I wrote this at 2:30 a.m. and I still can't decide if I should bother to give it to my husbands daughter or not. I'm not convinced that she will "hear" what it says. Thoughts, opinions?

I think I’m finally ready to express myself without letting my anger get in the way. It's been 2 months since you have said more than 10 words to me and I thought I’d take a moment to explain how I feel.

When your dad and I first met I had high hopes that you and I would be able to form a close relationship, and even though I had no idea how to be a stepmother, I did my very best to treat you as though I would treat my own daughter. Did I make mistakes along the way, I sure did and for that I am sorry. I can honestly say though that I did the best I could and my intentions were in a good place. I felt badly for you, such a young sweet girl who had been through not one but basically two divorces. I wanted to show you that you could count on me and that I would be there for you. For your birthdays I did everything I could to make them special. When you needed to see doctors and dentists and asked me to take you instead of Dad, I did that as well. Every decision I made in regards to you good or bad, I asked myself the question "would I treat a birth daughter this way". Now obviously since I don't have any birth children, I could only guess but I truly wanted to treat you as I would one of my own children. Did I say and do things you didn't like, I'm positive I did and so did you. I noticed early upon meeting you that your Dad babied you and had a very hard time seeing you as a growing young lady. I went to battle for you many times with him. It was me who got your curfew taken away and me who kept him from flying off the handle many times.

Being a stepmother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had no training, no books to study, and no idea how to do it. I did the best I could. Stepmoms are expected to give the best of themselves yet nobody accepts the bad times. I was thrown into a role I didn't get to study for. I was expected to take care of you and treat you as my own, except when it was inconvenient. I was to take time off work to take you to school, doctor, dentist appointments yet I was not allowed to voice my opinion in other aspects. It's a very tough line to walk and I hope you never have to experience it firsthand.

Something happened when we moved into our new home and I'm not exactly sure what it was. But I do know the moment that my heart broke; it was the night you posted on your FB about us and your curfew. Now don't get me wrong, I realize complaining about curfew is a worldwide teenage complaint but it was what you said in the comments that cut me to core. You discussed our family’s financial situation with complete strangers and family members. Such a private matter to be vented publicly, even after we explained to you why our finances were the way they were. When I met your Dad, he was struggling to make ends meet, to feed you and Travis, to buy heating oil to keep you warm and to keep a roof over your head. He had to no choice but to use his charge card at times and put himself into debt. He had less money coming in than going out. You weren’t the one to hold him while he cried wondering how he was going to feed his kids, how he was going to afford heating oil for the winter. He would have never burdened you with those kinds of worries but I was there for him. You weren’t there when his vehicle gave way after being held together literally by metal hangers. You have no idea how much he was bothered by the fact that he had to use your $12,000 inheritance to purchase another car so that he could go to his low-wage job so that he could feed you and your brother and keep a roof over your head. If you could only understand we have had to make major sacrifices now to repay that $12,000 to you now and we have every single dime. We have each been working a full time job and a part time job to make the money up to you that he needed to “borrow” to buy that car and to dig him out of the debt he incurred raising you without a dime of child support. Yet you were so selfish you couldn't see past the fact that we couldn't buy you things and pay your car insurance. That is the morning my heart broke and in its place was anger. Perhaps he should have told you way back when how bad things were money-wise, but kids should never be burdened by those types of matters.

It was around that time that you pretty much stopped talking to us. You were "too busy" you said but yet you had time to visit your mom, hang out with Nate and his family, go to amusement parks, concerts, movies, bowling, etc. It's very obvious you don't want to be around us or maybe it’s just me. You treat our new home like a flop house where you sleep and shower. We stopped being a family. I mourned the loss of the hope that I had of us being a family, and you and I having a relationship. It broke my heart again. What I thought was to be was not. I had really thought this home would be filled with love, laughs and good memories. But instead it's been like living with a ghost roommate.

And then your Dad had a long talk with your Gram, and my life changed forever. I'm not quite sure if you even realize what has happened or if you just don't care but your "talks" with gram and your Aunts have forever changed my relationship with them. They blame me for Travis moving back to your moms, something that broke my heart and almost caused me to divorce the man I love. You see, it kills me inside to think that I would be the reason that my husband lost his relationship with his son. I was willing to leave and never turn back from the one man in my life that I ever truly loved with entire being if that would bring Travis back to him. However, your Dad has begged me to stay and I love him too much to break his heart. Your gram believes I am the reason that you and your Dad aren't close anymore and that too, breaks my heart. I doubt you balanced out how "terrible" I am with all the good I have done, or perhaps to you, the good doesn't matter. But I know deep in my heart that I did do many good things for you over the years. You once gave me a Mother's Day card that said that families fight but they have each other’s back and they always love one another. But that isn't true, when you had a problem with me, you didn't have the courage to come and talk to me, instead you went to family members and turned them against me. Do you have any idea how painful it is to know that I will never again have a close relationship with my mother in law? That I will always wonder what she's thinking about me, that I can never be close to her again. She is your grandmother and she loves you with all her heart and she will defend you to her last breath and that is exactly how it should be but did it ever occur to you to call her to "vent" about all the wonderful things I've done for you. She made a very clear statement to your Dad on the phone that night and that is "Kaitlyn is not Jackie's daughter", such a small statement with such a huge message. You are not my daughter, never have been, never will be. I feel as though all the things I did over the years to cultivate a close, loving, relationship with you were for nothing. Even with my best intentions I am the "evil stepmother". I can only imagine the horrible things you have told Nate and his family about me as well. It breaks my heart.

I still get sad about it at times but have come to the realization that there is nothing I can do and that for me to continue to try to change you or anyone else's mind about me are futile so I will accept it but it most certainly has changed our relationship going forward. I still do hold onto the hope that someday, when you grow up a bit, you will realize that I love you and that everything I ever did, I did from a place of love and wanting the best for you. Maybe you'll even realize how much good I have brought into your life to balance out the bad. Do I wish I could go back in time and do things differently I certainly do. But the past is what it is and I can't change it. I can only move forward with awareness of how things stand now.

You are an adult now and since everything I do “can and will be used against me”, I will no longer do or say anything except in matters that pertain to me and my home. I now know that what happens in our family is public knowledge and I will choose my words and actions carefully for I am fully aware that they will be passed on by you to family, friends and complete strangers on FB and Twitter.
I will no longer treat you like I would my own daughter but instead as Chris’s daughter. Your gram’s words will always echo in my head “You are not my daughter”. But keep in mind, I can’t split myself in two, you can’t take only the good in me and leave behind the things about me you don’t like.

I signed the paperwork authorizing you to receive my PSU discount because that is what I would do if you were my daughter. I wanted the very best for you and I wanted to give you the opportunity for the best future you could possibly have yet I’m not really sure you have any idea what I had to do for you to get that discount. I had to get up every morning and go to work for the past 25 years. Sounds easy enough, but I had to do it whether I wanted to or not; whether my I had a headache or didn’t sleep; whether I felt like it or not. When I started at 20 years old and all my friends were out partying and having a good time I had to sacrifice all that because I had to be responsible and go to work. Through bouts of depression and very hard times I had to go to work. A lot went into receiving that discount and I think it’s time you realized that.

And this is where I will speak my mind because it is my business. Your only “job” now is to go to college and do your very best and yet on Day 2 you have already started publically complaining and have dropped a class you only attended once and all so you can “sleep in”. You are now at the lowest line of being a full time student (12 credits), with no wiggle room to drop even one more class before falling into part time status. I hope your PSU advisor has informed you of the repercussions of falling into part time status in regards to your Burger King scholarship but that is not my concern. I can only tell you what the repercussions are from me in reference to the discount I am extending to you. I expect you to attend PSU full time while your Dad and I are providing free room and board. If you fall into part time status at PSU I will revoke the discount.

I do wish the very best for you and hope you realize the enormous gifts you have been given in the form of my discount and your grandmothers’ money. I know college is hard, it’s probably the hardest thing you will ever do but you have a choice. You can do the hard work now in college or do the hard work later in life at a low paying job. It’s your choice

You have so much more than most kids your age ever dream of. I sincerely hope you don’t waste it. And I hope someday you can find gratitude for it.