its a tough age, i had]ve a ss16 and ive been told by our counsellor not to take it personally. They are hurtful, they are rude, lazy, self centered etc etc. She told me to pretend im in a phonbox and let all the hurtful stuff bounce off me, my dh can, i cant - it really hurts. The mutterings the looks the hateful comments etc that your partner just doesnt quite pick up on as they are manipulative little shits. It probly best is to ignore, thats my attitude now, im over being nice and getting shit in return, he can go feck himself!!! my advice say yes dear, ignore and let her deal with it as it gets worse!!!

I doubt it's 100% the other person's fault. It almost never is. She's a teen, and, well... teens can really suck.

And... it doesn't "end" at 18. Unfortunately.

I would try to get some counseling for you, your wife and SD. Your wife is bonded to her in a way you're not so you need to be careful that wife doesn't end up picking her over you some day if this continues.
I was in the same situation for 5 yrs living with my BF. His daughter had a daughter and lived with us part time. She was lazy, selfish, manipulative and a poor parent and when they were there we all had to tolerate her poor mothering skills. Even though everyone was uncomfortable around her including her own brothers, her dad, my BF, defended her. He just used to say "yep, she's immature and she's broken my heart in many ways, but she's my daughter". He didn't take steps to assure that she be responsible in our home.
I tried ignoring but it created more tension. Eventually I was asked to move out, which I have been for a month now, and he claims his BD is a changed person because I am no longer there. Of course,,,,her dad doesn't make her be responsible,,,,I was trying to do that so I could be comfortable in my own home, which I have a right to be, eventually over time, I was the thorn and out I went.
Tread carefully with this one if you love your wife and want your marriage to last. Blood is thicker than water and some partners priorities are not their spouses when it comes to biological children...
Some family counseling for the 3 of you could help to save your marriage and come to some kind of truce with SD. Good Luck.

hello thebadguy, im thebadgirl.
i could have written EXACTLY the same post..im sure i did! my SD is 12. i also describe her as having a dark cloud over her, i use the same words!!!!. she walks in and the light goes out of the room. and DH says things like "she knows you don’t like her, that is why" he forgets that for the last 7 years i was all smiles and care and attention to little cloud and the cloud was still there. it was because of the dark cloud that i decided to disengage, i could not deal with the bad attitude and bad vibe from her towards the family and me in particular. so in my case it is very clear what came first, the chicken or the egg!! but STILL he will defend her and blame me. There is no logic, or common sense that will work with DH, if you say something about SD it will never be her fault, there HAS to be another explanation, and it is usually ME!
im in the exact same place as you. she is dark and manipulative, dad is in the palm of her hand, she does things, he makes excuses. She lies, he protects her. i think that given her attitude and the little guidance she gets from DH, we will have a big problem in our hands for the next many years of teenage hood
he will always pick her over me. that is clear. if i dont find a way to accept that he wants to be manipulated and that she will always own him, i better pack my stuff because sooner or later, i will get blamed from bigger and bigger things she does and it will eventually be my fault if she is unhappy, depressed, pregnant, doing drugs or runs away (i keep praying for this one
this is what im doing: im ignoring all the stuff that i can ignore, im standing up for things that are direct disrespect or when my things show up broken.
if none of my stuff is touched and she does not directly disrespect me, i pretend she doesn’t exist or that she is the neighbor daughter that stopped by to say hi...the rest of the time I’m doing my things, my life, my work, my biokid...this works for a while but it is slowly eating up at my relationship with DH...and I think eventually will destroy my family, but I don’t know what else to do, I tried everything for 7 years, my forehead is bruised from hitting my head against the wall 

With all due respect, you are coming across like the most important thing is you winning the battle. Now, you probably will win the battle, but you may lose the war. In other words with the attitude of winning you may end up with a divorce in your future. If I may say so, I would try to be a little more open minded & talk to your wife about ways to work together to make the daughter feel accepted & wanted. Teenage girls can be a real challenge to raise even under the best of circumstances & being a step parent does not fall into that category. The best thing I can say to you, is to open up the communication lines & keep trying & refuse to give up. Your wife will respect you for that. Good luck!

Well I wish I heard more than a who is right vs who is wrong here. Its deeper than that no matter how a person looks at it. I tried to for warn you that you are setting yourself up to win but lose the war. A 14 year old should not feel like competition for you & if she does, I feel really sorry for you. You are not alone & I have been on both sides of the fence here too. My 14 year old SD not only tried to kill my mother & I both but also laughed at her when she cried after her 32 year old son (my brother) died in a house fire... It was my mothers house too. I understand how a 14 year old can seem cruel so please don't sell me short on that!

To be honest, your post struck me personal. I at the age of 14 myself had a step dad that sounded much like yourself. I'm still trying to give you benefit of doubt here but please help me do so. My step dad was all about being right & in the end, he lost his wife (my mother). She is alive but I can tell you that any woman in the right mind will choose their birth child over any man any day. Unless you married someone who is not all there. I have a heart for step dads..step parents for that matter & you sounded like a jerk when you posted that it is 100% her fault. If I have not already lost your attention (listening ear), I would like to bring to your attention that your SD most likely feels the same hatred that you are feeling. We know when our step dads hate us & are on a power trip. Truth is, you should swallow your pride long enough to learn that she is only 14 & stupid so to speak. It is a confusing age & especially for a 14 year old.

I would like to be nice & leave it at that instead of telling you how I feel which is that you sadly have your head up your ass & are doomed. I even had my husband read your post just to make sure I was not being a bitch but he too said that you have your head stuck far up your ass if you think its about being right.

On this note, yes I feel extremely sorry for you & hope you can find some happiness somewhere in life. Thank you sir for sharing & best wishes to you.

I feel ya!! SS is 18 in two days. He does nothing but try to cause problems and drama between my husband and I. I don't think he will move out soon, since he refuses to get a job; but says he isn't moving with us if we move to another state. So I am trying desperately to find a job in the state we want to live in. The sooner, the better! But all I have done for the last three years is countdown and try to outlast him, because my husband is a wonderful man and we have a great relationship together. So I don't want to lose that. But there are days when I wonder if it's worth it. I am slowly losing the love for my husband because of the stress and how he fails to handle things at times. I have been in this kids life for 10 years now (since he was 8). It's been crazy. Most of the time I just ignore that he even exists. I am a good person and a great mom. But this kid has a buttload of emotional problems from his crazy BM and a dad whose main priority has been to make sure his son wants to live with him. They both have spent the last 9 years catering to this kid so that he likes them best. So it has been hell for me if I did anything (called him out on something he did wrong, etc) that upset him and made him want to live with his mother (or just say he want to, in order to get his dad mad at me). We went to a family counselor about 3 years ago and she looked at me in front of my husband and said, "I don't know why you aren't running through the streets screaming in the rain. Why are you still there? Why haven't you left yet?" Yep! Even the counselor feels sorry for me. She says the SS blames EVERYTHING on me. Even when his SD hits him at his mom's house, it is somehow my fault. Now SS wants to go talk to the counselor to complain about me. So dad is spending $$$ so his kid can complain about me to the counselor. Really??? This should be fun!