Sadly you are justified but he will probably never see or care to see where you are coming from. My first wedding anniversary is coming up and dh says we will have to take time off of work during the week if we want to go do anything because the sshits come every weekend. And he just got out of thanksgiving too (see my previous post). So as long as we are ok with being on the bottom of the pile and do something to stand up for ourselves and our marriage, I am afraid at the bottom of the pile we will stay.
Just a couple of other notes: let him take the trip to go see his kid. You stay home with your bd and go do something for yourselves. I also think he should not be leaving you home alone with your bd and all of the skids when he is out of town.

That doesn't sound like a great situation. How long has he been divorced? If you are celebrating 3 years together it has probably been a while. Does he have a court ordered visitation schedule?

My thoughts? Get the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Today. Even better if you have a kindle and download it right this very minute.

It addresses guilty dads who would rather have conflict with their wife than conflict with their ex. It will help give you the words to discuss this with DH so he doesn't hear it as jealousy or that you 'hate his kids'. It will help you know that you are NOT crazy or wrong.

Another thing that helped me was something called Love Languages. You can google it. There are books and other materials, but I think the website is enough to get the the idea. Anyway, the premise is that there are (I think) 5 'love languages' (um...quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving. That each individual feels loved and valued by different words/actions and not having the same love language as their spouse can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, etc. There is a quiz on the site to learn your 'language'. Mine is quality time, so I totally get where you are coming from with the anniversary weekend. I talked SO into taking the quiz and out of the 30 or so questions, quality time did not come up once for him. So until I understood this, I was beating my head into a wall being hurt about not getting quality time. Meantime, whenever I did have an emotional meltdown about feeling unloved, SO was like "what do you mean? didn't I just fix your car and mow the lawn?" (his language is acts of service). Neither one of us has changed, mind you, but we do have a better understanding of each other's needs.

Finally, vent away here. It helps.

double post.

Welcome...and sorry it came to the point that you had to come to this site. This is a great site but just saying that people on here are usually coming from the "worse case scenarios" of step parenting. Just something to keep in mind here when you read the stories and responses

Yes, you are justified in your feelings. I was actually feeling a little sorry for your dh when first reading because I can understand how difficult it must be to work so much and not have enough time to divide between so many people who are important in his life. What got me tho is when your dh asked you, "You think I should not see them so we can celebrate our anniversary?" This sounds like a very controlling statement to me and he is trying to shift his guilt of forgetting and now, ignoring your anniversary onto you.
Of course you want him to be able to see his kids, but just like you wrote, can't you at least be a priority for a single day? This is assuming you aren't demanding of his attention on a constant basis throughout the year.
As busy as your dh is, do the two of you get much time to just talk about things?

I would be very upset if I were you

My birthday has been trumped by SK activities for the last 3 years, so I understand completely what you are feeling. The SK is involved in a travel sport, so my DH is gone at least 2 weekends a month doing that (BM "says" she'll step up and take SK once in a while, but it'll never happen because it costs $$).

I don't know what to tell you, because I haven't found an effective way to deal with it myself. But I feel for you.

Your husband is having a tough time putting all of his priorities in place. All of his family should be a priority - that means both you and all the kids. He is letting his guilt determine that his older kids come first. He needs to set schedules with regards to work, older kids, Wife and BD - not necessarily in that order - but you know what I mean. He needs to post the schedule (on the fridge) so that all involved know where they fit in....AND he needs to stick to the schedule. So if he plans some time with you - he needs to explain if someone else wants that time slot - that he is sorry but he already has set plans. Not very hard to do. It sounds to me that he just basically wings it until the EX calls and THEN he makes the plans - regardless what he has promised you. This is inconsiderate and your hubby needs to understand this. In defense of your hubby, he sounds like he gets pulled alot of different directions...so if he takes control and starts setting a schedule, he will be able to see how much simpler life can be and all others involved can get some of his time...If he refuses to do this simple thing, then you may have to consider that he just does not see your needs as that important. A girlfriend of mine was going through the same thing and when she asked her hubby why he always put others first before her, he said honestly he knew she wasn't going to do anything about it anyway and hearing her bitch was better than hearing the EX complain....She divorced him last year and he sure wishes he could hear her bitch now...LOL

Cali, you need to go to marriage counseling as soon as you can. The marriage counselor will tell your H that he needs to make YOU and your marriage the priority. All houses need a strong foundation and your marriage IS the foundation.

I also highly recommend you buy the book Stepmonster and you and your H need to read it. Here is a review of the book that really helped me.

"*************************************************************************************

"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."

I was also put last. For 7 years everyone came before me, even while I was fighting for my very life. My H still put his kids and ex before me. I became very hurt and very resentful and bitter. I wanted to divorce him. I finally exploded in rage this August and sought counseling. I wish I would have done it years ago. It would have spared me so much pain and bitter feelings.

Since counseling he no longer puts me last. He bends over backwards now to make me and our marriage the priority!

Good luck Hon.