Step Daughter - what to do
I'm new to this site, and new to blogging, but happy I found this site b/c being a stepparent is so hard! My 15 yr old SD lost her BM two years ago. Before BM passed my husband and I had 50/50 custody of their two kids. BM had many issues apart from just physical illness. BM and my husband were divorced for over 8 years by the time I came into the picture, but you would have thought it was fresh with the way she acted. Note BM was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer which is extremely sad, but she managed to live way longer than expected, almost 14 years after first being diagnosed. When I came into the kids lives I noticed they weren't in any activities, such as music or sports. They ate primarily processed foods and junk food. They would stay up all night playing on their electronics, and their grades weren't great. So as I grew into this new family I started taking electronics away at night, I got my SD and SS into activities and even got them going to church. But then BM would undo anything positive my husband and I tried to implement for the kids. They started enjoying church, she would tell them God gave her cancer and that we were trying to 'force' beliefs on them. She convinced them to stop their activities bc she was dying and any activities during her week with the kids meant less time with her. She encouraged them to eat whatever they wanted, that 'fat' is beautiful. We cooked healthy meals the kids refused to eat, she then accused us of starving the kids. The kids started making good grades, we celebrated then BM would tell the kids we only loved them when they made good grades, and grades don't matter. So fast forward six years, BM passes and now I have a SD who is angry at God, obviously grieving, refuses to eat anything healthy (she buys junk food with her little allowance she gets and hides it in her room), thus she never feels good and is overweight which causes her back to hurt and constant tummy aches. Also, before and after BM passed we tried to get the kids into counciling, but BM told them they didn't need it. So my SD has no outlet to grieve and BM since SD was a baby told her that 'daddy left us' and 'your dad doesn't really love you.' SD is angry, her grades aren't good, she's been caught drinking, getting high, ditching classes and cheating at school (stuff we know about). She's been grounded since 2/14. We've tried everything we can think of to set boundaries but also show love and support. But it's hard because she's not very nice, extremely spoiled and manipulative (last week she called me a F*** B***). Also she plays my husband like a fittle, using his guilt to get what she wants. So causes a lot of fights between me and my husband. So lost. My SS was the same way, it was horrible, but he seemed to mature and is now doing great (minus the unhealthy diet). Hoping this is just a phase but lost on what to do. Also she makes all of us miserable when she's grounded. I can't stand being around her but I know that's not good to just stay away from her.
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I'm sorry but I have little
I'm sorry but I have little experience with any of this BUT something jumped out at me - please get your SD tested for celiac disease. The constant tummyaches is a huge flag for it. And junk food is absolutely laden with gluten.
Thanks, I'm gluten intolerant
Thanks, I'm gluten intolerant but never considered SD. Although, her tummy seems to hurt whenever it's time to do chores, go somewhere she's doesn't want to go or test days. But can't hurt. Thank you.
My heart breaks for your
My heart breaks for your family.
I can't imagine being a teen and watching your mother die. I can't imagine coming into a family that was experiencing all this pain and your steps to help were trashed. You have all been through so much.
Is anyone/everyone in counseling?
Thank you. I do feel for the
Thank you. I do feel for the kids. Not to mention living with BM for 14 yrs to hear...I'm dying everyday. Every six months we would get texts or letters about it being the end, then we would find out BM was off to Europe or Disney land. It was a constant rollercoaster, no one ever really knew what was really going on.
After a lot of fights we got SD in counciling SS we got in counciling years ago. It will take time, but untiL then we have to keep her from self destructing. 15 is hard anyways then to lose your mom I can't imagine. But doesn't give her a free pass to lie, manipulate and be mean. Thanks for the support. It's helpful just to vent../followed by prayer and wine:)
NO it doesn't give her a free
NO it doesn't give her a free pass at all!
I am glad she is in counseling- but use this site, it will help your sanity to vent away and say some of the things you could never say out loud!
Im so sorry you and your DH are going through this
You have an uphill battle ahead of you. And there is no cookie-cutter way to go about it. Ive been hiking recently. Before I go, I try to look at the trail, look at that spots that are going to be tough, memorize the connector trails and envision the best way to go and have a positive experience. And then something unexpected happens, but I am prepared for it.
There is no way to prepare for something like what you are experiencing. Firstly, it sounds like she acting out however she can, testing and pushing boundaries whereever she can. The ONLY way you can successfully address this is by clear consistent boundaries and a united team with your DH. HE needs to understand that Guilty Daddy, is weak parenting that is not going to help her in any way. She needs PARENTING from both of you. Her mother passing doesnt give her a free pass to be an a$$hole. Teenagers are jerks, but the difference is your response.
She needs to be in therapy. Perhaps read and reasearch ways of dealing with this from folks that dealt with this SUCCESSFULLY. The fact that you are here is tremendous so welcome to steptalk. There are so many here with years of experience and wonderful advice.
The bright spot is that the toxic BM is no longer going to roadblock you in your parenting. Sad that she managed to do so much damage that now you need to undo, but sounds like you are on the right pathway. All you can do is your best.
So - your DH and you need to be on the same page in the same book. United in your parenting. Sd needs to experience repercussions for her "acting out". She needs to be given boundaries. And have consistent maintaining of these boundaries.
Good luck, and keep reading and posting.
im so sorry
new to the site. new to being a step dad, but i just wanted to say how sorry i am for everything that is happening and has happened to you and your family
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments and support. Instantly feel better and encouraged. I don't like her right now, but I do love her and will do everything in my power to help her. Parenting is so hard especially when you can't fully parent. When my parents told me to do something, I did it. Now a days it's all about 'my rights.' Also DH has had years of abuse from BM, he goes into depression whenever he has to parent then turns on me. We tried to get her into group therapy (which took us months to get a spot), she refused. She did agree to counseling finally after begging and pleading for her to go. We tried getting her to go to church with us again, she went off about how God killed her mom. I know that often if kids don't have an outlet they will turn to drugs and alcohol. DH is getting better, and it is better (don't judge me for saying this) now BM is not constantly blocking us. Just venting, but every week it was drama. We would get a text from BM saying that either SS or SD tried to hurt themselves and she is rushing them to a suicide clinic. The reason was bc the kids didn't feel safe at our home and they were scared. Followed by a long email to the principle of how things like chores, taking away electronics and working on grades at Dad's house is really stressing the children out and that's why they felt suicidal. WTF...it's called parenting. Then few days later they were back at our house. What mom would let her kids in a home where she claims her kids are saying is making them scared. Turns out every time she took them it had to do with another student, nothing to do with us.
DH boss bought a hotel that happens to be my name. DH brought home some robes and cups from the hotel with its logo. BM told the kids DH bought the hotel and named it after me bc he loves me more then them. She also told them things like 'your dad abused me' (DH is the nicest man and in our 8 yrs he's never been abusive, not even close) or would show them personal emails (with sexual content) from when DH and her were married and claim DH recently sent them and DH is still in love with her and cheating on me (not bragging, but that was almost comical if not so sad). Even if it were true, which it's not, what mom would show their child sexual emails between adults??? I'm not a doctor but learned when her liver failed she could live a bit longer, maybe a few months, if she used a bag to rid her toxins (pls someone correct me if I'm wrong), but once the bag was off she would only live for about 5-8 days (again correct me if I'm wrong).my DH wasn't very clear on the specifics towards the end. Well turned out she created A Go Fund me account and raised $25k. She then took her friend and the kids to Hawaii 8 days before DH birthday (during COVID), no bag, so she knew she didn't have long. Well, we get a call she's dying, DH flies to Hawaii, gets a VRBO, next day, on his birthday, she passes but tested positive for COVID. So now the kids are stuck far away from friends and other family for ten days with some random friend and thank goodness they had their dad. I have chapters of crazy stories that break my heart.
in short, I know the kids have been manipulated and abused, so it's going to be a lot of work. But hopefully with support, love, prayer, wine and using this site will get us closer to a better place everyday. And as having many stepmoms before, I know how important it is to always be respectful of BM, I always ask about their favorite memories and things they did together. Even though I'm cringing inside, I know it's important to talk positive and listen.
It sounds like you are trying really hard
And doing lots of the right things.
One thought from me: Don't push her to go to church. Some people aren't religious and that doesn't mean that we end up turning to drugs and alcohol abuse. If she finds her way back to your church or another church later, well and good but she may never return. I put up with having to go until I was 18 and finished at my very religious school. (Note: I had 10 years of attending religious school) I have not attended since except for funerals, weddings and christenings. I'm a happy successful adult but I find attending religious services borderline painful.
Church
I apologize, I wasn't trying to imply that because she refuses to go to church she will turn to bad decisions. I just mean she doesn't have a positive outlet. It doesn't have to be church, could be art, sports, baking, writing even just taking walks. Just one thing that she can do to help channel the pain.
I understand btw what you mean about growing up with church. I went to a Christian school until I was 18, church every Wednesday and Sunday. It was horrible. I didn't get much out of it apart from feeling guilty about everything. But years later I found a church that brings me joy, focuses on support, positive messages and reminds me I am never alone. I couldn't have gone through some of this without my faith. But that's me. Say for my dad, he goes hiking and just wants to be alone in nature.
In short my concern is her saying 'I hate God.' Not necessarily she doesn't believe. To have that much hate and sadness will destroy someone from the inside out.
BTW I know many horrible people that attend church every week. I know many wonderful people who aren't religious or explore their faith in other ways besides church. I wasn't judging and again sorry if it came off that way.