Help needed- SD and BM off the rails-- Advice Please
Hello all-- Been absent for a while but have an issue I need help with.
If you follow me, you know that SD12 has major issues. She's diabetic, has social anxiety and a major case of entitlement and severe defiance. She was home schooled through the hospital homebound program from Jan- June last year. This year, she changed schools b/c she moved (moved in with BM's BF and his kids). She liked her new school and it started off well.
She was hospitalized for diabetes a few weeks into school. Last week she got her insulin pump and glucose levels have evened out and she's finally back in school.
FDH called me this morning upset. Apparently, BM blew up his phone with texts this morning. SD12 has refused to go to school two days in a row (same thing she did last year which caused her to be home schooled in the end). BM is blaming FDH (no idea how/why) for issues with SD. She says she "DONE" and FDH needs to fix it. She says she's going to quit her job and file for more child support if FDH doesn't help her with this. And by help, she means that he should've stopped his commute to work and immediately turned around to pick up SD so BM could go to work. He refused as he simply couldn't do that. He told her he'd pick her up early today (she's staying here tonight anyway) and work from home tomorrow. He plans to take her to the therapist that BM isn't taking her to see as she should.
I simply don't know what to do anymore. SD needs help. She needs structure and some tough love. But BM simply won't be consistent and most of these issues would be resolved if she would. (She lives there most of the time and lately has been refusing to even visit here). I seriously don't know what FDH should do. He can't let his daughter drop out of life and make adult decisions. He doesn't have her full time and really can't. He travels a lot and I am certainly not taking on the responsibility of HER kid when she's refusing to be a proper parent. I am dealing with my own health issues, trying to get myself out of this depression (doing better but not there) and staying sober (30+ days now!). I can't handle a defiant child whose own mother can't deal with her. A lot would fall on me as I work from home and again, he travels often. I am having a hard enough time dealing with myself, much less her.
This has been going on for so long now and is totally escalating to epic proportions.
What can we do? We can't MAKE BM parent the way she should. We can't take custody. FDH can't drive 45 minutes north every morning to get her to school before he drives another 1.5 hours south to work. I am racking my brain trying to think of options, suggestions, solutions. I want to support him and this kid needs help. But I am at a loss. He is too.
What do you think?
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Comments
I agree that she has serious
I agree that she has serious issues which is why I am so annoyed that BM hasn't been taking her to counseling. I would take her myself if she'd go without a fight.
I think the court would look at her like she was crazy if she said "I had to quit my job because my kid won't go to school". That's just ridiculous. She is 12 and could stay alone but she's diabetic and immature so that really isn't an option. So, even home / online school is not an option.
Last year the school counselors threw up their hands and they ended up with the Hospital Homebound program as a result.
You're right. 1- not an
You're right.
1- not an option-- not good for anyone
2 and 3 are pretty much the same. Except there is no way he can find a comparable job closer to home that doesn't require travel in his line of business. That's why he works so far away. Anything around here would still probably require travel and he'd make half of what he does. Can't do that. And let's not forget, that if he takes custody, I'd still be living with an out of control kid.
Thanks for the congrats. It feels good.
I agree on the sick kid
I agree on the sick kid thing. And as Tog will tell you, sick kids (especially diabetics) will often use their illness to manipulate their parents. This kid is a certified genius and I have no doubt she knows exactly what she's doing. I knew SD before she was diagnosed. And they both let her get away with murder. At 9, she was throwing tantrums, doing whatever she wanted, staying up all hours of the night and he behavior was blamed on "being the baby of the family". But back then, she was at least attending school, doing well and even had some real life friends (opposed to online friends she has now).
I feel very sorry for him as well. This is a bad situation. And as I said, I really want to be supportive. I just don't know if I will survive it if she moved in here. Way too much would fall on me and I don't know if I could handle that. If I moved out and we continued to see one another from separate homes, I don't know if he could do it by himself with his work schedule.
I'd like to think that maybe if they sat down together with a therapist they could come up with something. But the reality is, they've done that and BM has ignored the advice of two therapists.
I guess hard ball is all he's got. But not sure if he will do it.
To be clear, all that this
To be clear, all that this morning was in text. No phone call. But I agree. When the kid is on HIS time, he gets her to school and that's that. So why is it his problem what she does on BM's time? She needs to deal with it. As someone who raised a kid alone who also went through a long bout of health issues, I really have no patience for the "I quit, you do it" mentality of this woman.
So frustrating because this could be easily solved if BM would just get her head out of the sand, stop making excuses for SD and create some structure in that house. It's not really that hard.
Now that I've had some time
Now that I've had some time to sit with it, I am thinking the same thing. He even said to me "This was not a medical emergency-- that would be different". I think that might be the only way to handle it is to ignore her when she is asking him to step in and do her job on her time. Not sure he's capable of it though.
I agree with Lady. But let
I agree with Lady.
But let me ask you a question...what would your DH do if BM were to die?
Is she were to die, the kids
Is she were to die, the kids would move in here, they would get SSI benefits and he could afford some help with SD. It wouldn't be pretty but that's what would happen. Since she's not dead and simply throwing up her hands and being a bitch (blaming him for her failure), the answer is not the same.
She refuses to go tk
She refuses to go tk school??? wtf?? Shes twelve.....not seventeen. Drag her ass to the car and drive her there. Then make her life miserable for even trying some bushit like thag when she getz home. Refusing is simply not an option. Shex twelve.... The adults in her life hold alllll the cards.
What the hell is thesd parents problem. .. You are the adult and you make the rules, end of story.
This was my question and
This was my question and thought... how does a 12 year old "refuse" to go to school? what are her so called reasons for not wanting to go to school?
My BS3 refused to pick up his shoes last night and put them by the door where they belong. I told him that was fine, but if I picked them up I was throwing them in the trash and I would have followed through. He picked them up.
Sounds like BM is just a lazy parent that is cool with being a mom until things get ugly, then she wants someone else to do the dirty work. I agree with the others who say call her bluff.
One of my SD's has a dietary
One of my SD's has a dietary problem that can cause severe issues. She once said something to me along the lines of "if you only had what I have" (cue violins). I nearly corpsed myself laughing and said "nice try, kid". She never tried it on me again... Her mother however does let her get away with murder because of this dietary thing, so my SD used to miss a LOT of school. Luckily we have 50-50 custody now (used to be 100% BM but we went to court) and she knows that sort of nonsense doesn't fly with us, and having experienced consequences to her actions she doesn't try it here. The BM did try to tell us that we were "too strict" on her poor little darling and my SO shut her down straight away. Since the 50-50 split her grades and behaviour have improved enormously so something must be going right.
My aunt has been severely diabetic since childhood and was NEVER allowed to use this as an excuse for bad behaviour/to get out of her responsibilities. She is therefore a productive member of society and a marvelous person who has travelled halfway across the world with her insulin in tow.
The BM needs to remove her head from her *ss and be a parent.
Actually, you just gave me an
Actually, you just gave me an idea. Maybe 50/50 would be a good idea in this case. It would mean he'd have to drive her to school 5 days a week and I'd have to pick her up. But maybe he could get her ass under control and shut BM up from acting like SHE does all the work.