Vent on fight with DH

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DH and i are in a huge fight and are on day two of hardly speaking, kissing, interacting at all. Ive been in our room after work and hes in the living room.

It started over money and why he wont find a better job so we can get a better job. He turned ugly even though i was trying to be uplifting and motivating telling him he deserves better. I just want a better life for all of us including his kids. He pissed me off.

Yesterday i sent him a shitty email explaining my side, telling him that ive put up with hell for 6 years being very accomodating to his life and skids showing little regard to my own happiness and im ready to take my life back and the least he can do is see what job offers he can get even if he doesnt take them to see how marketable he is. That he has been secure his whole life, i grew up not secure my whole life growing up and i want a partner that will do it with me. If i have to be miserable in step life i at least want to have a house with the minimums, like a washer and a damn dryer and places to hide and cry in not a tiny apt with 5 people LOL

Then today he was going to close at work and i stepped up. I told him that i will no longer be watching the girls on nights he closes after i get off work and that he will have to have bm pick them up because they accuse me of verbal abuse when no one is here and since no one is here to see my side, everyone believes them. I said i cant risk her calling cps on me and losing my son for some reason and my son comes first so he has to figure it out. He didnt like it, and of course he is having his dad watch them instead which pisses me off because that is exactly what they would want so they will just wish we break up so daddy can move in instead of respecting me. Plus, how does dh expect the girls to have what they need to get ready for school when they start next week? Its stupid, he just avoids all commitments or changes with bm whenever possible and its stupid. Hopefully once she gets wind of this, she steps in and says "no i want them here getting ready with me." Hoping for that.
It would all be fine if he would parent more and not leave any reason for me to step in for them to help or keep them out of trouble but a lot of the time he lets them do whatever like they are roommates until it inconveinences him or shit gets really messy or they are all hitting each other lol

Anyways, im putting my foot down and im telling him what i need if he wants to be with me. Im putting it on his shoulders. I dont like that they will be at my father in laws tho, at all. He spoils! Hopefully dh feels our marriage is worth fighting for. He hasnt gone to work the past two days because hes stressed from this and said he feels like throwing up.. Im not sure if thats a good thing but he did call a friend about a job so hopefully hes trying.

I just dont like how things seem to revert back to how they were. Does anyone have sucess stories about how their marriages turned around? Like these situations?

TIA

If he makes enough to cover

If he makes enough to cover his share of the bills, CS and is happ ywith his job, then you can't push/force him to look for something else.

I'm a teacher. I love what I do. I could make much more money doing other things. However, I would not be happy. If a SO tried to convince me to do a job that would make them happy, I would be livid.

You told him you didn't want to watch his kids. He did the right thing by making other arrangements. It's wrong of you to not only say you're not watching them then turn around and expect to have a say in who does. That screams control freak.

The guy just can't catch a break. It really sounds like you aren't happy or satisfied unless he is doing exactly what you want him to do. He's an adult, not a child.

I understand your thought

I understand your thought process. If you were a step kid and you got to go live at grandpas to be spoiled 2-3x per week every other week and one weekend per month, would you ever start respecting step mom in fear that you would have to have step mom watch you again?
I dont want them to stay away, it looks like i dont want them if they go there. i want to have a good relationship with them. Fun aunt. If they go to moms then its like mom is exercising first right of refusal or they will just be forced to behave differently if they want to come back.

I dont think im making an unvalid point. I told dh if he thinks my ideas are wrong then to suggest something better.

I recently quit being a

I recently quit being a babysitter for SO, same reason as you, fear of 'abuse' accusations. I've already dealt with false accusations, even though BM was exposed as a LIAR, it's still NOT a fun experience, it's extremely stressful. So I do think that if any step parent has alarm bells ringing re/ accusations, they need to make sure they are NEVER alone with the skids. You've done the right thing asking your DH to make other arrangements.

Initially when SO had set up the alternative arrangements, there was resentments on both sides. Although I was thankful that he accepted my concerns and agreed not to have me in a vulnerable position, I did feel that he still wasn't addressing the REASONS for needing other arrangements AND that Nana and Aunt and Uncle all spoil SD and that was half our problem (SD is VERY spoiled and behaves badly when we don't give into her demands).

That was just over 2 months ago. Currently, I no longer have any reservations about SD going to her relatives even though they spoil her, as her family and the fact they don't see her much, it's normal for them to want to spoil her, and well, she behaves for them. I've come to accept that SD can have that THERE, WITH THEM! But when she comes home, SO NEEDS to parent her. And so far he has, mostly because I disengaged and told him I'd move out (my mental health is suffering because of step life, I don't recommend threatening to leave over this one issue) rather then have my kids around her and his 'no rules and no consequences' parenting. Anyway, SD has been GREAT the last 2 visits, she starting to accept the boundaries at our house.

Basically... we asked our men to do something for our protection, they did it, we can't sulk! I understand your concern about SD being MORE spoilt, BUT the key is how your DH parents at home.

If he is that stressed about the work stuff, put a pin in it, leave it for now and address it at a later time. But praise him for reaching out to friend about a job.

Thank you mama duck! All of

Thank you mama duck! All of this very helpful. Im about to have a talk with him and will thank him and im actually apologizing for some things.. Ive lost a part of myself through the years, reaching my breaking point and i think he'll understand that im more tense over the last couple years than before. Everything is coming out in a bad way and im just needing help now. From him i need help

Hey, I totally get it! I've

Hey, I totally get it! I've been there myself, or still there :? trying to work things out myself, I'm learning to be more assertive and fair, more realistic and accountable. This step hell is HARD work. (((Hugs))) don't be too hard on yourself, we (a lot of your post's sound very similar to what I deal with) have been shat on from every direction, including our men with their 'head in sand' attitudes, of course your at breaking point, of course the men then have to deal with dragon lady partners lol it's a process I guess

Yeah im seeing this lol

You can't have total control.

You can't have total control. Compromise is a key factor in marriage. You have to see things from his side, your side and looking as a outsider. He did try to accommodate your wishes...

Just an observation from

Just an observation from reading your blogs, but I get the sense you've outgrown your husband. Kinda like through young rosy colored I'm sooooo in love glasses, yet now as you age and mature more into adulthood, your dreams, goals and expectations have left him behind. Yet he's basically the same guy he has been all along. Suddenly his friends are too old, his job isn't good enough, he doesn't make enough money and doesn't have the same future ambitions you do.

Just something to think about.

Thank you so much! I thought

Thank you so much! I thought i was crazy for a minute. I thought i was following advice i got here but i think i took it too far...
I really never used to be quite this way, but im just at a point where everything is intersecting and im overwhelemd and trying to try different solutions out and failing and i guess im learning still.

I love everything you said, so we basically made baby steps with the job thing which i assured him that while id like to work toward that, we the more important issues involve our happiness together and getting my sanity in check with firming up the boundaries.

I did drop the job thing and the issue of where the girls stay when dh closes. You guys make good points, im mature enough to see that when it is pointed out to me af least and it is clearly a snap reaction in an emotional situation. I wouldnt always assume that because someone says something like this in a post on here that it necessarily defines them as controlling or whatever it may be, just upset as fucckkk lol.

Maybe i should be helping him look for a job... Im actually really good at it i think.

So i tried resolving this, i apologized and really tried to put my feelings aside for a minute to tend to his. He stared at the wall lying on the bed and was blank most of the time in between responding with just anger. He feels like he cant be any other way to me because i am making him out to be like its all his fault my life has been so crappy because "i am the father of my daughters and i am responsible for them." Well yeah you are responsible for them and keeping after them blah blah but he discounted my feelings that ive felt over the last 6 years. That all the fights bm started against me, skid drama, arguments with his family, just a vicious circle, always something crappy chasing me down and he is too passive and low key to stop these forces on his side. He discounted them in a condescending way, by saying i have a low tolerance for stress/emotions or something. Thats when things went bad again like... hes seen me fucked up over a lot of crap. So lots of tears and he didnt really tend to me. But before the end of the fight when i just cried for like 20 mins straight lol, we talked about crap in circles and then i stopped it, summed up what we did so far and that soon we will bring a list of biundaries together and figure out the best way to implement them together and talk to the kids together. And maybe he should talk to the girls alone too.

Yeah so sorry for all that im just venting that part you dont need to respond again if you dont want to. Just an update. I do appreciate your thoughts guys im just doing the best i can, sometimes not the best.

Yeah i realize that now.. We

Yeah i realize that now.. We did also talk about the fact that this wasnt a healthy fight and why etc LOL...
Thank you

I am Sally. I am working full

I am Sally. I am working full time, going to school finishing up a business degree and carrying the responsibilities of 3 children. Do other people do it? Yes. Does it mean its easy? No. Hell no. Especially since i am doing this while battling epilepsy, and that adds to the stress and its also a major accomplishment because of epilepsy generally slowing things down. Never give up hope.

I think we established that i get all of that already though. I took a big step in telling him things i need, now we just need to both learn to communicate better.

Haha Yeah when he was over

Haha
Yeah when he was over there arms crossed acting like hes entitled to be boiling over because i called him out and made him feel like he is the cause of all problems supposedly, i did bring up finances. I said look why dont you try paying the bills for a while? You can see what i spend our money on and how much, and actually realize that its really hard on our pay. We would be better though if we could both just make a combined of like $5 more to start so we can just pay off our debt. Living paycheck to paycheck barely, keeps us from paying on them. When i do i make larger payments, so if those payments went away then that would help us have cash on hand!!! Sorry kinda off topic
But i think at least ill give him half the bills! Maybe i will do the credit cards, he can do everything else, to start.

Well ive sort of let the father in law thing go because im so happy that i will get to spend more quality time with my son!
But, at first... I wouldve rather the girls went to mom because during school she would take care. Sd8 cant comb her hair up to standards always and is okay with playing outside wothout showering and FIL wouldnt notice a difference. Also, i would like for them to take my role more seriously, and with sitaution occuring they may stop manipulating and lying to bm about me so they could come back to dad. I could be wrong tho, they cld just be sad and i dont want that. Maybe bm will get wind they are at fils and pick them up those days. I just think it was a good opportunity for dh to co-parent, approach this head on with bm, i think him askinf her for help and them working together they are more likely to help come up with a solution. FIL is a good man... Just not a good regular care giver. Sd12 is overweight and he still lets her eat junk, multiple servings, its disgusting. I know, not my kid, not my problem. I do care about them and i brought these issues to dh and i get "well you dont have to worry about this anymore nor do you want to so you dont get a say anymore" just immature. Whatever, gave up on it, but showed that i do care about their wellbeing and about fixing the problem. He only cares about his own conveinence in this situation and that is not starting shit with bm. Scared of her? She already knows i dont parent them right thats why im doing this.

Im a great mom to my son, everything comes natural. He raises my self esteem and i think that failing as a step mom over the years has played a part in lowering my self esteem. I think this will help.

If dh and my love language cant get on the same track when we fight, then we might break up eventually. I told him he just discounted the last 6 years of feelings as low threshold of pain while im experiencing one of those moments. Im over here crying and u act ljke u dont care. If he cried, i wld give in and comfort him and hold him, telling him i do love him and we will get theough this. I felt it was important to say that so he can know and he said he didnt think i wanted that treatment. I said sometimes it seems like As close as we are you really dont know me very well.
Sally im sorry to talk your ear off geez... It just feels good to type it out.

Oooohhhh now its turned into

Oooohhhh now its turned into this... The girls found out they get to sleep at papas tonight and my son doesnt and he does a lot.

DS: "why do they get to sleep there and i dont? Can i sleep over tomorrow? I just play video games all alone while you guys get to play with the neighbor kids"

Dh brought me in our room and said " i want to make some ground rules regarding this arrangement. When the girls are over there on these nights, this is not a time for you to take connor out for fun like to the movies, knotts berry farm, mulligans, anywhere where he has fun stories to tell the girls the next day!!!"

Me: " this is bullshit. I wanted you to take them to bms and you decide to take them to disneyland grandpas where they get to play with other kids, go to dinner every night and get whatever they want, they go shopping for clothes, shoes, they could be going to the rollerskating rink, movies like he likes to go to, etc and you expect me to not take my son anywhere???? I can do whatever i want with my son and im telling you that the second i hear they do anything fun, thats when i begin doing the same!"

I cant fucking believe this. I just keep getting the shit end of the stick

Sounds like ye olde double

Sounds like ye olde double standard once again. Yeah we as SMs need to disengage and not be concerned whether or not skids are going someplace to become even MORE entitled than they already are

BUT

On the other hand, so to does DH need to DISENGAGE and not be concerned where YOU take YOUR bioson! Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too! Not cool! Tell him that you are no longer concerned about his kids getting spoiled at FILs so he should not be concerned about the fact that you are taking your son out for a good time. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

If he doesn't see your point then he's a spoiled little child. And please tell me he is covering half the bills outside of any CS he may be paying. Don't get into THAT trap like I did.

StepDrama, you accidentally

StepDrama, you accidentally included your son's name in that post.

As for what your DH said, that is utter CRAP. He get ZERO say in what you do or give to your son at this point. He most especially does NOT get to decide what you can do for your son based on what his daughters get to do!

Honestly, both of you sound a

Honestly, both of you sound a bit out there.

He thinks he should have a say in what you do with your son. NUTS

You're only planning to do fun stuff with your kid if you hear that grandpa did fun stuff with the steps.NUTS

Your son even thinks he is entitled to the same treatment from from your husband's dad as your SKs. :?

Nah i really just said it,

Nah i really just said it, but reality is even if they do fun stuff, i dont plan on doing anything fun over here if it wasnt planned anyway. But if i want to do it with my son and the time is right, im not working, he deserves it then yeah i will take time for quality time.

Yeah maybe nuts... Who isnt. I dont really care what anyone thinks about me, i just want hubby to get a clue and realize this isnt a nuclear family for one

Crap!!!!!

Crap!!!!! :jawdrop:

I appreciate the support on

I appreciate the support on that one guys. That was a shocker to me for sure, the nerve. Im glad i didnt back down. In fact i pulled him back in and said..

"Please dont accuse me of punishing my BS for not sleeping over, that was your decision. I will do whatever i want with my son or we will stay home. He doesnt generally say anything anyway because he doesnt hurt their feelings on purpose. If he did say something, and felt bad because of the stories they tell, im sorry but the reality is that would be your fault. I told you it would be better for them to be with bm but it is ultimately your decision and i will deal with bs. But yes i will need to entertain him myself by spending time with him and chances are i wont play video games and watch cartoons."

"Fine you want me to call bm ill call bm see what happens"

"Okay your choice"

He told the girls he was calling their mom to stay at their moms tonight because he closes and its because they dont listen to me and talk back and leads to an argument. Its hard for sm and we'll be creating more rules soon but until then its best for you to be with your mom tonight and we will figure out the rest later"

They cried because they didnt want to go there "i want to go to fils to play with my friends and skate!"
Dad: "why dont u want to go to your moms?"
Skids: "because i have to do dishes" "because i have to take care of the baby" etc
But she takes them places all the time so its kinda weird, unrelated i know.

He called bm and she will pick them up from fils after work around 3pm. He didnt tell me much, just that shes been trying to muster up the courage to talk to me about this email i sent her back in april. It was after a weekend i had to think about a fight she and i had through text about her accusing me of abuse because she thought i wouldnt let sd12 curl her own hair for a wedding, and sd12 also said i told her throw away her recently deceased grandmothers last gift to her away, a necklace that i picked up off the ground. False. I kept it in my purse and it got tangled, i gave it to her tangled and she flipped out and was pissed and i said "would you rather it be gone forever or untangle it?" Spun it into something totally different and both of those things happened within two days and bm freaked on me.
My email after the weekend tho was really nice, mature and constructive but long and honest. As a mom i feel like we have to be mature and allow things to roll of your back and take a step back and be accountable for your mistakes.
I did mention i wanted her help multiple times through the years so maybe thats why she never responded to the email and wanted to wait until she could talk in person..

She talks a lot though. Way more than i ever do so hope shes mature about it all.

Sigh about everything..

Just wanted to give you Kudos

Just wanted to give you Kudos for refusing to be alone with skids who accuse you of abuse, not tolerating the double standard with your bio son, college, working and all you're doing. I've lived in apartments with a butt load of kids, no yard, having to share laundry facilities etc. Miserable and crappy but thankfully those times are over. Have you and DH ever looked into Housing for Humanity or similar programs that help low income families move into their own home? With a full house and a disability you would definitely qualify. Perhaps FIL could do something useful with his $$$ instead of spoiling the grands and pitch in for a down payment.

Best to you in your endeavors.

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