I've had enough
Over the last two weeks things have gotten much worse. SD's recent behavior and the lack of consequences imposed by DH make me question whether it is worth the effort.
Last week DH told me he and SD were going to the mall to exchange shoes that each of them got as Christmas gifts. SD was returning the shoes that I had picked out that without even taking them out of the box on Christmas announced to the whole room she didn't like them. DH's were a gift that didn't fit.
DH asked BD and I if we wanted to go to the mall with them and we could all go to eat after. 5 minutes later DH comes back and says sorry SD changed her mind she doesn't want to go, only to change her mind 15 minutes later that she did want to go. DH said to forget about it we would go another day. I told him BD was upset that our plans seemed to be based on SD whim so we decided to go. BIG MISTAKE. BD and I went our separate ways while they dealt with their returns. DH found us as we were finishing up at the first store. SD got angry with DH when he refused to pay the difference between the shoes SD returned and the much more expensive ones she had picked out. She was sitting in the car waiting for us to finish our shopping. BD decided we would just go eat and go home. At the restaurant SD commented she couldn't decide what she wanted to eat. After a few minutes she put her menu down and started complaining that DH wouldn't buy her a prom dress. When the waitress came to take our order she refused to order and got up and stormed out. DH let her go. When we finished our meal it took nearly 30 minutes for him to convince her to get in the car. Most of that time BD and I sat in the cold. I had to go find them to get car keys. When we got home DH took SD to get her fast food. He said he spent that time lecturing her about her behavior. He doesn't see that she got exactly what she wanted. Me and BD's night ruined. The fast food she wanted and her dad to herself.
Last night I went out with BS and his fiance. While at dinner DH texts me and tells me the dog had gotten sick in his crate. Since I thought he was still at work I asked if he was home. No SD had told him. "Did she clean it up." "No, she said what do I do?" Not sure what DH actually told her to do. I know I would have told her clean his crate, give him a bath and watch him closely for the rest of the night.
Here is what she did. Left the crate full of vomit. First closed the dog in the basement, where he got sick again. Then let him loose in the house, went to her room, closed the door and let him wonder the house covered in vomit.
BS and fiance helped me bath the dog and clean up most of the vomit. (I found more after he had left). DH came home, washed the dishes that should have been washed by SD and pretty much went straight to bed.
So this morning we get up and go to work. I told him we need to have a serious talk about the expectations for the princess should she stay at our house. I'm to the point where it's military like rules and enforcement, she goes or they both go. I love him dearly. We are very happy when not dealing with this.
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They are trying to control
They are trying to control everyone around them. With SD she will get in the car with random people and involve them in the drama. She's never done it to DH before.
That's the conversation I
That's the conversation I started with him this morning. I've given him a list of rules that I think are appropriate and consequences. I've made it clear that if things don't change she is not staying. His only other option is to go with her. Right now he's not talking to me which is typical. Once he has time to process it we will talk it through.
"We are very happy when we
"We are very happy when we are not dealing with this". Is SD going to dissapear? She is part of the equation and your boyfriend is a beyond horrible parent. If that's the life you want, for you and your child, so be it. I have no answers for these kind of posts where supposedly the man is perrrfectt in every wayyyy, but has a vicious child that makes everyone around them miserable- and the parent allows it.Including YOUR poor kid who just wanted to have a good time shopping. You think this is gonna change? Read the "adult stepchildren" forum.
First of all he's my husband
First of all he's my husband not my boyfriend. DH is certainly not perfect but he is trying. SD lived with her BM until 6 months ago. He has fought with BM since she was 4 years old to try to enforce rules. Whenever things don't go her way she has meltdowns. When he tries to enforce the rules SD makes excuses, if he pushes the issue she runs back to BM, who will let her do whatever she wants while telling her how mean we are to her.
SD is exactly like BM. She thinks everyone owes her a free ride.
I agree. I've never seen so
I agree. I've never seen so many absolutely wonderful and perfect men in one place. Dudes are playing dumb and getting ALL the love. All the love, none of the pain. Brilliant!
I said other than the issues
I said other than the issues with SD we are happy. How in the hell does that translate into me thinking he is perfect. He has clearly made mistakes. I've made a fair few of my own over the years. Despite the fact that my kids are generally well behaved some of those mistakes involved my kids. I think SD causes him every bit as much pain as she does me. Given the fact that he actually cares if she hates him I think it's safe to say his pain is a lot more.
My post was about how having her living in our home was causing too much disruption. The nearly adult is on her last chance with me. What little conversation I've had with DH I think he may have reached the same point. Either she steps in line, or she moves out. How she leaves, alone or with him, is his decision to make.
She's done this before with
She's done this before with her BM and BM has left her more than once. He was livid. I told him at the time that if one of my kids had done that I would have left them too.
You're blaming the kid and BM
You're blaming the kid and BM when it's your DH who has to keep her under control in the house thAT he, you, and your daughter share. I don't care what happened in the past, and he & you can both point fingers until the cows come home. How are you going to live your life going forward? What kind of home life do you want for your daughter?
My daughter is 19 years old
My daughter is 19 years old and is away at college 80% of the time. She was home for a weekend visit. She is a very independent young lady who is very capable of understanding what is going on and standing up for herself if needed. I know what it takes to raise a child to be a healthy productive adult.
Since SD was four years old she would come to DH's house where there were strict rules and expectations. BM refused to enforce similar rules in her home, where SD spent 80% of her time. Eventually SD decided she would rather do what she wanted than see her dad.
During the six months we have had custody we have managed to keep SD in school and on track to graduate. She was kicked out twice while at her moms. She has gotten a job and is beginning to learn the skills she needs to survive. DH has rules and expectations and SD complies to a point.
In this case there is plenty of blame to go around. DH has made mistakes. He knows this and is trying to learn from his previous mistakes. BM has continued to undermine everything he tries to do. She tells SD our rules are too strict. If she is punished, BM will allow her to come to her house and refuses to enforce the punishment.
SD is almost 18 she is capable of understanding the rules and has made a conscious decision to follow only the rules she agrees with. By far the biggest issue we have with her is a failure to take responsibility for her mistakes or her life. What I'm telling DH is I'm not accepting any excuses from her. It's time for a come to Jesus meeting where she can chose to follow the rules or find somewhere else to live.