Sun Tzu spends some time in the next section discussing the various states of armies about to engage in battle. A lot of Sun Tzu’s discussion seems like common sense and once again encourages a leader to act with discretion. Moreover, Sun Tzu encourages leaders to study his foe and the composition of his armies at every opportunity. What we saw in the last post, is that things fare a lot better for us stepparents and our SOs if we are capable of uniting under a single banner ready to fight for something we BOTH want. When facing a battle alone, a war seems ominous, but when fighting alongside a trusted companion, the pair of you is exponentially stronger than the two of you fighting as separate individuals. I’ll touch on this in a minute. For now, let’s talk about the next lesson.

Lesson 3 “Know thy enemy, know thyself.”

I feel like we are getting into the meat and potatoes of this discussion. The enemy is the ex. Enemy might be a strong word to use so I will stick with “the adversarial ex” (I originally wanted to go with “epic nemesis” but I feared this blog might venture into the realm of fantasy writing). The adversarial ex, for reasons we cannot fathom, throws monkey wrenches into our lives, seemingly out of pure spite. As a result we cannot help ourselves but despise them.

But let’s stand back a moment.

How much of our SO’s ex do we truly know? Unless you know someone, how much can we understand them? This is the crux of Sun Tzu’s lesson here. Unless we know our epic… – sorry – “the adversarial ex”, we have little to go on in terms of strategy planning. What is it that drives them? What are their goals? What do they fear? Do they even love their children or do they routinely use them as pawns in the custody warfare? Do they know you? Do they like you? Have they tried talking to you?

My DW was with her ex for about 11 years. I have only met him twice and barely exchanged more than 3 sentences with him. Theoretically, my DW should know him better than me. Today, both of us know DW’s ex a lot better than DW ever did before.

Part of this has to do with DW and I discussing the subject of her ex to great length. Sure DW would bitch and complain about him for hours on end. I listened but at one point I told her that she needs to hear me out too. Her ex, is a man. I’m a man. Her ex is a father. I’m a step-father. Using that common denominator I was capable of giving DW some insights. It’s easy to put men and women into stereotypes. Psychologists have been doing it for years. I won’t delve too deeply into the realm of psychology because there are mountains of text books on the subject but let’s read everything on the diagonal just for the purpose of applying Sun Tzu’s philosophy.

Whether you are a man, or a woman plays some role in the way you perceive the world but each of us have certain aspects to our character that we can readily see and identify with (i.e aggression, passiveness, observant, insular, etc). In stressful high-conflict situations, men (and women) will react differently depending on their basic nature. Knowing that nature helps us better predict what a person’s reactions will be to challenging situations. This is the hallmark of all great leaders (and poker players).

I heard this expression once. “There three types of people; those who lead, those who follow and those who just stand in the way.”

I myself am more of a follower than a leader. Believe me, I wish I had more leadership qualities. In my years of watching DW deal with her ex, I learned he is not a leader either. Nor is he a follower. His personality is more of that other type. DW’s ex just stands there; letting life float by. Once I imparted this observation to DW, I could see the lightbulb turn on. In that moment we found ourselves onto something.

My insights combined with DW’s experience enabled us to dissect her Ex’s personality. Through our lengthy discussion we managed to formulate a working model for the ex. We now know exactly how the man thinks, how he acts and how he reacts. We know what he will say, what he will not say. We know what he will do, and what he will not do. In other words we have become better able to predict the Ex and we adjust our plans accordingly when we are forced to deal with him. We would never have been able to do this however, if DW and I did not stand united and talked about this. Had DW gone into the court room without any of my insights, she would have let her emotions guide her and that would have led her to ruin. Contrarily if it was just me that went into the courtroom to speak on DW’s behalf, there would have been no substance to anything I would have said because I am basing my arguments and battle strategies solely on disjointed theories.

I can see the question formulating in your head, “But Draco, if you and DW know the Ex so well, then surely you must know how to avoid fighting with him?”. The answer is yes, we do. We know what subjects will agitate the ex and we avoid them as much as we can. However we also know that the ex leads a rather existentialist existence. Meaning that in his eyes, me and DW exist solely to irritate him. He does not care about us at all. Moreover, he does not care about the relationship SS has with us. This is a shame because DW and I actually DO care about the relationship SS has with his Dad.

The Ex cares more about spiting us than about caring for his son. It’s pathetic, and it is also sad because it is my SS who tends to bear the brunt of his Dad’s attitudes towards us. If someone only cares about hurting someone else, they run the risk of losing those they are supposed to care about (remember my discussion earlier on “cost”). I often wonder what life is like for SS when he goes to his Dad’s since SS is treated like a possession than as a son.

It goes without saying then, that the ex is not a very rational being. Remember what Achiles said to Hector at the gates of Troy? “There can be no pact between lions and men”. This is why fighting with the ex is unavoidable. This is why we must take the time to understand how the adversarial ex thinks before we plan anything.

Next “The opportunity to avoid defeat lies in our hands, but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy.”