Cop outs and excuses
I sat DH down last night and handed him the things I felt we needed to talk about, in my last entry. He was full of excuses and cop outs about how he feels he can't bring up SS21 or I get upset and negative every time. I pointed out the last 2-3 times we've had to deal with him, I did not get negative at all. I went along with whatever he wanted. SS needed $50 for rent, great we'll go take it to him even though it meant rearranging our plans we had for that day. Just recently SS asked if he could have the car that's been sitting on the side of the house for years, I ddin't say anything. I let DH handle it all. DH wanted to take SS to lunch or dinner before Christmas, I kept my mouth shut. But of course DH didn't follow through on those plans so I caved and told DH he could invite SS over for Christmas, told him he was lucky I was in the giving Christmas spirit.
Told him he could go hang out with SS21 anytime he wanted, away from the house. Him saying he feels like he can't bring it up without me getting upset or negative is a total cop-out. In in reality, I think it's because he doesn't want to deal with SS's crappy attitude, so it's easier to make it my fault.
Then he tries to say that I need to sit down with SS and work things out. I tell him it's not happening. SS is an adult now, I have never done anything for him to hate me like he does, and I don't need to have a relationship with his adult child. Again, if he wants to see him, he can all he wants, just not at our house. SS didn't respect me or my home when he lived there, he doesn't need to come over for any reason in the current or future time.
I finally got through to DH when I told him if he continued to make this my fault and blame me for keeping him from his son, he would be single sometime within the next 6 months. I wasn't going to stick around and be his "whipping boy (girl)" for too much longer. He broke down crying, saying he wouldn't let his son ruin another relationship, and he loves me, blah blah blah. All the stuff I'm sure he thought I wanted to hear but doesn't hold much meaning for me anymore after hearing it before.
The good news is he understands that SS is not allowed in our house, even to do a simple knife demonstration, nor for anything else. Told him I'd be happy to never discuss SS ever again. If he wants to go see him, go see him but we're not giving him anything nor doing anything for him (SS has talked about moving in with a buddy recently, my pickup will not be used as a Uhaul). SS can figure it all out himself, that's what adults do.
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Comments
Don't you hate that when the
Don't you hate that when the skid becomes a legal adult they still remain the giant elephant in the room. We, as step parents see it, flaws and all. But our DH have this need to bend over backwards to salvage what? Their relationship? Umm, Relationships are a two way street buddy!
I have told my DH that his kids are not allowed in my house. And I have had the break down and tears from DH. We rarely discus sd19 due to the fact that she is a sleazy leach just like BM. Still I get attitude from Dh when i know something is bothering him and it ends up being something that sd19 has done. I love the "you wouldnt care" line, because I then KNOW its about her. I then throw back that No, I dont care because its about sd19 and I CANT STAND HER.
I know that mean. But after years of "she's my daughter" and other excuses as to why i should put up with someone so vile, I have learned that DH needs reminders of the fact that I want nothing to do with the skids.
Exactly, all of this
Exactly, all of this ^^^.
Best part of it all is that he only does this due to "guilty dad". He's never really had a relationship with either of his kids, but his son is a real piece of work. His daughter is respsonsible- working 2 jobs, pays all her bills, and the times that she has moved in the past, she rents a Uhaul all by herself! Yes, she's usually late paying DH for her phone bill but at least she pays it...something SS21 never did yet his dad still let him have a smart phone. F that, my DD12 won't have a smart phone til she has a job that she can pay for it herself. And if she stops paying for it, she'll get a piece of crap dumb phone til the contract is up.
But I digress, LOL...back to DH and SS. SS doesn't listen to anything DH says because DH wasn't around when SS was growing up. DH was a truck driver and saw his kids maybe 2-3 times a year. And wasn't a parent then, played the "let's be friends" role. So DH feels guilty for not being there for his kids, especially SS because he was abused by his SF, and is STILL trying to make up for the past and be the best dad (see: Friend) that he can be! And SS knows this and uses it to his advantage, always playing the guilt card on DH. Why would I want that kind of person in my or my DD's life? Oh right, I don't and never will!
My DH guilt, imo, is because
My DH guilt, imo, is because he had to choose me or them. I kicked the skids out. Then slowly he stopped spending time with them. Again all my doing. I dont say it proudly either. Its a sad situation that never should have been dealt. But, because of crappy parenting (BM and DH fault) I had to deal with what they created. Those kids were so far gone, there was nothing i could have done to make the situation better.
BM is crazy and manipulative. DH likes to sweep everything under the rug until shit hits the fan.
And as these skids become adults its like they think they can do whatever they want, since their own parents have never once been on the same page with raising them, teaching them right from wrong.
Its a very sad life, but then again, I want nothing to do with that freak show so its not my problem.