Too much contact with the ex?
Hello ladies (and gents)!
I am longtime a lurker of ST but have never posted before so my cherry has officially been popped. Yay! 
Anyhow, just a few words to thank you all for your words of wisdom, your opinions & your wittiness. While all these words were never directed to me, they are words in which i was able to easily apply to my own situation & issues. So thank you, thank you, thank you!
A quick little backround on me: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years & moved in together last year. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship (lasted 17 years) in which he shares 50/50 custody with his ex. He has 2 boys, ages 9 & 15.
I'm in my mid-thirties and am childless.
Please don't rip me apart for what i am to confess. Actually, allow me to give you a little backround first. I have had NUMEROUS talks with my boyfriend about the amount of contact he has with his ex. I honestly feel it's excessive (daily and on occasion, every other day). My boyfriend agreed that she usually texted about nonsense (although it mostly did have to do with the kids) and I can take it a step further & tell you that it really wasn't necessary because she would see my bf 15 days of the month by default since she came to pick up their younger son at our place to drive him to school on the days my boyfriend had him. His school is 2 mins away from her place of work. Still, she would call & text about trivial stuff. He claimed he only texted back when it was urgent or required an immediate response. Anyways, it got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I told him something had to be done. My bf claimed he had a talk with her but told me immediately afterwards that he wasn't sure he got through to her. To me, that meant he must've not been very firm with her. He also claimed that he wasn't sure that he'd get through to her because it was just in her nature to talk a lot & because she's so scatterbrained, she just texts about anything when it pops into her mind. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Oh and by the way, she IS in a relationship with someone. She got into a relationship around the same time I did with my bf.
Anyhow, BM bought SS15 a new phone for xmas. I figured that might help lessen the contact with my bf and i thought I was right...until yesterday. BM usually texted SS15 first to see if he (and SS9) were free to chat (this is on a daily basis but it's direct contact with the kids so i don't have an issue with that) and they'd call her. Sometimes, she would still ask to speak with my bf once she was done with the kids. Since SS15 getting his phone, i asked bf if he found BM was contacting him less & he said yes....that she usually went through SS15 when wanting to speak to them & she doesn't really text my bf that much anymore.
Now, here's where my confession comes in..
My bf ALWAYS carries his phone with him. He never leaves it unattended. Even if he goes to the bathroom for 2 mins, it's with him in his pocket. Anyhow, yesterday morning while he was in the shower, i had gone into the bedroom and saw his phone on his bed. Eureka! I couldn't believe he had left it behind. I'm sure he didn't think i'd return to the bedroom seeing as he left me downstairs before he went to shower. So i quickly turned on his phone (no password thankfully) and went straight to his text messages. Sweet Jesus i could not even begin to tell you how many texts I saw from BM. I couldn't even count them all cause i was just so overwhelmed at how many there were. And the beauty of it is that they were all received within a 24 hour period.
I quickly checked the outbox and saw that my bf texted her back 5 times.
I really didn't have much time at all to actually read the messages but the few in which i did, were ALL trivial stuff (i would say i opened about 6 out of about 25-30).
The texts of course were stuff like, "oh i told SS15 to take his bike and explore our surroundings (BM just moved into a new home with her boyfriend), or "i am paying ss15 x amount of dollars to mow my lawn cause it's a big lot" or "SS15 wants to invite female friend over & i can't wait to meet her!".
I know there is nothing going on between the 2 of them and i never questioned that. He obviously lied to me and i know he lied to me because he knows that if i knew she was still contacting him for non-important stuff, I'd flip my lid with him and I know he doesn't want to get into it with me. Not again.
So tell me ladies, am I insane in thinking this is excessive? Honestly, i feel as though it's like they're still together, minus the sex. Isn't the play-by-play of the kids lives something you have to give up once you split up? MOST ESPECIALLY when you're in a relationship with someone new?
Am i being unreasonable here?? I don't have kids of my own so please, enlighten me! I just find it incredibly disrespectful to me (his "new" relationship) to carry on as though nothing changes once you do get into a new relationship. I feel like voicing my opinions on the matter is useless. He is obviously dismissing or minimizing how i feel about the entire situation since it's still going on. I don't know how to approach the topic now since i would obviously have to confess that I snooped in his phone.
Any insight would be much appreciated.
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Comments
You'll probably hear from a
You'll probably hear from a certain poster that you are "jealous."
Another poster will probably tell you "Run! And don't have babies with him - leave before that happens and you're trapped for life!!"
I say your SO has sloppy boundaries with his ex which are disrespectful to you and he is enabling her to remain codependent on him.
Your SO needs to decide which relationship he values more: yours or hers and behave in away that is consistent with his choice. Anything less will be the death of your relationship in the long run. JMHO.
LOL! I'm with Tabby on this
LOL! I'm with Tabby on this one.
I will say, something prompted you to go through his phone. He lied to you. I'm sure that he lied to you with the justification to "keep the peace" or avoid conflict but there are some trust issues that definitely need addressed and some proper boundaries that need put in place. My recommendation depending on how much of a hill this is to die on, would be to ask your BF to go to once a day email communication. Just a quick update every night from whomever the child is with and all other communication be reserved for emergencies only.
"I say your SO has sloppy
"I say your SO has sloppy boundaries with his ex which are disrespectful to you and he is enabling her to remain codependent on him.
Your SO needs to decide which relationship he values more: yours or hers and behave in away that is consistent with his choice. Anything less will be the death of your relationship in the long run. JMHO."
I agree with the above.
I am at the point in my relationship that I have told my dh that there are no if, ands or, buts. I will go through his phone, facebook, and emails. I will also check the phone bills and will question if there are anyn deleted calls or texts. If he has nothing to hide, then he shouldn't care. (I of course have shared all of my passwords and my phone is accessible for his viewing pleasure. Because I have absolutely nothing to hide.)
I am a jealous girl, and he knows that. }:)
I know that co-parenting is a
I know that co-parenting is a joint effort and that contact is necessary for the purpose of raising children, however there is something called boundaries and it starts with respect.
My ex and I were very close and had a great friendship. We both had to create distance between each other for the sake of our new relationships and moving on. Because we both loved and respected each other, it really wasn't a problem and we both understood that this is how it has to be. The relationship had to evolve in order for both of us to move on.
The excessive random texts would bother me too and him lying about it would really tick me off. He obviously doesnt mind the play by play's and has no issue with the constant uncessary contact. You are the one that has a problem with it so to him its just not that serious. Thats the first problem. Looks like he puts more value into his co-parenting issue than to your relationship. Or he could be like most men, non-confrontational and do not want to rock the boat. Either way, it is your responsibility to remind him that its a problem and you want it addressed. Its not your job to address the problem with her, its his job to respect you and establish healthy boundaries.
Believe me, I've dealt with this before and the co-dependent relationship with the ex is NOT COOL. I'm a mother and got a long great w/my ex and we were not co-dependent on each other like that at all. So I believe it is possible to establish healthy boundaries and if they both respect each other than it shouldnt be a problem.
his kids are too old for this
his kids are too old for this type of "friendly" communication with his ex. who gives a rat's ass how much she paid ss? who cares you went through his phone? my dh can go through mine ANY TIME. those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. he keeps that phone on him because he KNOWS he lied to you and he knows all that contact upsets you. blow the lid of his lies. he either ceases all the communication AND keeps his phone available to you or he can kiss your ass goodbye. you don't need this. I would NEVER consider taking this relationship to the next level with this going on. you wouldn't accept this from a woman from his office. his relationship with his ex should be STRICTLY business. his ex is still dependant on him emotionally. some men have to be forced to break that final emotional connection by their new loves because they usually do not do it on their own. and, they lying concerns me more than the actual communication. call his ass out on it. if he'll lie about the little things to "keep the peace", lord knows what else he'll lie about.
It is excessive, you are not
It is excessive, you are not nuts, you're BF is still emotionally attached to BM, and people who have nothing to hide, don't lie, and lastly but not leastly, your BF is OBVISOULY more concerned with not rocking the boat with BM, than he is concerned about rocking the boat with you.
BM2 used to do this crap with DH (not quite to the extent that your BF is) but she would call him for stuff that didn't even apply to SS, like "hey, do you have a sec? I need help filling out this job application" or "Hey, would it be OK if me and my BF borrowed your truck to move some stuff?" I was like WTF DH? does she not have a sister, mother, father, brother, BF, friend she can ask this stuff??? Why the fuck is she calling YOU??
I finally got pissed and told DH (who was BF at the time) that he made it perfectly clear that I was always going to be second to BM2, who mind you, he claimed to hate and that I would go on my merry way before I will ever be second to another woman. Thankfully my DH was mortified that I felt that way, and I think it made him see how intrusive he was actually LETTING her be and he took steps to tone her down. Now with that said, it was a process, a slow one at that. But I can say he rarely speaks to BM2 now... like once every couple of months or even less! It's wonderful, but was along time coming, so if you demand change, don't expect it to happen overnight.
However, the lying? I would have HUGE issue with that and it would be very difficult for ME to continue in a relationship with that person.
Your SO needs to be honest
Your SO needs to be honest with you.
It isn't the contact but the fact that you have to wonder what's going on.
My XH and I usually text every day. We also share 50/50 custody and are very hands on parents. We have sport schedules and learning disabilities with one child along with the fact that he travels for work and that's how he knows what's happening.
But I am also open with my SO and don't hide anything. Divorce doesn't mean that the non-custodial parent no longer has knowledge of their children's daily activities. I feel like the kids still get to have two active parents, they didn't choose to divorce the adults did.
I think you want to avoid any
I think you want to avoid any flak for going through his phone. Maybe you could say to him, at dinner maybe, "Hey, I've been feeling uncomfortable lately. I notice you always have your phone with you and are on it a lot. I'd like to see what you're up to because of how things were with BM. Can I see your phone now?"
And see how he responds.
But, tbh, I probably would accept any heat for secretly going through his phone in order to get down to business with him.
I'd say, "Gee, yesterday while you were in the shower I had to come back to our room to grab something and saw your phone. For some reason, I decided to check out how much communication you have with BM. I was really surprised to find out that you guys talk so much. Especially since you told me you don't anymore. What's going on?"
And listen. At this point, I wouldn't even try to share my views, feelings, opinions, anything with him. I'd just be an observer. Try to find out what's going on in his mind. And decide if I'm ok with that, before I invest one more moment of love in him.
I would do what Ripley
I would do what Ripley said...
this is too much contact! My psych calls it 'enmeshment' they are still enmeshed if they are texting and contacting each other for those kind of things, at least she is. Our BM does that to some extent, but she is better than she used to be. I thought once the kids got in HS, they could tell their dad about plans, school, etc, no they didn't because they knew their mom 'wanted' to do it, that way she could keep in contact. They are now 20 and 25 and BM still informs my SO 'what the girls are thinking, how the girls feel'. He has learned that what BM says is not necessarily the way they are feeling or thinking, so he just ignores her and most of the time never texts back.
I'm not sure that your DH
I'm not sure that your DH should be applauded for responding "only" 5 times to 25 or more texts in a single day. There is no doubt in my mind that BM is still getting gratification from this.
I'm going to dork out for a second here, so please everyone excuse me (or just stop reading) but there were experiments done on animals to see what sorts of rewards they were most likely to respond to. And it turns out, getting a reward at random intervals for doing something is much more likely to promote that behavior than getting a reward every time you do that. Think of people playing a slot machine.
Anyway, applying this to BM, the behavior is texting your DH, and reward she gets is a response from him. As long as he responds to her inane BS *some* of the time, she's going to keep doing it. The only way to get her to stop is for him to NEVER respond to BS, only to relevant important stuff. Even then it'll probably take her awhile...
First and foremost, allow me
First and foremost, allow me to apologize for my use of the word "eureka" in my original post. Who the hell ever says that? lol
So it looks like I'M the big winner in terms of being a dork, "isthisforme123".
Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my blog. I truly & wholeheartedly appreciate it. You guys are awesome. Really.
I will call him out on it. I really think I need to. "Askyourdad" asked me if this is a hill to die on and truthfully, it is. It is because this is ONE of many issues in which his loyalty seems to lie with someone else. My bf seems to care way more about keeping other people happy than me.
This is a fact. He doesn't want to rock the boat with his kids & ex so no matter how much I voice my concerns & opinions, he has not yet changed anything at all. There are no boundaries, no rules, no nothing under our roof. The kids do zero chores (unless money is offered and even at that, they usually say no). Anyways, that's a whole other blog but my point is that if i look at the big picture, anything & everything that i have ever voiced to him (and it's always the same stuff over & over again), has been dismissed. My bf will say "yes, yes, you're right" yet everything always remains the same. Why piss off his ex and be firm with her when he could just hide the texts from me & avoid having that convo with her? Why piss off his kids & have them put their dishes in a dishwasher? Isn't it just easier for bf to put their plates in the dishwasher for them so that they will continue to want to come over to Dad's fun house?
As for the comment about corresponding through email, my bf shot me down long ago with regards to that. He doesn't check his emails regularly (and i'm guessing it's too much work to start) & apparently his ex lives in the stone ages & doesn't use email. Always excuses. I'm at my wits end with everything. Seriously.
I completely agree with what
I completely agree with what DaizyDuke said above - her reply above was SPOT.ON!!!!
First of all, 20-25 texts in 1 day from the ex is TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!!!!
Secondly, "only" 5-6 replies from your DH to her is almost as bad.
This needs to stop NOW. He's definitely of the mindset that it's easier to piss YOU OFF than to rock the boat and change things with BM. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!
I went through this during the first 1-2 years of my relationship with DH (then BF). I had to put my foot down and HARD about it. It took awhile, but he FINALLY got it - and just let all of her calls go to voicemail and NEVER responded to her.
Everything with BM should be treated "business-like" - it should be IN WRITING and as "professional sounding" as possible.
Good luck! Hope this helps!