Little Idiot is coming in less than two days. Last year I did a parody of Twas the Night Before Christmas.

This year, I offer up...

The Grift That Stole Christmas:

Every Who down in Whoville loved Christmas a lot,
But Almostgone83 most certainly did not!

 

It could be the cold and gray winter sky…

Or it could be that her stash of liquor’s run dry!

 

But I think the real reason is abundantly clear…

The Grift was returning— yes, it was that time of year!

 

The flight arrived right on schedule. A winter storm would not save me…

With greed in her heart, The Grift had come for the gift-grab jubilee!

She came with her tales of grand plans and the drama,
Lies and half-truths and about her trailer-trash mama.

 

"I dropped out of college; it wasn’t for me,
But next year I’ll study astrobiology!"

"A business plan’s brewing—I’ve almost got funding!
Dad, could you help me? You’ll see this idea is stunning!"

 

And poor deluded DH, bless his heart, believed her every line,
He smiled, took out his wallet and said “Well that’s just fine!”

 

I sat there fuming, knowing her tricks,
This wasn’t the first time she'd pulled her  “next big thing” shtick!

 

As for school she said, well that certainly wasn’t her fault!

The professors were just bad, the school’s mixed up, and this is the result. 

 

“Besides, I’ll return again in the spring! Nuclear physicist or neurosurgeon is really my thing!”

 

DH beamed! His daughter’s got smarts!

Surely she’ll make a fortune when she bottles her farts!

 

Oh the plans of prestige and money she did contrive!

(All tall tales to keep dear ol’ Dad’s hopes alive.)

 

No gifts for us of course - no tokens, no cheer,
Just The Grift’s hands always open, year after year.

 

When the time came for us to tell her the news…

That we would be staying home, she wasn’t amused.

 

“Oh, wait, no gift exchange? That just isn’t fair!
I neeeed more gifts! Dad, don’t you even care???”

 

Yes, this year my parents had changed up the plan,
No piles of presents or prime rib - just a lil ol’ ham.

 

Her face twisted up, a true Grift meltdown!
“How could they ruin my Christmas in town???”

 

And so to her bed, she retired in a huff,
While we cleaned the kitchen and dealt with her stuff.

 

Then her suitcase exploded right in DH’s face.

No suprise (it was overstuffed in the first place).

 

Makeup, clothes and hair tonics scattered across the floor,
While we tidied up, The Grift snored behind her closed door.

 

“DH, why’s she still in bed?” I whispered to him.
“She’s just tired from traveling—don’t be so grim!”

 

Tired? From what? The Grift had been here loafing for days!

Her lazing and lounging… she hadn’t changed her ways!

 

Her room was a mess, her shoes and dishes piled high.

It stunk (no doubt something had crawled in there to die).

As the days wore on, we paid for her whims and her stays,
Her free vacation, her food, her extravagant ways.

 

She lounged in her bed, not lifting a finger … the brat.
Snacking on treats, watching tv, and rotting her brain on Snapchat. 

 

Then she packed up her haul when the holiday waned….

“Back to reality!” she moaned and complained.

 

One long, sad look that said “Can’t I  just stay?” 

I know she had plans to make it a permanent vacay!

 

Dreams of lounging and loafing and all that free time!

Free rent and free food, all paid on Daddy’s dime! 

 

These thoughts I could see running through her mind…

“Time to go!” I shouted “We’re already behind!!”

 

Into the car I dumped her suitcase and loot. 

I tossed The Grift in as well with her doting Daddy to boot.

 

Off we sped to the airport, the pedal to the floor.

Didn’t even slow down at the gate, just opened the door.

 

“Tuck and roll!” I yelled and I gave her the boot

Into a snowbank The Grift flew, followed by her lies and her loot.

 

A storm rolled in as we drove out of sight.

But I’m not turning around if they cancel her flight!

 

So if The Grift comes to visit you this Christmas time,

Be wary, keep count of every nickel and dime.

 

For The Grift loves free food, gifts and a place to just sit.

And closing the wallet will banish it back to the pit.