Should I stay or should I go?
This is my first time posting to this forum. I was doing some investigating online about my situation and came across this website. I need some advice about the situation I have gotten myself into. Here's some background:
I have two daughters (12 and 10)who live out of state with their BM. They come to visit during their school breaks and for most of the summer. My GF and I have been dating just over three years. She has a 14year old son and 10 year old daughter. They spend most of their time with us, just one day a week a their BF's house. We have been living together for 1 1/2 years. Here lies the major problems: Our kids do not get along, specifically her daughter with both of mine, specifically the younger. Whenever they are here, all hell pretty much breaks loose, they fight which causes my GF and I to fight. What seems to happen is that my GF always defends her kids actions which of course makes me mad and then I defend my daughters' actions. Her and I never really seem to stand "united". It seems to be "them" vs "us" when my kids are here. She even knows that because she has mentioned it to me. We have tried to work it out and talk about it but it never really seems to work.
When my daughters aren't here, I feel that it is "them" vs "me." I don't discipline her kids. This is what I have noticed about her kids: They are very disrepectful to me and to their mom. They yell at her when she asks them to do something. Whenever she does ask them to do something, i.e. pick up their stuff, they yell back or say "in a minute" and then it NEVER happens. Two days later the stuff is still laying there. They talk back to her all the time, they have told me to shut-up on numerous occasions. When we moved in together, we established some general rules, like no eating in the bedroom, no eating in our room. They were allowed to do that their old house. When they ask if they can eat in their room, she says "No, you know he doesn't want you to." I won't allow them or my kids to eat in my car and just recently her son came into the car eating a cake. I asked him what he was doing and he said his mom said it was allright. She was also in the car and said she told him it was ok and that I would just have "to get over it."
These examples make me feel that she is undermining me and making it easier for them to disrespect me since she doesn't have my back.
My main concern is what her kids have done to my kids. Here are four specific examples:
We were at a local pool during the summer. All the kids were playing in the pool, horsing around. My GF and I were on some chairs. Her son came walking up followed closely by all three girls. My girls was holding her mouth, crying hysterically. She said that my GF's son had hit her in the mouth! All three girls said that they were playing, he turned and full on socked her in the mouth! Of course he denied this and she believed him! I got royally mad and upset because she was calling everyone else a liar and then she got mad at me because I didn't believe her son!
Sorry, hit wrong button.
Sorry, hit wrong button. Anyway another instance we were on vacation and my youngest daughter had her head out the car window when we were stopped at the hotel to check in. My GF's daughter than rolled up the power window on my daughters head! Another time the kids were at home by themselves while I was at work and my GF had left to eun an errand. My oldest daughter called me and said my GF's daughter had pulled out a knife and was sitting on the couch daying if amyone came near her she would "hurt them". The last instance was I was talking to my daughter on the phone, again when I was at work and she started yelling at my GF's daughter to stop kicking my youngest daughter in the head!
My GF's response is always the same "well in her defense"...followed by some excuse or another.
I don’t think is normal. My GF says give it time. Its been 3 1/2 years! An opportunity has come up to me where I can move to my daughters hometown. My GF says she will not move because of her kids and family being established here. I reaaly miss my daughters and want to be where they are. Any advice? Is the above behavior normal? My GF says she wants to get married, I'm not so sure. Any advice would be helpful, Thanks
RUN or FLY! Don't walk. How
RUN or FLY! Don't walk. How lucky for you that your GF says she won't move with you, then you won't be stalked.
Your children will never get
Your children will never get in line with each other as long as you and your GF disagree about their upbringing. You said you have had long conversations about things, but they don't seem to go anywhere, so it doesn't seem anything was really accomplished. The rules and consequences have to be created and enforced by the two of you. Your GF undermining the no eating in the car or in bedrooms rule is absolutely not okay. It's not the rule itself, it's the fact that she clearly is not in support of it, when it's obviously important to you.
Teenagers are extremely difficult anyway with all of the wing spreading they are naturally inclined to do. Add a little real-life angst to it (ie blending with step-sibs) and you've got a whole recipe for disaster unless the two parents in the situation (you and your GF in this case) uphold the strongest of strong fronts. These kids must never know you disagree on anything at this point in the game. That's not to say never, but while they're still dissecting the situation, and insisting on pulling this family in every possible direction, you and your GF have to be the glue that keeps this together. Her children are going to fight you, and so are yours.
Have a conversation with your GF about the things that bother you. Find out what things bother her. Figure out what is really bothering your children, and then create some boundaries with consequences. Then figure out some things you can do as a family, in every combination....spend alone time with each of the kids, with each of the step-kids, with mixtures of them, and as a whole family unit. It will take a long time, but those positive interactions are what kids are thirsting for in these types of situations. Pretty soon the three girls will be teenagers and too busy to even think about any of this, so now is the time to nip this in the bud.
Bottom line is you and your GF have to make ground rules for every non-adult in the house, and if she isn't willing then this isn't the living situation for you.
Good luck!
Move before one of her kids
Move before one of her kids seriously hurts one of yours.
Run, do not walk to the exit.
Run, do not walk to the exit. Don't bother to explain or reason with her. Your GF does not want to parent and she offeres excuses instead of doing anything about it.
The level of violence might be downplayed if the kids were bio siblings. But the step thing means they are NOT bio and should be treated accordingly. Would they roll up the window on a cousin's head? No, so stop letting your children be abused, threatened, and treated like second class citizens. Get out.
Thank you all so fasaying the
Thank you all so fasaying the same things the advice and input. I just feel exacerbated with the whole situation. I have tried to talk to her about it and how I feel and how she feels. But when it comes down to it nothing really changes. I know we have to stand together and reinforce each other. She knows that too but it doesn't happen. She has more than once disrepected me in front of my kids, calling me names. She has also put down my kids right in front of them. I understand that kids fight, I have 2 brothers and we fought. I feel that this is different because they aren't bio and guess I needed to validate how I was feeling and if I was wrong feeling that way. My GF sister came to Visit and she was saying the same things I noticed: how disrespectful and inappropriate her neice and nephew were. So I knew I wasnt as crazy as my GF thought.
Go home. Your girls will
Go home. Your girls will thank you. I'm surprised THEY are not the ones acting out knowing that their dad is playing house with these abusive people.
GO and GO QUICKLY. It gets
GO and GO QUICKLY. It gets harder not easier after marriage. You'll find the right one; you seem like a sincere person and a good parent. Best Wishes and Godspeed!
reading this made me so sad
reading this made me so sad :(
you are being disrespected by your GF which means her kids are following her example.
I'm not even going to get into the shocking violence of her children against yours, others here have said just how wrong and dangerous that is, and I know you agree.
what I *am* going to get into, is your relationship with this woman..
I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who calls me names (really?!! are you really ok with that?!!) or tells me things like "get over it" (wow.)
..add the fact that she said those things in front of her kids, well yeh like I said, she's just giving them the go ahead to disrespect you as well.
no wonder they smart talk you, and answer back, they've learnt how to treat you from their mom.
BUT even if all of that *wasn't* happening..
you saying "My GF says she wants to get married, I'm not so sure" ..is the most important thing to pay attention to.
Think about marriage with this woman. The rest of your life is a long, looong time to be treated in this disrespectful, awful, sad making way. Not only by her, but by her children.
Things are not going to change. Your GF is not on the same page as you with regards to parenting, and she certainly doesn't value or respect you.
My advice is to move away from this damaging situation and be with your kids. You *will* find someone who respects you, values you, and supports you in every aspect of your life. You *will* find someone who you *just can't wait* to marry and spend the rest of your life HAPPY with! :)
don't settle. think about your words again. "My GF says she wants to get married, I'm not so sure."
Wait til you find someone you *are* sure about. She's out there x
Sunny_skies and others have
Sunny_skies and others have made some very good points and observations for me. It feels good to finally talk to others about this and reinforces the fact that I'm not crazy for feeling and thinking this way. I know my Gf's kids feel like they can get away with being how they are to me because there are no consequences. Every time I do speak up about it, my GF is right there defending their behavior or making excuses in front of them. When her and I argue or when my GF is giving me a hard time about something, her kids are there chiming in on our "adult" conversation.
Sunny_skies was right, I don't like being called an ahole or d*** in front of my kids and when I told my GF that she just said "oh they didnt hear me." Yet they were right there. My main concern too is my kids thinking that that behavior is acceptable. I have had many conversations with them that it is not acceptable.
I'm beginning to accept that things aren't going to change like I had hoped they would.
I know it can be so hard to
I know it can be so hard to see what's happening when you're in an abusive relationship. (yes, verbal and emotional abuse from your GF, and physical abuse on the part of her children towards yours)
But I do hope you *fully* realise that this situation is damaging to yourself and your kids. What I mean by *fully* realising it, is actually making the move, to remove yourself and your children from it. I hope that it happens soon, for all of your sakes.
As.. if you have had many conversations with your own kids, explaining to them that it is not acceptable, then how do you think they view you, knowing that you are continuing to stay, exposing yourself (and them!!!) to it. This could be way off, but it's a possibility, so thought I'd say.. I would actually be very careful not to lose the respect *your* kids have for you too.
Or.. possibly even worse, you could be teaching your kids that it's ok to be verbally abused in their relationships when they are older. Is this the sort of relationship you would be happy for your children to be in?
..also, saying to your GF not to call you names in front of your kids, and her answer "they didn't hear" whaaat?! who *cares* if they didn't hear?! she shouldn't be calling you names in the first place! you deserve so much better than this.
Get out! Figure out why you
Get out! Figure out why you thought you wanted this mess in the first place.