The Ex is taking me to The Tipping Point!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He had been separated for 1.3 years when we met. He and his Ex have two children - boy 10, girl 13. When he and I met, she had a boyfriend that she had been with for nine months. His children and I hit it off pretty well and have gotten along. Last year, my bf learned that her bf was moving in with her and the kids. He objected to this and within a week, she told my bf that her bf was getting his own place. This was right before Xmas. He and I took the kids and went to visit his family some 6 hrs from here. The children were unbelievably disrespectful to me and their father. It was on the way home that I figured out that the mom's bf had actually moved in and they were being told to lie to us. Great! She just gave her children permission to lie to their father! I was right.
Well, fastforward a few months and she kicks the bf out and decides she wants my bf back. He told her it wasn't happening and that his horse left the barn a long time ago. She told him, in front of the kids, that if they grew up and got divorced it would be his fault bc he did not give them the opp. to get back together. Then she kicked her bf out. I just pretty much ignored her and gave him a lot of space to spend quality time with his kids w/o me. Of course, she showed up at all of the soccer games and tried to chat him up...
Now, fastforward to Thanksgiving and we go back to his family's home with the kids. She knows the routine and of course called to speak with her kids during dinner. He gave the phone to his son. He talks to his mom then comes to the table, sticks the phone out and says, "mom wants to talk to you" and hands the phone to his g'ma. I gracefully exited the scene. My bf follows me knowing I was upset. He agreed to more carefully screen her calls in the future. I told him not to dare let her know that I was upset 'cause I didn't want her to know that she was getting to me.
A couple of weeks ago, she comes to his house an hour early to drop off the son. She comes in and just hangs around. I was so uncomfortable, but stood my ground in the kitchen - a comfortable space for me - and didn't let on that I was uncomfortable. At some point, he walked in the bedroom to get something and SHE FOLLOWED HIM! I remained poised. As she is finally leaving, she turns and says, oh so and so (my bf's BOSSES wife) came over to our house the other day, it was so good to see her, how are things going at work, I understand your boss is traveling...he brushed her off, and said oh that's nice, things are good.
We went to his office party the other night. He and I are standing side by side when the bosses wife walks in (we have met several times) - she doesn't even acknowledge me but launches into a monologue about her visit with his ex and kids. Again, I remained poised. he finally says, oh you remember Andy...she reluctantly speaks to me...I was cordial, but man was it hard. When he and I left the party, I came unglued! I had had just one too many glasses of wine and started crying and yelling at him about how painful this situation is - the way the ex acts, the way his daughter now treats me, the constant ploys of the exs to work her way into his life through his family and now his bosses wife???? This totally sucks!
He is a wonderful man and I do love him totally, but I don't know what the hell to do about this ex....should I have a sit down with her?
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Comments
I admire you for being able
I admire you for being able to keep your poise that one-too-many episodes! I would have hit boiling point with seething anger probably by the 2nd incident. It's just not right that she's poking her face into your relationship and your life too much. And following him into the room when you're there? That's just complete disrespect and disregard for you. It must be very stressful for you.
I dont think having a sit down with her will help (though I have no experience in this; BM not in the picture at all) cuz I think given her history of behavior, she will just be a real prick towards you and strive to be really difficult for you. At least your partner seems to be very supportive; I think you can only count on that and just cross your fingers and hope that nasty ex finds another person to be occupied with and just goes away. It must feel horrible for you meanwhile though. Hugs to you. Hope it all works out somehow.
The more you can ignore it
The more you can ignore it the better it will feel later and the more you'll laugh at her with bf. I know it's not easy. You are exactly right not to let her know she's getting to you.
Thank you for these
Thank you for these comments...I am really trying! It is way hard...
I think your BF needs to step
I think your BF needs to step up and tell her not to come in again. Following him to YOUR bedroom? I would have been very tempted to go in and drag her out by the hair. She is acting just like a dog p*ssing on her territory. And the boss's wife thing? She is threatening you, trying to influence your BF's LIVELIHOOD! He needs to tell her to BACK THE F OFF. The boss's wife dissing you shows that BM has turned her against you with a bunch of lies, no doubt. BF needs to set boundaries! Big time.
She needs boundaries. If my
She needs boundaries. If my husband's ex followed him into our bedroom, I am sure I'd tell her to get the hell out of my house. There are boundaries that cannot be crossed. Maybe DH should have a short talk with her, set her straight, and let her know that their only conversations will be about the kids-nothing else.
I had a similar issue with my
I had a similar issue with my BF's crazy BM. She was sending him texts of how she still loved hime and wasn't dating anybody because she was waiting for him and sending her pictures of herself. Showing up at our house when nobody was there to drop of something. I think she was just peaking in the windows. This list can go on and on.
Finally my BF told her that he can't control the way she feels but eh can tell her to keep it to herself and that he was plannning on spending the rest of his life with me. He also told her not to contact him unless it had to do with the kids. This all happened the day after Thanksgiving of this year. And since then she has backed off. I don't know if this is a permanent thing. It's nice to have a break though.
What he did with the single conversation is establish boundaries. Of course those boundaries are going to be tested, but as long as he keeps those boundaries in place she just might learn.
Well, bf intends to go to the
Well, bf intends to go to the ex's house Christmas morning to watch the children open their gifts. I am really hurt and can't get beyond this. He says it is for the kids and this is the last year he will do this....Help!
Yes, he knows I am upset, but
Yes, he knows I am upset, but apparently it doesn't seem to matter. I am pretty much over it...I am not in any mood to even be around him ... all of this has seriously erroded my trust in him to do what is right. I am thinking of just going to my family's and leaving him be through the holiday. I am very sad and distrubed that I have allowed myself to be involved in all of this toxicity. Hell, his divorce is not even final. What the hell am I doing?
How did things go Andy? I
How did things go Andy? I hope things are more clear for you, and whatever happened on Christmas has showed you and given you the strength to do what you feel you should do, whether that be to stay or go.
Andy- I am going through
Andy- I am going through similar motions with DH's " friends and colleagues" as well and it stings. I've been shunned by these types because of their knowledge and friendships with his ex-wife and their child. It is an odd feeling. I have removed myself from these parties / events. DH had tried and tried to talk about "me" to them, but they seem to always get on the conversation of his ex and their child. I am not some escort. I have too much dignity I suppose. They are not really my types anyways. Not "academic" enough for me, more into "financial gains." Bleh ( I am a geek)
Give us an update and good luck. He should be establishing major boundaries for your marriage. We here have both had to make new connections, away from our past lives.
Well, we made it through
Well, we made it through Christmas without too much discord. The kids were with her Christmas Eve and we managed to have a wonderful evening together just the two of us. The he did go to her house for an hour Christmas morning. That was really okay too. Then the kids come over Christmas evening. Things went well for a while until the kids announced to me that they were going to bf's mom's house with their mom over new years. "Really?" Then they go on to tell me that bf is keeping mom's new puppy (oh, it is really the kids puppy)... Once we were alone, I confronted him about it as we had planned to go out of town just for the evening. How many ex wives out there go and take the children and stay with your exs family? Maybe visit for an hour or so, but the night??? Then I discover that the ex has put pictures of him at her house on Christmas morning. Seriously??? I told bf that keeping the dog was just not ok with me so he did make arrangements to take it to the kennel.I raised hell about the fb pictures and he told her to take them down..so, at least he put that boundary up????
Why did HE make arrangements
Why did HE make arrangements to take the dog to the kennel? How about the pound? Or craigslist? Kids puppy my ass, the poor dog is just an excuse to have reason for the woman to talk to and ask favors of your bf. He needs to set boundaries for her. He's no longer 'hers'.