Awww HELL NAW!! Hee hee What a precious child she must be. Wow - BM is clearly a stellar mother if she's teaching her 4 year old that kind of language.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

ZOMG! A 4yo called you the C word. What did Daddy say?
And I thought my steppie was advanced when she questioned me who slept in my bed at age of 5.
And asked me if Daddy and I took baths together.

Well, I was going to say at 4 maybe if you had her permanently you and dh could make a difference to her (assuming dh actually disciplines), but then I read the last couple of sentences. Aww Hell Naw!

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I hate to sound like "super bitch", well maybe I am but my cape is at the dry cleaners today, but if my DH said SD was coming to live with us I would not consider it for even half a second.. I would say HELL to the FUCK no and if he insisted, I would leave him... NO way in hell am I going to deal with that demon spawn every day of my life.. EOW is too much for me.. NO way am I taking her on full time.. NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!

I actually hate BM passionatly but I do fear that one day something horrible would happen to her and we would end up stuck with SD.. I honestly would leave.. I may be a minivan mom at that point but at least I would have my sanity!!!

Good Luck!!

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare... Ed Asner

Maybe this would be an opportunity for you and DH to "reprogram" your skid. You know, teach her rules and consequences and stuff.
However, you have to understand that regardless of her attitude DH won't want her homeless or in an unstable environment. So most likely whether you like it or not skid will be coming to live with you. Can you handle that?

Fading... I do think that you can say "no". But I also think you need to sit down with your hubby and have a real heart to heart about REAL issues and exactly what your rights will be.

For example... It needs to be said more than "someone gets lil miss sunshine's attitude and behavior in check"...

In my opinion it should be more like... "Okay - I will consider this.. but here's what I need to have answered before we say yes..."

1. I need to be allowed to discipline.

2. I need to be allowed to raise this child in my home as if she were my own. I do NOT want BM telling me it is not my right to raise this kid. If I have to deal with her 24/7 then I get a say in how she acts here.

3. I get to work with you on appropriate punishments. For example, calling me the C word at 4 years old - and then discuss with DH how he intends to handle that and follow through on it.

4. I need to be able to do pick ups and drop offs. I need to be able to call the doctor if needed. I need to be able to call the school / daycare if needed. I need some "rights". God forbid Dh and BM aren't around and you are faced with a crisis and have to make a decision. And ALL PARTIES need to respect that decision.

5. If you were a foster parent, or an adoptive parent, these "rights" would all be given to you. If you are taking a child into your home under your care, and are going to be expected to cook, clean, and see a child every day, then I am really sorry if this offends some... BUT you have the same rights given to foster and adoptive parents. In essence, that is what you are doing for this child right now.

5. DH and you need to decide real concepts on raising kids. Appropriate bedtimes, how to handle a fussy eater, etc. etc.

I think this could work, and I think this could be good for your skid. You could be getting her in time to raise her properly. But you can't do it with one hand tied behind your back.

In my opinion- Either you are full-in in this situation. Or you are out.

Best of luck

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Awww Hell to the naw!! ROTFL. That was funny. Okay, now seriously I would guess that if her dad let you make that decision then you can say what you want. I didnt read your other blogs yet, but is there any other reason he thinks she should live with you guys? Abuse or neglect from BM? Considering I just had two come to live with me permanently, I wish I woulda said no or left. Which saying no would have led to me leaving because my dh wouldnt have gone for it.

I have to agree with giana. Regardless of her attitude, DH won't want her living in a questionable environment. One quick question: do you think that part of the reason SD acts like she does is she can sense how you feel about her? No matter how nice you might be to her, she can probably still sense how you feel about her. All kids have excellent BS detectors. I'm in no way trying to bash you for how you feel, but I'm trying to say that her sensing how you feel about her may be part of why she's acting the way she does. Perhaps both of you (her and you) could benefit from individual counseling.

Her coming to live with you guys may be the only chance she has at turning out to be a decent person. You can document the conditions of BM's home, SD, take pictures of SD in a poor condition, and save emails and phone calls between DH and BM and call CPS and send them to the CPS investigator and take them with you to court.

I think you are totally within your rights to insist on behavior changes prior to any permanent change in living arrangements. If I'd had that opportunity, I'd have definitely tried for it. At four, she is correctible IF BM is out of the picture or cooperative, which sounds like a slim to none. That's also assuming your DH can parent worth a crap...even with BM mostly out of the picture like in my situation, DH will still dump the job on you if he sucks as a parent or if you let him. I wouldn't volunteer to raise someone else's kid unless it was an extreme circumstance...and it doesn't sound really like this one is. Homeless means no home...staying in a shelter or on the street, there's no in-between...

I know this is probably controversial to say also, but I do believe that short of outright abuse (not parenting style), a child is better off with their bioparent...and at that age, their Mom. Moms are a huge influence and the loss of a Mom can be life threatening in an emotional sense. Abuse is a fine line in a lot of people's views I know and especially when it comes to BM's, but no, I absolutely would not go trying to yank this kid away from her Mom unless the circumstance was tragic or abusive.

I too thought I was gonna be an EOWE SM.....so much for that....and my skids were so emotionally neglected that they were like little sponges dying to be filled up with LOVE, so their behavior in my case wasn't really that big of an issue....they would flourish when they were here with us EOWE and then become, dark and withdrawn when with the BM....it wasn't until we REALLY found out what was going on that we...oh I mean my DH, got custody.....I agree with Stick, sit down with DH with a written outline stating what YOU need to happen for you to agree to the 24/7 thing....if she called u a c-word over the phone and there are no repercussions for her...it would be a hell no for me too....based upon my experience...if yur DH doesn't back u up 100%, the 24/7 deal never works out

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Even if she were a well behaved child, she shouldn't be living with you %100 of the time. I am always wary of parents who insist their child only be with them and not the other parent. Unless the woman is abusing or neglecting her child that is. If the environment is unsafe, that's one thing but the woman is just moving from one place to another. Getting evicted doesn't mean you should have your child taken away from you. BM still needs to take care of her responsibilities.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

I think that this is something that we all should assume is a possibility when getting into a relationship with someone who has kids that don't live with them. There is ALWAYS a chance that something catastrophic will happen and the kid will need to come live with you full time. Expecting anything else is only setting ourselves up for disappointment and a failed relationship when the time does come around.

If she has a place lined up to move into, then perhaps SD will only need to stay with you guys temporarily until her BM gets into the new place. However, if she is getting evicted from the place she is in now, who's to say she won't get evicted again...

The kid is 4 years old. There is still plenty of time to have a positive influence in her life. Just because she's a hellion now doesn't mean that she can't change. Four year olds act out like this because they are begging for someone to love them and provide consistency and discepline in their lives, which it doesn't sound like BM does. I don't think that it's realistic to demand a behavior change before she moves in because it's not an instant thing. You can't just flip a switch and change years of instability and emotional trauma. It will take time, consistency, discepline, patience, and love. Moving in with you guys might be the best thing for this little girl. If you are not up for that, then maybe you should leave. You're already threatening to leave anyway. This is his child, he's not just going to write her off.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*