I don't think you're being too sensitive. I think DH just has this picture in his head of one big happy family, and when it's pointed out that this fantasy is ludicrous he gets mad/upset.

Often these parents are blinded to the outstanding obviously STUPID decisions their kids make about their lives.
Him: "At least she didn't have an abortion...." You: "What the hell is she doing having a baby the state has to support?"
Him: "Stop it! She has a job!" You: "Yup, a job that is illegal in most of the USA! I would like to see her use those horticultural skills in Nebraska."

I wouild let him rock on to CO. When he rambles on about his grandson (and men are funny about leaving their genetic thread) just let it go. Sure, he is playing right into her hands. But i learnt long ago that these men cannot shut their mouths to save themselves. BUT by listening and making inoccuous remarks like "That's nice/ Really? Interesting." he cannot accuse you of not being interested. Although you could remind him that as his daughter has excluded you from her family (Thank God!) it is a little like you telling him stories about your neighbours when you were a child, people he has never met or known. "But honey, this is part of who you are so tell me more."

I would feign moderate interest so the 'exclusive Daddy/Daughter Club" isn't so secretive and special. Your DH will go on and on about it while his daughter thinks you are out in the cold. And eventually she will HAVE to talk to you and you can say "Yes, your father told me ab out that a couple of years ago." SMACKDOWN! I love it when your 'goodness' pays off }:)

I think I'll come at it from a different viewpoint, and say that you be a tad oversensitive on this. You have to remember, now matter how the grandson came into the world or whether the SD is a bitch or not, it's still his grandson. Just like most grandparents, I'm sure your DH is proud to be a grandpa. I don't think he was trying to rub anything in your face or make you feel bad. If you are not wanting anything at all to do with the kid, don't want to see pictures of him, don't want to be in his life at all, then it's okay for him to say "my grandson". When you say that you don't want to hear anything about the kid, you're making it so he can't share that part of his life or happiness with you. I think there are bigger things than this, and as step-parents we all have to pick and choose our battles.

I too have grandkids and I am not biologically related to any of them. Regardless of how I feel about my lazy SD's all having kids too early, I know how happy it makes DW to be able to see the grandkids and it does make me happy to see DW be happy. Also I feel like maybe I have a chance to be a good influence on these grandkids so they don't make the same stupid mistakes (like dropping out of high school) the way their parents did.

Ok, not to ruffle any feathers here, but working for a pot grower is not bad. Colorado legalized it and their economy is wonderful as a result (not to mention lower crime rate). Pot dispensaries are the future, like it not. I'm guessing you've never tried it, judging by your attitude. Anywho, back to my point, you aren't being too sensitive about being treated like crap by skid.

bullshit on the too sensitive part.

Hurting you emotionally is just as bad as hurting you physically.

No you are not being to sensitive. Your husband is leaving you to go and visit his daughter, and he knows damn well you are not welcome there. The fact that he goes and you accept that should be good enough for him and his daughter, but it is wrong, he should not do it, he should have taught his daughter you are his wife and she needs to treat you with respect. He failed to do that, and you have accepted he will go off and visit her. Enough. Telling you about the wonderful cute grandchild that HE has, the grandchild whose life you are not welcome in, is insensitive on his part.

Why not ask him to tell his daughter to make sure her BF is not around when he comes to visit as he does not want him in his life and see how well that goes down with his precious daughter. Let's see how accepting she is of her father excluding her BF from his life.

Frustrated Stepdad

It is one thing to be accepted as part of the family and be welcomed into the grandchild's life. My husband is technically a step grandparent to my grandchildren and you would never know it. As soon as they could talk he was called pa. These kids love their pa and my children encourage that. My SD however, has made it clear I am not welcome in her life, she wants no part of mine, and when her daughter was born told DH if you want to see this child, leave your wife.

Until you have been excluded this way, you cannot really understand how much it hurts. I did so much for SD and wanted so much for my DH to have a relationship with his children and grandchildren, but SD was not having any of it. Now, my DH did not leave me as demanded and does not see his grandchildren, how good is this for everyone, but SD's can and will do this, particularly spoilt ones who have never heard the word no unless it came out of their own mouths.

Some men need to learn how to be husbands AND fathers, that there is no need to choose, but some men cannot work that out they feel the need to put one of these relatinships above the other, when you put another woman above your wife, expect trouble with the wife. Some daughters need to learn that they are their father's daughters, not the wife, and that when they go out meet and marry a man, he is their husband, the primary man in their life, and they need to stop expecting daddy to be husband no: 1 and SO husband no:2. Some daughters need to grow up.

Try and see it from the perspective of the OP. If you can put yourself in her position, or indeed mine. You are supportive, you buy gifts, you help whenever you are asked to, and you respect boundaries, then along comes your DW's grandkids and her children say, you are not welcome, you are not to be part of this childs life, and indeed if DW want to see them she has to leave you. Would you be so understanding then if DW was wanting to share all the milestones and joy of being a grandparent with you when she knows full well you are not welcome in her family or in her grandchilds life.

This is not about spoiling his grandpa time, it is about him expecting her to be thrilled for him,, to support him as a new grandfather and to want to listen to all the cute bits, while she has to sit at home alone whenever he visits because he has allowed his children to exclude her and do not want her to have anything to do with the child. You say you hope to be a good influence in the lives of DW's grandkids, so it sounds as if you like my own husband have not been treated as an unwelcome stranger, someone who is not allowed near the precious grandchild. When you are cast as an outsider in what should be your family and your husband allows it and participates in it by his silence and his failure to support you. IT HURTS.

This is not about the SD or the grandchild it is about her husbands betrayal and lack of support, it is about her husband being a father first and a husband second. His daughter I am sure would not put her father before her husband and she would not allow her father to treat her husband as an outsider either, woman usually do not do this, and your wife has clearly not encouraged her children to exclude you, so often men put their daughters first and in this case he has done that. He has allowed his wife to be excluded.

and to answer your question -- no you're not being overly sensitive. i would be hurt also. I, too, am in a similar situation and I really don't want to hear about my husband's grandson, or how the visits went or how cute he is, or how wonderful it was -- it all hurts! it hurts when I hear the other skids tell me how cute he is, blah blah blah because I am not welcome over at her house and not welcome to be there to meet the new baby - she won't let me around him. i got an email from one of her friends the other day (from SD22) telling me what a terrible person I was and how I treat SD22 like dirt. Basically I told her not to judge unless she has the whole story -- this "friend" of hers had an affair with a friend of mine's husband -- so her "friend' is not in a position to "judge" me on what a terrible person I am or not -- i said so in not so many words in my email back. Kinda felt good to get a little dig in, without really saying it and calling a spade a spade. }:)

Hi secondwife64. I hear ya. I was also the target of a concerted Relational Aggression attack from an envious adult SD and her equally envious and manipulative mother. I too learned a lot about this abusive covert behaviour and how often social shunning is the weapon of choice among females.

Males also use this tactic and are easily recruited to join forces with the “in group” against the victim, especially when they are manipulated into believing they are protecting sweet little innocent daughter, sister, mother, etc. from a rapacious, heartless SM.

Everyone in the hate group looks for reasons to hate and if they can’t find enough real ones then they fabricate reasons why the victim deserves the attack, thereby adding insult to injury. When confronted with evidence of their shameful, aggressive behaviour they will deny, deny, deny. Then say something like, “Oh I really like her. I don’t know what is wrong with her.” A myopic husband firmly in denial will take that last statement as a fact and refuses to see the truth that his wife is being viciously attacked indirectly.

Men and women are equally “sensitive” to such behind the back social attacks. So when your husband tells you, you are overly sensitive it is because he doesn’t understand it, because it has never happened to him. When someone engages an RA campaign on him he will feel exactly the same way you feel. Moreover he likely doesn’t want to understand it, because it sheds a very poor light on the aggressors. Much preferable to believe you are a faulty person than to see the fact that his sweet lil girl is nothing remotely approaching sweet. That does nothing to endear a wife to her husband, which is exactly what the biatches hope for.

One of the best books I read on the subject is “Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman” by Phyllis Chesler. She identifies the variety of ways and vicious emotional tactics (RA) women use to coerce each other. As she said, (being the target of RA) “It’s like having your entire family get wiped out, only they’re still alive, and seeing each other. You’re the one who’s really been wiped out.”

I agree the best tactic against RA is to get it out in the open because these aggressive rivals are relying on your silence and humiliation. There is no shame in being the target of a bully, but there is a helluva lot of shame in being a bully.

That is the best message we can keep delivering to women is not to keep quiet while you are being victimized by vicious gossip, emotional blackmail and socially shunning for no reason other than you married a man who was married before, even though it was his EX who demanded to divorce years before your arrival. Fact is, they are envious as hell, and they will deny that fact forever. And envy seeks to destroy.

Your husband would do well to open up his eyes and see what is really going on. Do not let this destroy your self-esteem. Of course you would love to be part of your stepgrandson’s life but the fact is there are more than a few evil women/men standing in the way, and making sure that will never happen and then making it look like it’s your fault and your own doing, not the truth which is they manipulated it that way. SD does have the right to decide who will or will not see her child, but she does not have the right to lie about the reasons why.

Thank you NoDoormat.....all I was saying is it's a good field to get into and it pays well from what I understand, personal politics aside. :? Jeez.
Sweeping statements? WTH? Claws in. I meant no harm.

My husband visits his grandkids 3-4+ times a year by himself. They're his grandkids. As much as I wish things were different, I have to accept this is how things are going to be. DH doesn't talk much about them to me much, his kids call him directly and only when he's not at home, so I'm totally out of the loop. When we have family gatherings with his extended families, he talks about the grandkids, his kids, etc at nausium and it really bothers me because I haven't a clue about any of it.

DH did try to insist they include me but that just led to him being estranged from them for years. DH's oldest son didn't invite DH to his wedding, so when the grandkids came along.... well.. I don't want to be responsible for him missing out on time with them. I know he resents me too much for the time he missed with his kids already.

StepAside....I LOVED the last two lines of your last comment. So true with so many people. Even some of MY own relatives.