How to deal with a manipulator?
I have been with my DH for five years and we were just married last year. We have no children together, nor will we. He has four kids from his prior marriage. I have 3 SS and 1 SD. They are really great kids and they love me and I love them. Unfortunately they do not know the whole story of the divorce (she was cheating with another married man and not only broke up her family but his as well) and they only ever get one side, her side because my husband has taken the high road since the divorce. He never ever bad mouths her even though he despises her but she constantly bad mouths him to the kids. I always hear in the end they will figure it all out. These thoughts are being put into their heads now and they never get rectified. She mentally manipulates them all the time. It blows my brains in. The damage is done. It's not right. She and I are not friends, she is very insecure of my relationship with her kids. She went and made all the decisions to be with someone else expecting her ex to never find someone who loves him and loves his kids and let me tell you, we(me and the kids) have an unbelievable realtionship. The oldest is 16 and he gets it and he sees the bigger picture. I guess I'm just venting at this point. I guess I want advice on how to defend their father so that they know the truth without it looking like I am bad mouthing their mother , because after all she is their mother and I am just a SM.
- 4stepnoneofmyown's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would love to say that you
I would love to say that you could do this but I don't think it's possible. All that would do is give her something to run with and alienate them against you. I think you've got to let it go and somehow make DH understand that he's got to counteract this. You said the 16 year old gets it - does he try to explain it to the younger ones?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
He doesn't try to explain to
He doesn't try to explain to the younger ones, but he has conversations with his father and they talk things out. He is exactly like his father in the sense that he over analyzes everything and he is the only one out of the four that gets both sides of the story before he judges. When I say that, every now and then he will tell his father things that his mother says and his father will make him see his side without any negativity towards her. This is a really good thing, however, the three younger are not like him. They won't come to their dad like the oldest does, they keep it all inside. They are still really immature. I try to let it go but it is hard and I know I lose when I spend to much time thinking about it because you know she's certainly not thinking about it.
I think they are right, and
I think they are right, and either their father needs to sit them down and gently tell them that thigs are not as their mother described, or the older child needs to give the 411 to the younger ones. Not in all the gory details or anything, just letting them know that people sometimes say things because they are confused/upset/angry/worried about losing their child's love, etc. My DH had to do this with his son too, as his mom was telling him things that weren't true also. He didn't attack her or say she lied, just that things that she told SS might not have happened exactly the way she told him. I don't believe in bad mouthing the other parent (I have a BS14 too) but I also don't think the kids shouldn't be told both sides of the story either
I have dealt with two women
I have dealt with two women in my life who were manipulators to the "T". It is a never-ending battle and it is incredibly exhausting to deal with people like this. You enter into a conversation/debate with them and you leave wondering how he/she managed to divert EVERY single thing you said and make YOU feel like the victim, or make YOU feel bad for THEM, or they turned it all around on you to make you feel guilty, somehow.... It's all about the manipulation and they know how to do it better than anyone else.
It's really unfortunate when there are kids involved, as in your case. The woman I dealt with also had two (high school aged) children who were constantly at her manipulative mercy. I had to do something to understand this woman, and I found the most AMAZING books.
"In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K. Simon - truly helped to be able to put labels on her behaviors. It allowed me to understand it and it showed me ways to counter-act her. The most important thing I learned was to call her out specifically on her behaviors (like during a conversation where she would side-step a question I just asked, I would say, "No, you are beating around the bush so you don't have to answer directly. I asked you _____ and I would like an answer.") Most importantly I learned how to recognize the behaviors, which helps tremendously when dealing with someone like that. **I also think this guy who wrote the book had a website...I don't have time to look for it now but I can help you if you need.
Another is called "Toxic Parents" and I've only paged through it but found it incredibly interesting and ALMOST sent it to this woman's kids...but then decided against it....maybe now that it's been a few years I will
If you want more advice from my point of view let me know! I'm serious, I dealt with THE master manipulator
And won 
Thank you, I will be looking
Thank you, I will be looking up these books tonight.
If the 16 year old gets it,
If the 16 year old gets it, hopefully he'll pass it down to the younger kids. When my parents separated we were all a little older (I was the oldest at 21) but same thing, I understood that things hadn't been good between my parents for quite a while and that a separation was inevitable. It was just a matter of who was going to end the stand off and when.
I'm not saying that I agreed with his method (moved out of the family home and 1 fortnight later broke the news that SM had moved in with him) but that is his perogative.
I had many conversations on the drive from his place back to my Mums with the girls about how it was none of our business what happened between them etc etc. and that we shouldn't be taking sides and getting involved. You will find that the younger kids will go to the older one when they are ready, especially if they see that older son has a good relationship with DP.