You are here

Step-mother for 6 years now ....

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 9:07pm

Just found this site when looking for answers in dealing with my stress and frustration which no to mention is also putting alot of strain on me and my husbands 6 year marriage( But with his ex's constant harrassment and control feels like 1..)..Im 27 and my husband is 37...he has two boys now 9 and 16(when I came into the picture they were 3 1/2 and 10)...Im really looking for answers of how to deal with the ex trying to control what I am allowed to do FOR thier kids and how Im allowed to discipline them etc..I fight with my husband alot about letting them get away with constantly lying and going back to thier mother and lying on me about things that I never said/did--well, only one-the 16 year old...You would think that after 6 YEARS she would let up and realize that we have our rules at our house and that her kids need to respect me as they would any adult--her favorite phrases I have heard every week for 6 years is that I will never know how to be a mother because I have not concieved any of my own yet and the other one is that she is thier mother and my husband is thier father and that I am no one to them and that evert decision is between him and her--and yet is constantly asking favors and other things when it is convenient to her...How does everyone deal with the stress and anger and frustrations? How do you just let constant popshots and crap she tells the kids not bother you?

Comments

beyond pissed-off's picture

Submitted by beyond pissed-off on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 9:16pm

There is no way that you can stop her from being nasty. However, you CAN stop doing her favors.

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 9:21pm

Favors for her would be better put if i stated favors for the kids...Im talking about buying equp. for sports..shoes..etc..I just make sure they dont go without although I know I do not have too..she threatens all the time to take me to court--what is there possibly that court could do to me--

Justwantsomepeace's picture

Submitted by Justwantsomepeace on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 9:24pm

The court can't do anything to you for not buying them things. If she wants to waste thousands so a judge can laugh at her for being a spiteful Beeotch then let her.

Justwantsomepeace's picture

Submitted by Justwantsomepeace on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 9:22pm

My answer would partly depend on how often the kids are with you. I'm custodial, so BM doesn't get to have any input on what I do with the kids. We don't interfere on her time, and she doesn't get to interfere on ours.

If you had them EOW, I think the answer is slightly different. I would treat/discipline them in the same way you would any kids in your home (neice/nephew/family friend). To me, that means, force them to treat the home and people in it with respect, feed them, and make sure they're safe. I would leave punishments to DH (on the surface anyway, I would sure be filling his ears). I learned the hard way from SD21 that I came into her life too late to ever be considered a parent to her. More like an adult family friend or aunt.

My DH and BM have also been divorced 6 years, and the two girls find great pleasure in telling lies to BM about me. It sucks! And there isn't really much you can do about it. Of course, what BM says about you hurts, and it probably always will. My favorite was when BM stood in my driveway and yelled at the kids that they weren't allowed to do what I told them, that "She is the MOTHER" (we've heard this one a lot).

Basically, I try to chalk it up to BM being a pathetic loser with no self esteem. Take the high road with the kids - it will pay off later (especially with the younger one I'm guessing). And I find that a well placed sigh, and "I'm sorry for her that she still feels this way after so many years" gets them thinking.

Sounds like your DH needs to "man up" a little and put her in her place. They're his kids too and she needs to butt out.

Good luck!

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 9:33pm

Custody is joint physical custody- no one parent more time that the other...weds-fris..every other sat and sundays..Your situation sounds almost identical to mine in the little tidbits you just said. the question i HAVE had for a while and sounds kinda bad is why my husband doesnt stand up to her like I would if i could? It seems at times she gets her way right/wrong and our marriage has been a rollercoaster moreso here recently only because I am refusing to continue any longer with the BS...She's tried CPS, serving hand-written notices--papers to the school and rec sports leagues so I couldnt volunteer to have any relationship with the kids and I feel like I have been battling to be allowed to be thier step-mom..Is it a common thing to feel like the outcast and notsoimportant other woman in his life--or have i just been to kind and allowed this to go on?

Justwantsomepeace's picture

Submitted by Justwantsomepeace on Sat, 03/17/2012 - 10:22pm

Have you talked to him about standing up to her? What does he think your role should be?

As far as papers to the school, etc., you might do best to deliver a copy of the custody order showing joint legal custody. She doesn't have the right to exclude you if your DH wants you to be involved. It really comes down to what he wants you to do. Your situation is slightly different than mine, because my DH is custodial. With 50/50 you do have to be a little more sensitive to her feelings. Our BM is not at all involved in that sort of thing, but she frequently tells everyone that the live with her so she doesn't look bad. You just have to find a nice way to let coaches, teachers, etc know that you are involved.

If your DH doesn't want you to be involved in these types of things, you might need to back off a bit. I don't have bio children, but I can imaging how threatening it must feel to her, especially if she isn't remarried.

I think if you read some of the posts here, you'll find that it is very common to feel like the outcast in the family. I know I do and I couldn't be more a part of the family unless their mom was dead. You might have been too nice, but mean isn't the way either. I like to call it "firm" Smile

LRP75's picture

Submitted by LRP75 on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 7:58am

Disengage and let go.

Save yourself and your own sanity

Since it's causing so many problems in your marital relationship, being in the military and working long hours not-withstanding, your DH needs to step up to be the primary parent. Not you. Regardless of your feelings toward those children and your availability to do these things for them, you really are NOT their mother - or even a parent to them. You are forcing yourself into a situation that only remotely is yours to be included in. Everything you have described is your DH's responsibility to take care of. YOUR role is to support HIM while HE does it. Not the other way around.

No wonder BM has lost her mind and won't let up. You really are stepping all over her boundaries.

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 10:14am

I would disagree with your opinion stating not being a parent/anyone to them....are you telling me that when you marry someone the children that they have should be treated as insignificant as I should be? Im sorry but I think that they should be treated "as my own" would be and that in my house that I share with my husband is OUR house to make rules and support them in whatever way possible--in all honesty-if I am volunteering MY time to where it benefits THIER children--homework, volunteering for sports/school activities, and offering advice and support when they come to me for answers...and if the kids are the ones wanting it--the MOTHER should backoff and allow them to be happy..not telling them that they do not have to listen to me and that I am no one...marrying thier father made me someone and lord forbid something should happen to thier BIOLOGICAL mother----who would be there??ME.YEs..certain stuff is only between the mother and father...but where is the line drawn where SHE shouldnt be stepping on my toes in return on what I want to do in MY life...Im not diff than a grandparent wanting to support them in thier endeavors or a family friend that is allowed to do those things in her book....just becasue I married thier father does not give her the right to control what I do with my free time and money...I didnt sign the divorce papers-they did....And you are relating two stories which you should have realized before commenting..my husband is NOT MILITARY etc....and who states what the boundaries are for her trying to control what I do as long as its NOTHING TO DO WITH HER? Nothing I have done has ever beenfor SELF_benefit...it has all been done for the children as it should be...
Wink :O Blum 3

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 10:39am

Where have I stated anywhere that I am thier mother or gave the insinutation I was trying to be? I volunteer my time to other kids of friends of the family as well and help 3 other children of friends with homework tutoring and other things--nothing any diff than I have done for his 2...is that wrong of me too since they have mothers already?? Your response sounds kind of biased and marrying him made me his wife and since I have to live with 2 children in teh house it made me a step-"parent" hence the word...STEP...I am there to support him when he needs help and there are things he does not get with the homework that I do and I do not think it should wait till they go back to thier mothers next week and let thier grades fail because of it??doesnt make sense to me..and where have I EVER stated that I want to be thier mom or have equal status? I want to volunteer and do things that anyone off the street can do! Im talking about the little stuff that doenst effect anyone or impose on personal shit with the kids....and you cant say that he can do it all on his own and I just stand back and watch when I am there to support him ...wtf???

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 11:20am

Who said I was doing it for him? We do alot together and for the most part he does EVERYTHING himself..

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 12:45pm

Your Blog Kayro - - -"He is at a point now that he could move closer to me but he doesn't want to. He doesn't dislike my kids because he doesn't really know them but he does not want to step in and be a parent at this point in his life. He's younger than me, I won't have any more children and mine are 12g and 13b. Who, incidentally, have made it very clear to me they don't want a stepfather even though they know he's been part of my life for 5 years now.

Right person, wrong time.. is still the wrong person.

My heart though... ugh. Losing him and what love and emotional support I do get from him coupled with feeling that he rejected my children, and thus rejected me. There's just some kind of emotional thing there I'm not dealing with very well.

It might have been different had he been more involved when they were 7 and 8 but who knows. This is the reality right now."

Baised off of your own experiences...why would you tell me to not be involved with the children? You are looking for that connection...why did you delete?

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 1:19pm

Please re-read and let me know where you got that idea that I wanted confirmation to be another mother ...I am pretty sure I just wanted to be involved and be allowed to do things with the kids to be a PART of thier life---that in no way makes me marked for trying to replace or BE thier MOTHER. You dont have to concieve to be a good parent as many adoptive parents can vouch -THAT is what I am saying--the ex said that I know nothing about being a mom even after 6 years...only because I dont have children of my own...I dont need to conceive to know between right and wrong, and responsiblility and respect.

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 10:16am

And I agree...people adopt every day...does that mean that since they did not concieve them that they would not be good parents...what classifys a good parent because they are ones such as her that are more about using the kids for her benefit rather than thiers THAT DO NOT DESERVE THEM!

4sremlap's picture

Submitted by 4sremlap on Sun, 03/18/2012 - 10:29am

Thats the problem..she controls the little stuff and a part of it is he allows it...due to her threatening court...and other things..he's afraid of kids getting taken away even tho he knows there is nothing he has done that she could do that--she threatens more CSupport all the time and we already pay for EVERYTHING...she married the day thier divorce was finalized and does not allow me to take them ANYWHERE...no doc visits, no pick ups from school , no watching them when she or my husband are working and cannot ...her mother or her sister or her husband can...but every time I try to EVEN ON OUR DAYS...there are a million phone calls stating Im not thier mother blah blah blah--so sick of hearing that--I think I would know if I had children of my own..Im not ignorant...But I cant even be thier friend!! then there's another phone call that I shouldnt be giving them advice that thier mom or dad should not me although they come to me!! We had to get a court paper stating that they talk once a week about everything without me in the room and she still breaks it by texts and e-mails and phone calls stating that she needs to know then and now and will not wait etc. etc....and its things that could wait...not pressing matters at all-nothing about doctors, school, insurance, illness etc....its petty shit..And I dont try to be thier parent...the things I ask them to do are to clean up after them, to do thier homework--those kind of demands that I wouold ask ANYONE that would stay at my house...I am not talking to teachers nor allowed to go with my husband when he goes...or calling the docs trying to find out thier personal info...???????????????????????????????????????????????