Trying to move on...but it is difficult
...but it is difficult as I still love my exbf. I ended things a few weeks ago because I cannot be happy in the current situation, which is complicated, perhaps not as much as some other situations, but still, this situation with BM, MIL, SD, and finances are not conducive to having the kind of relationship we both want.
He is really trying to change things but I have no idea how long it will take to settle the things he should have addressed long before he started dating anyone. I just cannot wait any longer. I've invested three years of my life in this relationship and I have not been happy for the past two d/t the stress and drama around my exbf. The main thing is that he needs to extricate himself from the claws of the three other women in his life (MIL especially, SD, and BM) before we can have a relationship...it's like being in a harem with the way things are now.
At any rate, I still love him as a person and he is my best friend. We didn't have an angry falling out, I just simply stated I cannot do this anymore, with everything as it is, and he understood, because he knows he's got a lot of work to do and can see that I've been suffering for a long time. We agreed to just be friends and have not "done" anything, slipped back. Just because we can't have a relationship doesn't mean we want to cut each other out of our lives...it is very important to both of us. So far it is going well...although it is hard because we both still have feelings but we just cannot be together. If he didn't have the situation he has we'd be completely happy as we're very compatible and have many shared interests, good communication, etc. However, love isn't enough in this situation but I am trying to move on.
I guess what I want to know is whether you can move on and date other people when you still love someone. Does it get easier over time? I still love my exH but we both know we cannot be together and have remained friendly overall (after our initial split, which was way more acrimonious than my split with my exbf) so I know it is possible but this is different, I guess because I know my exbf and I are a good match and that it is just the situation that makes a relationship impossible.
I'm not sure what I am really asking. I guess I am wondering what makes it easier to get over it and am I setting myself for more stress trying to date when I feel as I do? Is it possible to separate myself out emotionally? I know I have to, and I want to, because I don't want my life to be on hold anymore for something that might never come.
Anyway, thank you for reading.
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First of all, -hugs- because
First of all, -hugs- because break ups are hard no matter what and even more so if there are feelings there still. I'm so sorry things weren't working for you and your ex-BF.
This may not be what you want to hear, but I think it may make things more difficult to keep him in your life, and vice versa. That being said, I don't know if that means you just have remained on good terms or if that means you chat daily - but if it's anything like the latter, it's a recipe for disaster if you still have feelings for each other. I commend you both for having a relatively amicable end to things instead of letting it get to a blow-out fight, but to continue to draw out a close friendship with someone you love but cannot be happy with spells trouble and more difficulty, at least this soon afterwards. It blurs the line that you're trying to draw with the break-up in the first place and opens the door for mixed and hurt feelings should one or both of you start dating someone else.
You both need time to detox from the relationship. You need to rediscover yourself without him and let the wounds heal. He needs to either focus on his own healing, continue to focus on his daughter or take a good, hard look at his relationship with exMIL and BM and reevaluate his priorities. Both of those are things that are easier to deal with without having to worry about each other right now.
That doesn't mean you can never be friends, but right now emotions are still running high and it's a lot of change; your friendship with him isn't what needs to be the focus if you truly want to move on, heal and find happiness. Maybe after you have both gotten back on solid ground with yourselves, you can pursue the friendship more, but IMHO it isn't the time for that right now.
It takes time to move on from someone you love or even used to love and it certainly won't be easy no matter which route you take, but you have a far greater chance of setting yourself up for success if you can separate more fully from him for the timebeing.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this; just know it will be worth it, in the end.
Thanks ladies. Synaesthete, I
Thanks ladies. Synaesthete, I don't talk to him every day anymore. I know you're probably right, it's just very hard and you're right, having no contact is not what I want. I know I need to focus on myself right now. We have had so many trial splits and the one before this I really felt free of it all, mainly because I was so angry with him because he was telling me he was not going to change things and I was like, "screw this, I cannot do this. If things change, get back to me." Well he did start changing things but it's going to be a LONG process and I am miserable waiting and I'm making him feel pressured. He's already got enough women bossing him around and I don't want to be one more thorn in his side. He needs to make changes for himself, not for me. I also don't want to be the frigging relationship police, a therapist, anything like that...you can't have a true partnership when each person cannot be an individual. He's trying and I think he'll get there but I don't know how long it will take...and right now, he's still like a marionette being controlled by these women.
Anyway, I am really trying. I've gotten involved in volunteering before the breakup, as I am new to the area and have made a few gfs, one really good new gf, I've really reached out to my neighbors, I am exercising, caring for myself, getting out, spending time with my kids, trying to get my house straight. I'll be ok. The whole thing is just on my mind because someone asked me out and I think I am going to go just to get out and have fun...but in a weird way I felt guilty and scared...
He needs to make changes for
He needs to make changes for himself, not for me.
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This, exactly. It sucks to have to watch someone putting themselves through unnecessary hell, especially when we see the solutions so clearly, but old habits die hard and no one can make that happen but him. If you stayed, it would have been one more thing making it "okay" for him to continue doing things as he was; I think he'll learn from this, but you're right when you say it isn't your concern right you. You have healing to do, too; it sounds to me that you've been wrapped up in the drama of his life for so long you've lost touch of who you really are as a person, and no matter what situation causes that it always leads to unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment. Again, I'm not saying you can never be friends and you're not allowed to speak, but there's a time and place to put the effort into that and that isn't what either of you need right now; quite the opposite, you need to both get back on your feet without one another.
Good for you for keeping busy and making contacts - that always is a huge help. If you think you could go out and have a good time, you should do it. Just know you aren't doing anything wrong - that's the point of breaking up, sadly - and it doesn't need to be forever, either, it can be just one nice night out to relax. That being said, if it's too soon for you, it's too soon and there's nothing wrong with that. Either way, make your decision based on you and only you; it's okay and natural to feel guilt soon after a break-up, but letting it rule your future defeats the purpose of removing that person from the core of your life in the first place. It lessens with time as your new life sets in.
Good luck, lady. -hugs- It gets easier.
Thank you so much
Thank you so much Synaesthete...you are a sweetheart. I am 100% sure not being with him is the right thing right now, and you're right...staying would have been one more thing telling him it was ok to continue with the status quo. I made this decision because it is the best for me and not to punish him or try to bring about some sort of change.
Yes, I am no longer part of a couple and whatever decisions I make should be made based on whether they're good for me, whether they make me happy. It's been a long time coming.
Thank you again...your words mean a lot to me.
Hugs,
Alex