When my FH and I decided that we planned on having a future together he said to me that it was important that I loved his D5. I said I did, but of course it was not true. There is no way that I could love a child that I hardly knew. We get her every weekend and I work at night on the weekends and have to sleep during the day. But I tried my best to show her love the best way I knew how. Then we found out that we were having a baby (which would have been my first) around Christmas, he broke down and cried and said that he was afraid that I would have the attitude of it being "our baby" vs. "his kid." He said he wanted me to be a mother to both of them. I assured him that I would not treat her differenly, but it would be only natural for me to have a deeper love for my own flesh and blood child that I carried in my womb. Surprisinly he did agree with me.
Since I lost the baby 3 weeks ago my role as a mother figure has changed or disapeared, and also other issues (that I have discussed in another blog) have worsened. When I suggest that she not eat chocolate cookies instead of lunch or dinner or junk all day long or that she not stay up till 11 or 12 or act however she wants etc., he just blows me off. He is not the most parental type of father by letting her do whatever she wants and him doing other irresponsible things with her. If she was my child I would have a fit about the things he lets her do. I have just resigned my position as a mother figure to her becuase of the differences of opinion my FH and I have about her. And he is totally ok with the fact that I have resigned my position.
My questions are ---Is it just me or is it kind of f***ed up the way he has rejected my motherly role since I'm not expecting his baby anymore? How in the world does he expect for me to love her if I cant care for her or have a say in how she is raised in my own house!?
I feel like I'm swimming in confusion over this kid. That is not how I want to live my life. I used to be a fun care-free person until I had to walk the parent/non-parent tight rope. I want us to be a family but I just dont know how to get over these kid issues with him.