I hope this isn't too long. I'm struggling for answers on this topic.

So I've been involved with a 40 year old woman with three kids going through a divorce. When we met ten months ago she seemed like a dream come true. Beautiful, a great mom and seemingly ready to move on from her marriage. Granted, she wasn't divorced yet, but she said things were amicable, they had an agreement and it was just a matter of getting the paperwork done.

She said she had been separated for more than a year. At the time we met she lived down the block from her "ex" who lived in a mansion while she lived in a nice townhome. I met her husband who seemed nice enough even though our first meeting was when he walked right in her door. I figured it was just some boundary issues since she had not been dating. I've been through a divorce myself and I had an open mind.

But when she described the marriage she told me several horror stories about him including severe control issues, cheating, emotional abuse, him threatening to plant drugs on her, him threatening to plant drugs on a guy she dated, one time staging a robbery at her house using some friends, after they separated, where he terrified the kids and her and used this to try to convince her he was the only person who could protect her and used this to have sex with her. She also was convinced he had FBI agents following her around. But again, divorce is crazy times so I figured well she's putting a terrible time behind her.

Soon after we started datig they had a huge blowout where he yelled and screamed and broke things and was in a jealous rage where the kids were terrified and the police were almost called. I wasn't there but heard him screaming in te background. First huge red flag. But I figured she probably wanted nothing more than to move on from this. I had a gut feeling this fight was about me, but AGAIN I figured hey, divorce roller coaster.

His daughter also told me that her father told her I would never stick around. He also told his son to treat me badly, which he did, terribly, putting a huge strain on us. He also told her that the kids would hate me when he was done with them. Obviously I started to dislike him very much.

Then he stopped paying child support. After three months or so my gf was evicted and had to move into her mothers small apartment. I physically helped her move . She was very traumatized by this and seemed to want nothing to do w him.

I actually at this time broke up with her. I told her I was losing respect for her and didn't want to, but that he was walking all over her. In addition to withholding support, he was having her chase him around for 100 dollars here and 100 there. She said she wanted to save our relationship, get divorced and went to talk to a new attorney and seemed to start to stick up for herself. But he still would push his will on her with last second changes to the schedule and always having her pick the kids up at his house, etc. Little power plays. Another red flag, and we started to fight about it. I kept saying, "You have options. Do not let him do this to you." He would miss school functions, forget to pick up the kids, etc. Always, she would pick up the pieces. All this time she's telling me she cannot wait to get him out of her life. I told her that he was seriously affecting our relationship.

Anyhow, fast forward six months. Despite this constant issue w her ex, we had become a serious couple and talked about having a future together. He was still playing his games and had convinced her to hold off on attorneys for a huge settlement he was waiting on. He promised to pay her 500k if she was patient. I watched her use quarters to put gas in her car, noticed he bought a new car with cash and was throwing himself parties for over 15k, meanwhile starving her financially. She was meeting him sometimes several times a week to get money. I couldn't believe it, and we continued to fight over it.

She seemed to have unlimited patience for his power games, and didn't seem to see that he was living his lifestyle and starving her. Her kids were forced to sleep on couches at her mothers. It drove me nuts and we broke up several times over it. She always promised she would change things. I loved her and admittedly wanted to believe she would, and kept giving her chances.

Anyhow, my gut was telling me something was wrong. I never looked or snooped through her things, but when using her phone to call my daughter, I noticed several very friendly texts from her ex. They were having conversation like best friends would, and they both were feeding the conversation. Nothing sexual, but it disturbed me given the situation. I talked to her about it and she admitted he was always pulling her into personal conversations and said she would put an end to it. I told her "talk every day if you have to, if it's about the kids", but please, respect us and put up some boundaries. I told her there's obviously a problem with how he treats you and this is not a person who has your best interests. She admitted this was true and said she made a decision to keep it about the kids and be friendly, but not friends. She said this was best for everyone.

Also during this time she started growing distant. She was still having to chase him around for money. One day she was sick, and he came to urgent care to pay her bill. After this she started saying she wasn't sure what she wanted.

I looked at her phone. I saw several months worth of texts, more friendly than the ones I saw before. Dozens and dozens of pictures. Him working out. Her laying on the couch with my dog. Nothing overtly sexual, but just hundreds of text communications where they were both putting energy into the conversation.

Also, I noticed five, sometimes ten phone calls a day. Some ten minutes, some twenty, other's just a few minutes. Obviously I confronted her. It's been a terrible situation since. His life in gf also got involved. Apparently he told HER that he gave her 500k nine months ago to buy a house. Lie. Also told her he sold his Porsche and gave her 50k. Another lie. She also felt insecure about my gf and her access to him. However, HE TOLD HER Amy was a close friend. Also, she had gotten upset when my gf brought some new clothes to his work (apparently he left them in storage), and felt this was disrespectful to her.

I feel betrayed. She finally told me she was codependent on him. Said he was manipulating her about the money. Said when she got sick she felt he was being compassionate and he had grabbed her and told her he was the only one she could count on. She told me she felt he was there for her and I wasn't. She said she felt very attached to him because he was the father of her kids and although she wanted to respect my wishes, she couldn't. Also said when she told him she wanted boundaries he acted as if it was a challenge and kept it up and pulled her back in. She said there was nothing sexual, but that it was not platonic either. Also said she was telling him our relationship problems and he seemed flattered that he was an issue for us. Also said that during one of our fights over him she was with him and the kids and he was consoling her. All while not paying her child support!

For me, after all this blew up, she said she wants to change. This decision came after she told him she again wanted boundaries between them. His response: to create a story for her mother (she had moved to her other home in Ohio)where he lied and told her that I was using her home as a place for me and my kids (not true), that my gf had several animals in the house (not true) and that the place was destroyed (not true). Then he and her mother got on the phone with my gf and emotionally terrorized her for an hour and attempted to get her to accept a ridiculously small divorce settlement. He used this emotional terrorism to break her down, and he leveraged a very dysfunctional relationship with her mother to further break her down.

To end this story, she is begging me to stay. She says she finally sees the truth about this man. She is getting the divorce finalized (although she DID take his tiny offer!) and she is saying she will go to counseling.

I am having a very hard time with this. I feel completely disrespected and lied to. I feel deceived in a very terrible way, because it was about and for a man that has done nothing but meddle in my relationship and has emotionally abused my gf for 15 years.

I feel betrayed that she would let this man back into her life. She says she did not put him first, but that rather she just didn't know how to let go of something so familiar. She said that he was a father figure for her and has managed everything about her life, and she still wanted his approval.

She's swearing she wants to change.

What should I do? I need common sense. I'm in the middle of a tornado.