Why do some BM's feel the need to be nasty?
So, I cant decide what her problem is........
SS starts high school next year and school fees are due next week. My SO pays CS every month as scheduled, so SS bday is like a month ago, mind you, SO hasnt seen SS in like 6 months, (except for my BS's bday)as SS doesnt want to come here, but is still expected to get an expensive lego set that SS wants. So SO buys a bday present (not the requested lego set) and takes it down to SS to see him for his bday where he is informed that school fees for next year are 1200 including fees books uniform camps etc etc. SO being who he is offers to pay half (angry that I wasnt consulted first!!) so last week SO gets a txt stating that fees are due on 11th. About a weeks notice that we need to come up with $600. So i tell him there is a new govt payment coming out to help families with the costs of education, the govt is phasing out alot of other payments and rolling them all into 1. This payment is $820 per child in high school each year. We are both thinking "awesome!! BM and SO will now only have to pay 200 each instead of $600. So BM txts him today and says can you drop cash off to me tomorrow so I can pay the fees on Tuesday. At which point he txts back to let her know about this new payment and how it will benefit them both. What does BM do??? She calls him up swearing at him and carrying on at which point he hangs up. BM says she isnt entitled to it basically coz she earns too much, really BM?? according to CS you only earn 10k a year and the cut off for the payment is 94K thats a bit of a discrepancy. (CS in AU is calculated based on a percentage of taxable income and can be changed any time without going to court). She also had a dig about SO not being interested in any SS related events.
BM never bothers to tell SO anything that is happening with SS but then has the nerve to say that?? Particularly when BM is taking SS interstate for Christmas and hasnt bothered to let SO know that he wont be seeing SS at all for Christmas.
Long story short she wound up telling him not to bother that clearly it was too hard for him to support "their" child.
Have I made things worse?
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Idk.... I think your so shld
Idk.... I think your so shld pay half. He pays child support I know, but he doesn't see child often bc child doesn't want to come over. Ok so your so cld still spend time with child. Just seems like he might be doing bare minimum? Plz don't get upset bc that's not my intentions. But ifffff child lived w you all, did not go to bm, all she does is pay support.... But you have child all the time when sometimes a wkend free w your so wld b nice etc ... Your child asks bm for.specific gift and she doesn't get the gift even tho she nvr spends time w child now she can't even get the gift the child asked for as you and so go about trying to make the day special for the child. You tell her bout school bill then remind her, now it's due on tuesday and she talks bout this tax thing and wants to put that towards the bill... Taking another way out as the bill is due tuesday .... If you reverse it,.you can see why she gets mad. I was the mom who always had my kids as my ex nvr had them... He did bare minimum and his child support didn't come close to the expense of high school childrens appetites or activities or other expenses. I wld have appreciated a lil down time as well. The kids didn't wanna go there either as they were bored and he didn't really spend time w them. So he went on w his life thinking bc he pd cs he was a great dad... What about homework, what about attitudes, what about when their bodies are changing and their first relationships... Alot he missed out on. That's my opinion as a bm. I'm ALSO a ssm... My kids r grown and was in the clear... I saw a green meadow n flowers lol I was in a new phase of life... Yaaaay.... Well hell if I didn't start dating a guy w a 8 yr old who also has problems... O God has a great sense of humor!!! Lol.... I'm just saying I'd be a honest sounding board for your so ... So later in life he realizes yes you love him, but you also stood up to him to help him b a great father as well... He will love you even more if you NICELY nudge him to b a btr dad... N I'm sure he is a great dad.... But sometimes they nd to see both sides. Your bm doesn't seem too bad. So a lil effort on working together might yield beautiful results w a child feeling both parents love him
good luck!!
Ok, off the bat I see where
Ok, off the bat I see where you are coming from and neither of us have a problem paying for school fees but the govt does help out with payments for education. We were just trying to ease the burden on both sides given that Christmas is coming up fast, he is a contractor with very little work right now and I am 31 weeks into a high risk pregnancy. I am also a BM to 2 BS's who I also need to support and I actually get less in CS for 2 than BM does for 1. But does that give her the right to call SO up and verbally abuse Him and just be generally nasty about it? SS is generally only "their child" when it suits her. example, SS broke his wrist at school, did BM bother to let SO know?? no she didnt, he found out through the school and called her. has BM let SO know that she is taking SS interstate for christmas?? no, SO found out from FMIL and BM still hasnt mentioned it. Also we suspect that SS won't come here due to some heavy interference by FMIL and definite PAS from BM and her friends. SO was calling SS every week and SS would tell him he wasn't coming coz SO never spends any time with him while he's here, which is definately not true. Wouldn't see SO for Father's Day, or bday but expects SO to deliver expensive bday and Xmas presents?
My ExH doesn't pay half of anything. I pay for school fees and books and camps and excursions health insurance out of pocket costs for dentist optometrist and surgeries. ExH pays child support and that's it, has our boys EOWe. But we communicate about the kids so we're both in the loop about what's happening.
IDK, it all does my head in........
I know what you mean. It's
I know what you mean. It's frustrating as hell... Sounds like you have things set up rt w ur ex but ur SO hasn't set things up as clear or lets his ex get away w stuff idk??? If child forgets bday etc for gifts, only thing I can say is remember he is the child and ur SO is the parent. Don't put same responsibility on the child that adult has. Maybe bm doesn't give him money to buy a gift... How wld ur boys buy their dad a gift if.you didn't help? Also maybe bm guilts the child into feeling bad if he gets close to his dad?? Idk this whole flipn step shit is for the pros lol... I give you credit for trying to go forward and have another child... Bc I think this step stuff is waaaaay confusing and frustrating and I might just find a man with grown children or no children. Ughhhh thankfully I'm not married. Lol good luck girl n hang in there.
If he wants to pay half pay
If he wants to pay half pay it directly to the school. In our case we would never give cash directly to BM for any expense. She will overstate the cost just to get more money or fla out lie about an expense to get more money, 1200.00 seems like an awful,ot for school fees.
I agree with Newstep. NEVER
I agree with Newstep. NEVER pay any money directly to the BM. Always contact the place that is billing for skid and verify the amount. I will bet you that your BM already got the govt program and is trying to get your DH to pay extra towards the cost.
Also, I know exactly what you mean about your ExH. I am in a similar situation. My Ex pays ONLY CS. No fees, sports costs, books,NADA! But my H gladly shells out extra $$$ for sports registration, yearbooks, fund raisers, etc. He even paid one year for SD's basketball sneakers, which should have been paid out of CS. This has been a major source of resentment towards him since he gives me such grief when I want to buy my kids something but he is willing to dip into his pocket to sponser ANYthing the SDs do.
My ex was the same way. He
My ex was the same way. He paid CS and we split any other costs 50/50 he would never pay 100% for anything extra which I agreed with. He paid CS and I used it for the kids. Now SO pays CS and 100 % of everything else SD needs simply because BM "won't" which drives me crazy. If BM "won't " pay for it or at least part of it then SD doesnt get to do it/have it. SO and I have major disagreements over it because he will not have his princess go without.
Kudos to BM for not taking
Kudos to BM for not taking the government money.
Saying mom won't share info is an excuse some dad's use for not being involved. Nothing is stopping BDs 'from calling schools, coaches...to request dates, times, location...for various events.
Newstep and Island I agree
Newstep and Island I agree wholeheartedly, although having said that it probably wouldnt have occurred to me to do that if I didnt logon to ST for advice, so THANK YOU to all the ST posters!!
SO called the school this morning to make the payment directly to them and NOT to BM. I wanted to see the invoices purely and simply so that we knew we werent funding her trip interstate, but the school seems to be a little disorganised with everything and couldnt even find his registration. SO is now just waiting for a phone call back to find out whats owing and make the payment. I called CS this morning and we can register the school fees as a non prescribed payment which will reduce CS payments for the next 6 months. Not sure if we will do that yet or not.
TMR in regards to pressies for bday, Christmas, fathers day etc, you are right, I do pay for presents for my ExH from BS's but they always have input as to what they want to get him, my ExH also buys for me from BS's so that its even. SO and BM clearly do not have that arrangement! My BS's also buy pressies for SO, they come to me around the time of the event and say they want to get BD this and SO that then we go shopping. They also do a Fathers Day stall at school which I always give them money for, BS's always ask for enough to get something for both BD and SO. And they also make stuff at home for both, its always a gift giving bonanza in my house if the BS's have any say in it! Its not really about the money though, SS could make a card at home and that would be enough, it is the thought that counts after all, but he doesnt even bother with that.
I am really looking forward to having the baby, its a girl, and since we both have boys we are both very excited even though she was a bit of a whoopsie (unplanned), i cant take b/c coz the drs think it triggered off blood clots in the lungs last year (i also have a blood clotting disorder so that doesnt help), and clearly our method of contraception wasnt as effective as we thought!
Disney, its awfully hard to call schools, coaches etc and find out about event times etc when we dont even know the event is on, that is about to change coz the school SS is going to has all that info online and SO can get a login to find out about these events, something that we looked into due to the advice I have found on here!! Again, Thank you to all the posters on ST!!! When SS was actually coming to our house quite often BM would organise something for him on our weekend and SS then wouldnt come coz he would then feel like he missed out. So what do you do? If SO puts his foot down he looks like the asshole, if he doesnt he misses out and this is how we ended up with the situation we are in now!
If the child won't come see
If the child won't come see you, he has some gall asking for expensive present.
It sounds like child needs to be entertained when he visits? How old is this child? To me it sounds like mom is coaching him re. his dad, aka PAS.
Please let us know what you find out re. school fees!
My thoughts on that are the
My thoughts on that are the same, if you wont come here you have no right to expect something big and expensive, but then I wondered if I was being too hard because of the way i feel about SS, SO and I have discussed it, I am very angry with SS because of his behavior towards his BD and also the things we have heard from BM, not sure if SS goes home and lies about things that have happened here or if BM takes it out of context but what has come back from BM has been so far from the truth its ridiculous!
SS just turned 12, not sure about the whole entertaining thing, seems he has no problem taking over the Wii or TV in the lounge room when BS4 is watching or playing (even though he has TV and Wii in HIS room coz he didnt want to share) when he was coming here, playing cricket or kicking the footy with his dad in the back yard or starting a wrestling match with BS8 (in which he inevitably ends up hurt, not sure how that happens when he is 4yrs older and twice the size of BS). otherwise he pretty much just shadows his dad the whole time which irritates SO.
Still waiting on the school fees..........