OT: Need some advice- grandma is dying.
My grandmother was just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung and bone cancer. They don't really know how long she has, but she is at the end of her life basically. She is 80+ and mentally not there most days.
Financially I can only afford to fly back home once (and even that will be a financial stretch). I am torn between flying up with my sons now, so that we can all see each other one more time when she is alive, and waiting and being able to make it for her funeral. 
She probably wouldn't recognize me if I went now.....she doesn't remember or recognize my father and he visits her three times a week. I would love to see her one last time before she goes, but I would feel horrible to have to miss her funeral and not be there to help support my dad. He doesn't have any family other than my sister, his sister, and I. He never re-married and isn't dating anyone. Other than coworkers, he is pretty much a loner.
What would you do?
That's a tough one. How well
That's a tough one. How well do your sons know her? And how old are they? Would it perhaps make more sense to go on your own to see her, and then also go to the funeral?
My sons are 3 and infant.
My sons are 3 and infant. They both saw her this past July, but I doubt that the three yr old even remembers her.
The baby flies free anyways, and I wouldn't ever leave BS here with Dh and the skids alone (long back story, but that's just not an option)
I'm so very sorry. I was
I'm so very sorry. I was faced with the same situation in June. My grandma was my ONLY grandparent (both grandpas died before I was born and I never knew my mom's mom) and she helped raise my brother and I. We were VERY close. We'd see her every weekend when I still lived in Michigan. I loved her to pieces.
My dad called in May of this year and said she'd been moved to the nursing home since she'd almost burned her apartment down trying to cook. She wasn't all there either and only would talk about things that happened when I was a kid, nothing recent. I felt bad calling her because it would take her a good 20 minutes before she'd even know who I was and then after that, she'd say she wished I lived close to her so I could see her before she died. Yeah, I would always feel horribly guilty that I'd moved from Michigan after I graduated high school.
So in June, DH and I got married and had our reception 2 weeks later when my daughter got out of school in MI and could fly down with my mom. My dad called the day after and said grandma wasn't doing well. I had just gotten married, my mom and daughter were in Colorado and I couldn't very well afford to travel up then to see grandma. I felt horrible! She passed a few days later. I still couldn't afford to go.
She was 97 and lived a great, full life. I know she knows I was there in spirit. I sent cards to my family members with my condolences. Dad and mom were both at grandma's funeral since mom had flown back the day before.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If I were you, I'd definitely go to the funeral and pay your final respects. I truly wish I would've been able to be there in support of my family and see her one last time.
Hugs from Denver.
I'm so sorry that you are in
I'm so sorry that you are in a difficult position of making a decision like this.
Your grandmother most likely will not recognize you either, and she may not even be conscious by the the time you visit. So you may have to be content with just stroking her hand, talking to her, etc. but without any kind of response. You must also prepare yourself for the physical changes she is undergoing. She may look very differently and you may find it difficult to see first-hand. My father, who also had lung cancer, looked completely different on the day he died compared to his funeral where he looked more like "himself" thanks to the tender talents of the funeral home.
The other option is to go and support your father and other family members when you all will most need it - upon her passing. Weddings and funerals are the time when most family members gather, so it will be a chance to reconnect and comfort each other. And also to share the wonderful memories you all have of your grandmother.
Which of these scenarios is the one you feel will be the best for you? That is the correct choice, whatever it is.
Honestly, waiting for the
Honestly, waiting for the funeral seems to make the most sense for me. I just feel horrible to be "waiting for her to die" before I go up, ya know?
She didn't recognize me or the kids in July when I was up, so I know she wouldn't recognize me now. We weren't super close growing, saw her a few times a year, but shes still my grandma. My dad will definitely need my support when the times comes, so I think that's the better decision.
Don't feel bad about waiting.
Don't feel bad about waiting. Many people are often in the same situation you are in and make the choice to "wait" because then they have a chance to be together with other loved ones, to take care of each other, and celebrate their loved one's life and fond memories. I would guess that most of those who have passed away would probably say this is the right thing to do ...
Given her frame of mind, I
Given her frame of mind, I would wait & attend the funeral.
As much as you want to see her one last time, the condition you describe her in is not the way you will want to remember her.
Your dad will need your support through the funeral as he grieves the loss of his mother.
I'm sorry.
Sorry you are going through
Sorry you are going through this, this is a tough situation. I would wait and attend the funeral.
I'm so sorry. I would
I'm so sorry.
I would totally go while she's still alive. What's the point of showing up for the funeral? I'd MUCH rather see her alive than at a viewing.
Sounds like you are figuring
Sounds like you are figuring out what feels best for you - going up for the funeral, being present for your dad. Every situation is different; you can bless her on her way from your heart wherever you might be. I missed both grandmother's deaths and funerals, yet the bond I had with one of them carried on long after the ceremonies. we knew what we had, and that settled it for us. Do what makes sense for you!
Why not ask your dad which he
Why not ask your dad which he prefers? Maybe he needs you now. While you are there you can help him make arrangements that will need to be made after she dies. Then he won't have much to take care of. Sometimes the dying process is more trying and the actual passing is more of a relief. When someone is dying, the grief process doesn't start the second they die. Call your dad.