Bio mom is now homeless...?
Hello everyone! I am a 21 year old woman dating a 35 year old man who has three sons. The oldest son is 9 and he is from one mother (we see him roughly once a month or so - she kind of lives her own life with her new man and rarely involves my boyfriend unless she needs money) and the other two sons are 2 and 8. The 2yr old is biologically his, and the 8yr old he was the father figure of for the last 6yrs so he still comes and stays with us even though my boyfriend is no longer with the mother. The 2yr old we have every weekend, and the 8yr old probably every other weekend - more often than not. Anyway, I grew up in a pretty stable household - my parents have been married for 25 years and were always together and 'happy' throughout my childhood - so I have little to NO experience with step parenthood. So needless to say, I'm pretty clueless about the whole ordeal.
Anyway, the second bio mom burnt her kitchen down 3 weeks ago and because all of her smoke detectors were unhooked her landlord evicted her. She was living in subsidized housing as she has no job and is on welfare. She got insurance money from the fire that was supposed to be used for first and last on a new place but instead she's using it to stay at a hotel. She told my boyfriend yesterday it's almost run out and yet she still has no place to go... My boyfriend doesn't want his kids staying at a hotel so has been pressing her to leave them with us for weeks. They have been here on an off but never stable - which is what we want - so it's super frustrating... The 2yr old is with us right now while the 8yr old has been at different friends' houses... which again is not good. She's doing little to nothing to find a new place to stay... but at the same time doesn't want to be away from her kids.
It's frustrating to me because I honestly wish they could just be with us all the time but... at the same time I've only been with my boyfriend for 8 months and I don't feel like I yet have the right to be butting my nose into everything. I give him my opinion and he listens but he's so nonconfrontational. They don't have any court-ordered arrangment when it comes to who sees the kids when so he's scared that if he says something she'll just take the kids and not let him see them... which she has done before when he confronted her about her drug problem and tried to convince her to go to rehab...
It's such a hard situation and I just am at such a loss, this is so beyond me. I love my boyfriend and I love his boys, I just wish it wasn't so dramatic... Any advice, insight, or input would be nice. I'm just so new at this and I have no idea what's okay, what isn't... I don't know. I'm really stressed out. 
^ EXCELLENT ADVICE!!! Please,
^ EXCELLENT ADVICE!!!
Please, walk away now. A situation like that is a life sucker. Just walk away and start your own family. You are way too young. Run, run for your life.
His son is homeless. Why
His son is homeless. Why hasn't he called CPS yet?
Sorry, but if you were my
Sorry, but if you were my daughter I'd be advising you to get out of this relationship. There are so many red flags it's not even funny.
I only read the first
I only read the first sentence and thought:
Why, why, why?!?
Alright, well let me start
Alright, well let me start off with this: I am a young Stepmom, I am only 23. That being said my husband is only 24 and his son is 3 1/2. So there are definite differences in just the basic rundown of our situations. I love my stepson, have known him his whole life, and known my husband since we were 10-11 years old. If I could go back and do it over, I would probably do the exact same thing and marry my DH all over again.
Now that being said, I would NEVER advise any of my friends, my SS or my future children to marry someone that already has a child. It takes away so much time and energy and emotions out of the relationship between you and you SO; at times its hard to find it worth it. My first year of marriage was spent battling it out in court with BM over visitation, with her disappearing for months at a time, and us trying to scrounge up all the money we needed to fight it. Now, almost 3 years into our relationship (2 into our marriage) things are finally starting to run smoothly; and it feels like i've been doing this for my whole life. I was never a newlywed. I went from being a single college student, getting ready to graduate-- to a stepmom. Its a hard undertaking; and takes a lot of sacrifices to make us work as a family. Since I can't disengage (by choice), my life revolves around making sure our scheduling works out to be the best for my SS3; including turning down jobs, sacrificing finances, vacations, and having my own child right now.
Be sure these are things you are willing to do if you want to be a happy FAMILY with your SO and his children. There are plenty of women on here who have made it work separating their family, from their husbands previous family; just as there are plenty of women who have had their marriages destroyed by those same things. This man is 14 years older than you, and has 2 children (3 if you count the one that is not really his). How many more children do you think he is going to be willing to have with you someday? How many will you be able to afford once BM#2 does file for CS, and expects you guys to continue supporting her first child? SO is already only a bank to his first child... it could easily continue.
Now as for what your SO should do, he should have been in court the day mom decided to move into a hotel instead of getting a new place to get emergency custody of the 2 year old. But since he DIDNT do that, he is obviously not that concerned. By NOT having a court agreement, he is allowing BM the freedom to do anything she wants-- with ZERO consequences. My SS's BM disappeared for 6 months without consequence because they didn't have a court order for custody yet. Tell your SO to get his ass to court, and get an agreement on paper; then if him and BM are able to work with each other still great.. but at least his ass is covered if she decides to lose her shit and run off someday.
A guy 35, already not one,
A guy 35, already not one, but TWO ex's? hmmm...and you are only 21? Either he's one immature guy for dating a 21yr old or he's so selfish that he doesn't realize he's already lived his "younger years" and will now ROB THEM away from you. Wow, you can't see it. I know. You can't. He has no business being with you. Now if he was a single guy, no baggage, etc...I could say that maybe he's just now maturing, etc...but sorry, he has kids already...he should've matured by now...and if he hasn't, then the problems are even bigger.
I'm serious, RUN away as fast
I'm serious, RUN away as fast as you can. There is no way in hell you are prepared to deal with all that is going to come your way because of this guys circumstances. Circumstances that even HE isn't willing to deal with.
The man is showing you who he really is - BELIEVE HIM!!
For the love of God, do NOT see more in him than he has already showed you he is. There is NOTHING MORE THERE!!!
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
My DH and I have a 14 year
My DH and I have a 14 year gap as well.
The issue I see is that you're 21. You haven't really had your young and care-free days yet, he has. Taking on a relationship with someone with this much baggage is hard, its even harder when you're still just barely an adult yourself.
Staying in this relationship means sacrafices. You probably won't be able to do some of the things most people in their early twenties do- cause your SO either won't be able to cause of the kids, or won't want to cause he isn't in that stage of his life anymore. There have been times I've wanted us to go out with friends and we don't because my DH doesn't do the bar scene anymore- he did that in his twenties already.
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Well I wasn't really coming
Well I wasn't really coming here for relationship advice, so thanks anyway... :/
Okay, you weren't coming here
Okay, you weren't coming here for relationship advice. But...will you LISTEN to someone, who at 21 got involved with a 34 year old man with two teenage sons and married him and (other than the fact that I have a WONDERFUL son of my own) regrets every minute of the HELL she went through?
The drama you are dealing with now is only the beginning. There will be more and the situations will be worse. I PROMISE. Please don't find yourself at the age of 48, in a lawyer's office begging her to get you OUT of this any way she can. You get yourself out now.
If you want details darlin, I will give you details that will make the blood running through your veins turn to ice. If what I have been through can save one other person in this world from going through it, I'd be fine with that.
But...I know where you are. I wouldn't listen either. Oh noooooooooo, I was going to make it WORK and we were going to be a *happy family* and walk hand in hand into a fairytale sunset. PUKE!
Why you are dating such
Why you are dating such person who is not your age fellow and I am sure his thinking is beyond your imagination.
Muslim matrimonial
You are so young,don't burden
You are so young,don't burden your future with all this.
Nothing good would happen over time i'm afraid !!!!!!!!!!
I'm interested as to why you
I'm interested as to why you want them with you full-time? Just for their benefit or have you bonded with them well?
I agree it is a lot to take on. I am also 21 though my situation is a little different. My fdh is 23 with a 5 year old. We have been together coming up to 3 years. Bm is a nightmare, ss has been poisoned by her and ignores me most of the time. We have him eowe, I'm not sure I could stand him living with us. If the day comes where he is with us for more time I hope I can deal with it. Despite the hassle my relationship with fdh is worth it all. If ever a day comes where I'm wishing I never got involved I will leave. It's up to you to decide whether its worth it. You have a bigger burden than me. I think you should go slowly. Don't get involved with decisions regarding the kids, enjoy your time alone with your boyfriend.
I want them here full time
I want them here full time because BM at this point in her life is in no way capable of caring for them full time (no house, no job, no car, going to rehab) and if we don't take them they will end up in foster care. And it turns out I got my wish, lol.
News Flash: BM is capable but
News Flash: BM is capable but choose not to care for kids/herself, conveniently leaving it to you & your bf. A variation of this will present itself for as long as you are w/him. Who do you think is glad you came along? Your bf. And after 8 months you would like to have kids all the time? This may be the wrong thing advise, but RUN.
Oh she's definitely not
Oh she's definitely not capable, she's a drug addict. There is absolutely no way I would let his kids, or any kids I was aware, live with a drug addict if I could prevent it from happening.
Listen!! Please do NOT
Listen!! Please do NOT interpret "you are so young...run!" to mean that you are a baby or are in need of relationship advice. You were clear that you do not want advice.
It's a knee-jerk reaction for SMs who have been at this for a long time to tell you that "YOU CAN STILL CHOOSE A BETTER LIFE!!' That's all it means when some of us tell you that you are so young.
We know what you are in for...and it is one of the most difficult paths you will ever choose. Just please take the stories in and imagine that you are living them. Do that without the notion that "OMG, my life won't be THAT way."
Rest assured, it WILL be.