I'm pretty sure it's to each his own in the step world.

I do things for my stepkids because I want to. I love them like my own, because I want to. They acknowledge the things I do for them though honestly if they didn't, it probably wouldn't irk me. I do things for my bio daughter and she doesn't acknowledge it, she just expects it, because I'm her mom. *shrug* The steps love and respect me and that means so much to because they WANT to, I'm not their mother and they don't have to love me, just like I don't have to love them.

But then again, I've been told my whole situation is abnormal...except for the whole BM is a psycho part.

I don't do this sh*t either. No interest in it. No interest in having kids... I am certainly not going to pretend that DHs are mine.

I don't do much for my skids, I don't even think of them as my step kids. They are my boyfriends kids. I do buy the bday and xmas gifts will help with meals when the are with us and on occasion go to a soccer game or school play. I will play with them from time to time but that is it. For no other reason then they have both their parents. My SO does way more for my kids, but my kids father is NOT part of their lives and SO knew this when we got together so he went in knowing he was going to play a large parental role in their lives. I would not say I love them like my own because they are not mine. I do love them and would protect them as if they were mine but I would do that for any child, I wish nothing but health and happiness for them. That is about it.

I used to do stuff for DH's kid. Not any more.

I don't buy her gifts, help DH pick them out, spend time with her (unless DH is around) or engage her in conversation. I don't like or love her, I am indifferent to her. She did a lot of horrible things and I completely disengaged.

Does DH like it? I no longer care how he feels about it. He had his chance to fix things, and he blew it.

I WISH!!!

My issue seems to stem from the fact that I have 2 bios of my own that I brought into this relationship which I do everything for. DH has made the assumptions and therefore dumped on me with an expectation that I should just extend what I do for my kids to his kids.

i find it impossible to get out of it without a huge fight.

If you can tell me how to get out of it, I would certainly take your advice into consideration. Here is one issue... all follow the same type of pattern but tell me how to handle this:

BD13\BD8 - they take the bus home from school vs go to an afterschool care because I work from home. Although I am here, I am working, they come home, do their homework. If BD13 needs help, she moves to the next topic and waits until I am done work. If BD8 needs help, she asks BD13 while I am working. They entertain themselves in their rooms and otherwise leave me to work.

SD13 now takes the bus too - at the start of the school year, DH didn't ask me, he just informed me that since SD13 didn't want to attend after school care because BD13 wasn't and that she too would be taking the bus to the house on his days after school. I said, I am not always here (sometimes I am on site) so I can't say for certain I will be here (I am here 99% of the time) He said well we would figure that out when I was on site. I felt stuck, not given a choice and saying - no your kid can't ride the bus home - but my kids can was going to be a HUGE fight. I did say, doesn't BM work from home too? YES she does. And doesn't SD13's bus go to BM;s house too? YES it does but she wants to come here on my days because BD13 is here and doesn't want to go to her mom's. Its her house too. S.T.U.C.K

When I first married DH I quit my job to be a SAHM for SD 10 at the time and BD5 at the time. I assumed it was my job as the mother in the house to do all of those things. I was not annoyed by it at all and I just did it and treated SD like BD. (SD lives with us)

I took her to the doctor, took her for haircuts, drove her around, cooked, cleaned, did her laundry and treated her like she was my own kid.

But the difference was she treated me like shit. She was nasty to me, she would lie to me or about me, she would purposely make a mess for me to clean, she tried everything to get rid of me.

I stopped cleaning her room and stopped doing her laundry. Now she is 16 and I do as little as possible but its hard because she lives with us. I will drive her to a friends house because it means she will be gone for awhile. I cook dinner for everyone but I expect the kids to wash their own dishes.

If she needs something that goes above and beyond I send her to DH. He can deal with her.

I never did any of that stuff either. I never even shooped fir presents. All i ever did was watch them when dh had to work a sat every once in a while. And a few times at christmas time and sometimes in tge summer. However ive always worked so there was never much time that dh and i had off at the same time do he had to make other arrangments.

I didnt used to anything for SD, maybe a gift at xmas or bday, but thats it. She lives with us full time now, so its changed a little. I cook dinner everynight, but thats for everyone anyway, I do the laundry for everyone. I have bought her clothing items on occassion, but the rest is up to her dad. I dont help with homework, or pickup/dropoff unless he needs a favor VERY RARELY.

I dont discipline her, and the few times I have attempted to lay down the law with her, she runs to dadddddy because I am mean. So I just keep my mouth shut, let her be a shit and then he can only blame himself for how she turns out. She wants special things, foods, etc? She can ask dad. I know now that doing nice things for her or special things only results in me expecting her to like me, and that isnt the case. She likes me ONLY when I am doing something for her. The rest of the time, she could care less if I was around.

So in time you learn to just pull back and let DH or SO or whoever, just parent them alone.

I really don’t do much for my SS. Not because he is a jerk to me, (DH would not allow that) but because his father does it all. It is HIS kid for goodness sake.
I am with you, where I do not understand why some of the SM’s pay for the skids junk, buy them stuff ect…even though the skids treat them like garbage. *shrugs* One SM on here paid for A LOT of her skids wedding and he crapped all over her, yet she still paid for it. UGH. Not me.

I used to do a lot of things for skids and DH as far as picking up, dropping off, entertaining, buying things etc. Used to be friendly with BMs too.

All of that changed when BMs started treating me like shit and then skids followed suit. So be it. You want to act like jerks, do it on your own time. I have ZERO to do with BMs now...REFUSE to speak to either and would eat glass before doing a "favor" for them. I do NOTHING for skids now either. They really don't exist to me. The only time they are spoken about in our home is if DH brings them up for some reason or another.

Hey, they all chose this road. I just focus all my love and attention on our almost 3 year old BS who can actually reap the benefits of my love, time and devotion.

I suppose I am very fortunate that I have pretty good skids. SD13 lives with us full time now, but even before that I always looked at my role as "fun grown up friend" instead of any kind of "parent" if that makes sense. I like doing things for the skids, even if they don't appreciate it, like someone said above, I do for my own and he doesn't appreciate it either. lol

I had just gotten my bioson grown and out when SD13 moved in. Put a huge kink in my plans but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that kid!

I used to do things for SD. Up until her visit over this last summer, I drank SO's kool-aid and believed him when he said that he was POSITIVE that SD had no problem with me whatsoever, that I was just being "paranoid". But, something kept nagging at me in the back of my head that a kid that had no problem with me wouldn't be so quick to act like a POS towards me. But, when she was here for a month this summer and treated me like complete garbage for a week and a half consistently, starting less than 24 hours after her flight landed, I told SO that I was done. I was done doing anything for her unless it was a life-saving measure and he wasn't around. I also told SO that for every visit in the future that she will have a babysitter for the nights that he works unless he takes off those nights or rearranges his schedule to make up the time off when she's not visiting. I don't care if she's going to be 13 the next time she visits, she will have a sitter because I am not going to be the one sitting here with her Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights because she can't be trusted to not mess with things and disobey just because SO isn't home.

Turns out, though, that all of my "paranoia" that SD had a problem with me was 100% accurate. She let it fly with SO this summer after I disengaged from her that she hated me because she knew I was responsible for her suddenly having rules when she visited SO. SO tried explaining to her that they were HIS rules and OUR house rules, but, she doesn't care. Well, neither do I. I'm not lifting a finger to help her out until her attitude improves.

It's liberating, really, to know that when she visits I don't have to worry about doing jack for her, because, the truth of the matter is she is NOT my kid and I have no obligation towards her other than to not treat her the way she's been treating me for the past three years. I used to worry about being nice to her, setting aside time to spend with her to build a relationship with her, making sure she had fun things to do when she was here, and all that nonsense. But now? As long as she's not being an ass towards me, SO, the dog, or the cat, I don't care. She can sit in her room and bore herself to tears.