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I feel like this will never work

2plus2's picture

My DH and I got in an argument last night. I was checking SD's cell phone (part of her agreement to having one due to past issues) and there was a text from BM about how much fun she had over the weekend(visitation). I told my DH that I was jealous and I wished it could be like that for us and he started going off on me, saying what am I supposed to do about it. I am tired of being hurt by him and the skids. I vent so I won't be angry but he sees it as he has to protect the kids from me....he even said during the argument something about my kids, as if the past 10 yrs I have spent raising these kids means nothing. UGh it sucks. I just want him to be sympathetic, to put himself in my shoes for once. My SD13 is angry A LOT and I am ALWAYS the target of that anger and its hard, esp. when she is angry at her mom but she goes there for the weekend and has a wonderful time, who wouldn't be jealous. Last week she was mad at her dad for not letting her live with BM and she wrote as one of her solutions, killing me, then she changed it to getting drunk and stabbing me....all because she wasn't getting her way, but it wasn't me saying no it was her dad, but I was still the target:(
I am tired of people, my DH, MIL expecting me to be super human, I am not and I just don't know how much longer i can take this. Dh just doesn't seem to get it.

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

did anyone address her violent "solution" that she wrote? That would be a huge problem if it were me.

You are not super human nor do you have to be with his kids. I don't think my situation is this extreme but I do empathize.

Kes's picture

If your SD hates you so much, (and I can't imagine you are enjoying living with her so much at present!) and wants to go and live with her BM - why can't this happen? It would seem a good solution for you and her. If you have spent 10 years raising her it sounds like what you have already done has been over and above the call of duty...

Also, like "always anxious" I think the thing she wrote about you should be addressed - how would she feel if someone wrote that about her or someone she loved? It is downright violent, offensive and unacceptable.

2plus2's picture

I did ask my DH to address it and he asked her about it and she said she wrote it a long time ago when she was angry...NOT true because she wrote on her dry erase board in the a.m. that she wanted to kill me, then she got home from school and changed it to stab me. I took photos and showed my DH, he said he told her not to talk like that....I said that's all he said yes not everything has to be a big deal and get dragged out. UGH it is a big deal if you talk like that, esp. the explicit part. Thanks to this board I am standing up for myself more, and have told my DH that he had better stand up for me or it is just not going to work out:(

Yme's picture

If an adult wrote this about you it would be a criminal offence...My SD13 wrote a simular letter...detailing what she had tried and what she planned on doing next....VERY graphic and DETAILED.....Titles "What I Have Done To Get Rid Of Mom"....It made me sick when I found it...DH had little to say about it and blamed it on her BM leaving her when they were going to pick the BM up for repeatedly calling in faulse Child Abuse reports on me...UGGGHHHH!!!!
I made copies and gave them to her pshy dr and therapist/child protection and the deputy who investigated the faulse child abuse case...when confronted she admitted what she had written was true and that is currently how she feels.....They have not done a thing about it...they do adress it from time to time but she gets to "feel" that way and no one seems to think she is a real threat...
NOW if I on the other hand had written a plan of how to "Get Rid Of SD" and graphically listed what I HAD tried and what I PLANNED on doing next like SD13 did I would be in JAIL!!!!!!

I made copies and gave one to my mom and best friend...along with a letter incase anything ever happened to me...they would know where to start the investigation...

hismineandours's picture

You still let her in the house? I would even give her the opportunity to do anything to "get rid" of you. I would get rid of her by giving her a one way ticket out of your house permanently. Your dh can visit her elsewhere if he is so inclined to hang out with his freaky daughter.

This is part of the issue with kiddos now a day. Violent video games, music, movies, etc-it conditions them to be immune to this sort of thing. It's not a big deal to talk like this or say these things. Then when we have the adults who are in charge of them also giving them the message that these are ok things to think, feel, and talk about it is just the nail in the coffin (perhaps literally).

I am a therapist-and I tell every kid I work with that it is NEVER ok to talk like this for ANY reason. It is ok to be mad, it is even ok if you dont like someone, but it gives you no right to be violent or threaten violence. Just because you dont like someone it does not give you the right to HURT anyone with your words or actions.

Yme's picture

If I could get her out of my house I would!! DH has sole custody...BM is as nutty as SD13....
DH has recently stepped WAY up becuse I am disengaging!! he fears raising this obsessive nutty kid by himself...He is trying hard to hold her more accountable...
I am so glad to see a therapist who will and does put her foot down! I have decided that is SD13 EVER writes anything like this again I am calling the police! She is old enough to know better!! (and she is unstable enough to act on these threats!)

2plus2's picture

Thanks everyone for the support, things seemed to have calmed down a little bit around here...Hope it stays that way:)
I did tell her tho after an incident of name calling that until she could show me respect that she would have to ask her dad or mom for anything.....after about a week plus of this she went somewhere and needed a ride I asked her if she asked dad for one, and she said I thought we were over that, I said my only stipulation is if you are ready to be respectful, and she said yes, so we are moving forward!
I have raised this child and feel for her like I do my own, if my bio kids were having problems I would stand by them and help them, her bio mom made this mess but I have spent 10 years cleaning it up and I won't just abandon her like her bio mom did....heck that's why she has these problems to begin with. Each day I just have to remember not to take things so personal, she is just a kid. For now one day at a time:)