being involved and being blamed for everything, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I do love him, and that's why I'm still here and still fighting and still doing my best to make a HORRIBLE and HOPELESS situation work. I'm not asking him to get rid of his kids or to not be their family. I'm saying that I don't want to be a part of it anymore.
I don't understand your comment: "Do you really love him and want the best for him, or do you just love him to the extent of what he does for you?". What do you mean? What exactly is it that I'm asking of him according to you? I'm the one that has had to make all the sacrifices in this relationship. I didn't break up his relationship with his ex and I didn't take his children away from him. I also didn't give ADHD to his son or made him an emotionally disabled person. All I have done is support him and taken care of him and his children for the last 2 years only to be treated as a dirty rag by his kids. I'm done with that... DISENGAGING HERE...
Ok. So I should just stay off
Ok. So I should just stay off the subject and do it anyway. It sounds like a smart idea. I should have just kept it to myself. Thanks
Absolutely right. Talking
Absolutely right. Talking about them creates A LOT of trouble. If I just back off, he'll have to deal with things himself. They way he should. Thanks!
That's what it used to be for
That's what it used to be for us as well. Took two years and A LOT of therapy for him to realize that he was the parent and not me. That's why I'm backing off now. Enough trouble, enough drama.
Are our SO's brothers? Mine
Are our SO's brothers? Mine tells me he loves and misses his kids so much and can't wait to see them. Then when he has them, alls he does is sit in front of the computer or plays guitar..tells them to go play in their room and basically leave him alone. I just continue doing my own thing, I don't parent them..Im not gonna parent kids that aren't mine just so he can sit and play on the computer or play his guitar in peace!!
Totally agree!! I disengaged
Totally agree!! I disengaged cause I was sick and tired of having to entertain a then 3 year old ALL DAY LONG. I got sick of being forced to wake up early on weekends to tend to his kids. I was sick of being expected to parent them so that he can nap, play video games and play guitar in peace. Not happening.
I told him you wanted kids, I didn't. So why am I being forced to do something I never wanted?
He's never wanted pets. I asked him, how would you feel if you made it clear you never wanted pets but I went out and bought a dog, brought him home, and told you that now you are responsible for taking him out for walks, feeding him, playing with him and paying his vet bills. How would you take that?
He said he wouldn't do it. I asked, then why am I expected to take care of your kids? I never wanted them, you were fine with that when we started dating!
So I disengaged. I didn't tell him I was doing it, I just did it. I would tell him I had plans on the weekends he had them and then I'd leave. Or I'd tell him Im sleeping in, or taking a nap and I do not wish to be interrupted. It worked.
Yup. I'm going to do this
Yup. I'm going to do this once and for all. I have flirted with this idea for a long time. Ever since I started posting on this forum (previous account) and heard about "Stepmonster". I have read all there is to do on the subject of step parenting and I still don't manage to do it well. But this is one thing I will absolutely do starting this second. No more parenting from my part
Thank you all for your support!
Thank you for expressing what
Thank you for expressing what I was feeling almost exactly!!! I have two, and the teenager has yelled at me and told me she hated me, among other things. I started disengaging about 6 months ago. My DH, when I told him that I was DONE, he said, "well you aren't her mother, you never were supposed to try to be anything like that. " But I wasn't trying to be her mother, I was simply asking her to pick up after herself, and also mentioning that if she were nicer things would be so great. But she called me controlling. I simply wanted her to respect my home. So, now when she tries to tell a funny story, I stare off into space. When we are alone I don't speak. I really just have nothing that I want to say to her. She asks if something is wrong, I just say that I'm tired.
I just leave SD17 alone. She can go to her room, I wont ask her to join us for dinner. I do not ask her for help in the kitchen anymore, I do not invite her places with us, nor do I suggest we do anything special, with just her. I do not offer her anything special, like making her favorite foods, or ask if she wants to go to the store with me anymore. Those days are over sweetheart! You just burned that bridge!
Once I disengaged, the arguments stopped completely. I just say, I do not want to talk about it, and leave it at that. If DH makes a comments, I just get quiet and do not say a word. I know where all the trouble spots are and I work to avoid them like they are poison (they are). It will keep your relationship happier, and everyone gets along fine!
CLove, darling, i'm glad your
CLove, darling, i'm glad your disengagement is going so well.
one word of advice, you may want to check the date of the posting and/or most recent comments. i'm not sure how you found this one! but it is 4 1/2 years old
just something to watch out for.