I lost It!
I've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and feeling quite depressed because my marriage and my current job are basically a complete joke, so today I finally just lost it.
My trigger? Well, after about 6 months of blissfully abbreviated SD visits eow, last weekend H casually mentions that he doesn't like how SD12's visits have become abbreviated due to a weekend swap for BM a while back & would like to go back to the full weekend. At that time he mentioned that he would simply forego last weekend's visit to get back on track, but when he showed up with SD Saturday afternoon anyway I didn't think anything else of it.
Fast forward to this past Wednesday, & during another casual conversation regarding potential weekend plans, H mentions that he has plans to get SD this to get back on track, but before I can even respond, he says instead he'll start packing this weekend (per his plan he confirmed this past Monday to be moved out by the end of this month), so again I didn't think anything else of it.
Bringing us to today, I call H to pick up BS1 from daycare because they called for him to be picked up about 1 hour earlier than normal because he was sick. I called H because he usually does afternoon pick-ups (I do morning drop-offs) but he was busy so I did the pick up. Anyway, on my way home with BS1, I get a call from H saying he's getting ready to go pick up SD12 - well...I just lost it!
Frankly the idea of being stuck with SD12 as an unwanted house guest for 2 weekends in a row sent me over the edge! I started crying and telling H I feel like I'm always holding my breath & I just can't do this anymore and he needs to let this go! Well, that sufficiently freaked H out and without me even having to ask H told SD she couldn't come this weekend. Then I see SD update her FB status about how disappointed she is that she "didn't get to spend the weekend with her Daddy." Well in my opinion she still could, just not in MY house!!!
Ugh! Was I wrong here? I mean, never once did H bother to ASK me if I wanted SD here for 2 weekends in a row! Of course not - he's wasn't the one stuck with cleaning SD12's period blood off the bathroom sink last weekend (in the VERY SPOT where i usually sit BS1 to brush his teeth, & of course that's when i discovered it!) Just thinking of himself as usual!
Yes, I admit that I have no idea what it feels like to be an NCP and not see my children everyday, but I also don't know what it's like to be a CP who ever gets a break from her kids either, & I've definitely never expected someone else to be stuck my children without getting that person's explicit consent FIRST!
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I don't know your entire
I don't know your entire story but it seems he's moving out & it's your house? And he can't pick up his sick bio from daycare but can pick up his other child? And you clean up after her? I am sorry...I remember the days. I cannot imagine not seeing my child all the time either, but I also know I never get a break from my child...CP moms do...also it was not you who made them divorce...they knew it would mean not seeing their child all the time...they made the decision that living with their spouse was not worth seeing their kids every day...that should not be your guilt...not one passed on to you to carry.
PS it should be noted that although BMs and others will claim we knew what we were getting into, many of us were aware of eow visitation or whatever and we cannot complain of things that were there when we met...however, as wives we are entitled to have a say in what changes impact our home...anyone who disagrees needs to stay single or not get divorced in the first place...
And he can't pick up his sick
And he can't pick up his sick bio from daycare but can pick up his other child? And you clean up after her?
Actually it gets even better than than this. So after the boys were ready for bed (a little after 7pm) H went back to work and I have no idea how long he stayed there but when I fell asleep a little after 10pm he still wasn't home yet. Now while I believe that he intentionally stayed at work as late as he could in hopes of me being asleep when he came back so he could avoid discussing the incident, this is not what was interesting about the day. What was interesting, is that I am 100% certain H would've went back to work even if he had picked up SD for the weekend (although he may not have stayed as long) because it would not be the first time he's done this. As a matter of fact, the interesting part is that H has always seemed to find some way to get time for himself on the weekends when SD is visiting, including sometimes working, leaving me stuck at home with 3 kids.
Truth be told, one of the reasons I don't like the weekends when SD visits is because I've never felt more used in all my life than on those weekends! It's already bad enough that H doesn't contribute to the cost of the roof over his own head or feel compelled to overcompensate for that in some other way by taking on the lion's share of household chores or caring for the children (hence the reasons I want a divorce), but instead, when his son lived there full-time and when his daughter was there on the weekends I was solely providing shelter and accommodations for 6 people, half of whom I was not responsible for! H had always been the CP of SS and SS's BM has never paid CS, so somehow providing for SS became my responsibility?! Okay fine, I knew that situation when I married him (although I never thought for one second that H would not contribute his share to providing for himself and his children, or that he would not step it up when BS1 was born!) Now, couple that with the incident in the summer of 2009 where H & SD's BM decided that they didn't want to spend money on childcare for SD, so H insisted that SD (10 at the time) stay home alone in MY home vs. BM's. H basically said his reasons were that he felt MY home was a better place for SD to stay home alone than BM's, but how was I supposed to take that?! Look, I don't disagree that MY home was the better place, but the fact is neither H nor BM were contributing anything to the home that I was providing, so at the end of the day I didn't see choosing MY home as the place SD should stay alone all day as an option, but yet no one even asked me?! Truth is, I think SD deserves the best that her parents can provide for her, nothing more, and nothing less. If BM's home isn't too bad to live in most of the time then it should'nt be too bad for SD to stay alone in all day if her parents don't want to pay for childcare! I don't work hard to provide MY home as SD's childcare center, I have 2 children of my own to provide for!
Anyway, I guess I took the long way of saying that I really have always felt that H thinks of MY house as some sort of escape safe haven for SD from the low-income apartments that BM lives in, and that has been the source of a lot of resentment for me because I feel it is not fair to me since H is not the one providing it and I am providing this for MY children, NOT SD! On top of this, when SD is there H barely spends more than a couple hours with her anyway; instead SD12 spends all of her time in "her" room (i.e. MY guestroom) surfing the internet and posting on Facebook, watching cable television and talking and texting on her cell phone (all UNSUPERVISED of course) while H sleeps. Yet, somehow there never seems to be time for SD to walk to the trash can and throw away a gum wrapper when there's a perfectly good floor to throw things on, and of course H is not the one cleaning up after SD when weekend is over either!
UGH! Honestly I felt that the whole "switching the weekends back" thing only came up now after 6 months of H seeming to be okay with it because H realized that SD might not have MY house to "escape" to much longer since H is moving out soon, so of course Guilty Daddy couldn't resist getting as much spoiling in for SD as he could before the gravy train stops since H knows he will NOT be able to provide the same kind of accommodations when he is footing the bill all by himself!
I know, nothing like a
I know, nothing like a surprise skid visit to send you into orbit. I lose it just knowing the skids are coming over....now I went full blown psycho at Christmas, so DH delivered the gifts to them.
Now, my house is a wreck, Dh is at the bar, so I am just going to sit here and play on steptalk. It gets pretty lonely when your husband doesn't give a flip about you....(i mean me).
I am more concerned about
I am more concerned about this guy not leaving. Does he have a place to go to?
Well, we live in a city in the South that is comparable in size to Indianapolis, IN, but with no pro sports franchises to support, so a lower cost of living. Before moving into my house H stayed in a decent sized two bedroom apartment where he was paying only $550 per month. In addition to this, H only pays SD's BM $200 per month in CS (always has - no court orders for CS or custody/visitation), and since SS is grown & living over 2000 miles away, the money H would be paying me for CS for BS1 (a below guideline agreed-upon amount) might constitute a "wash" (or LESS) in terms of expenses than before. Meanwhile, H got a raise last year and makes a lot more money than he did when he lived in that apartment (as a matter of fact, there was only ~$5k difference in our annual W2 incomes last year - so mine wasn't significantly higher.)
So I guess what I'm saying is I don't believe for one second that H will have any difficultly finding someplace to live. I am convinced that H's resistance to leave has more to do with him dreading how his having to be responsible for himself and his children again will impact the lifestyle he's become accustomed to (one where he has minimal responsibility) than lack of residential options.