Hi all I haven't posted here for a while although have been doing lots of reading!! I need some advice from other steptalkers regarding what's going on in my life in terms of co-parenting in a blended family.
While the issues of being a step mum continue to crop up for me (negative feelings towards step kids etc) I have been trying to sit with these feelings and not act as I have come to understand that they are a normal part of the step parenting role. However there have been some long standing issues with my SO's 14 year old son. Both my SO and I have one challenging child each. I have a 12yo BS who has behavioural/boundary issues that I have been working with for well most of his life. His behaviour affects our family and his behaviour affects his relationships with peers also. I have gotten as much help as I can for him and he is steadily improving. There is no quick fix for the issues he has(nothing diagnosable, been down that path) so it is just one day at a time and giving him solid boundaries, consequences for actions and being a strong and stable mum for him. This has been hard work and at times I wish I could run away from him (I never would it's just that frustrated feeling of no let up). My SO's 14 year old son is difficult also. He steals, lies, smokes cigarettes, marijuana, gets drunk, is having sex with girls (lots of em) and is very emotionally manipulative. My SO has pointed out to me so many times that my BS is emotionally manipulative, I have heard his comment and agree so this is one of the points that I have been working on with my son. I recently discovered that my SS14's current girlfriend had a crush on my elder BS14. I was worried about this and spoke to BS14. He was aware as this girl had told him how she felt but he said that he was not interested in taking things further with her as it would be "too hard" given her relationship with his step brother. All good, I was relieved that my son's moral compass was pointing in the right direction. However SO and SS14 are now treating my older BS like he is some sort of A-hole. He never invited this girls affections but she was part of the same social group and he considers her a good friend. I have spoken to SO and told him that my BS had handled the situation from his end appropriately. SS14 is picking on BS14 at school, telling BS's friends that he is Gay and a fag, telling them that he doesn't like BS etc. SS has done this to my BS since they met three years ago and BS has had to swallow some pretty shitty behaviour off SS. BS had had his best mate since kindergarten come and stay with us a few times when we first all moved in together, SS used the same tactics on him as I described above and spent his birthday last year in tears because SS and BS's best mate teamed up and picked on him all weekend. I told my sons friend's mum what had happened and we have never heard from either her or my sons mate since. SS now regularly hangs out with this boy. This is just one example but there are many more - all in a similar vein. Anyway the latest is that SS is going to his BM's on the weekends (he is with us all week) and getting drunk, going through her cigarette butts and re-rolling so he has something to smoke, buying marijuana (or stealing it of BM as she smokes constantly), hanging around the shopping malls with mates and shoplifting and generally being self destructive. SO is aware. I have been talking to SO about what has been happening with SS and suggested that given that SS does not have any boundaries with BM perhaps it would be best to just have him here full time so SO can keep an eye on him and keep him occupied with more constructive activities. SO agreed but SS wants "his time" with BM (although she takes him nowhere and spends all of her time in her bedroom with her new boyfriend smoking dope). He wants this time so he can do what he wants. BM has been away in another state also recently as a family member passed away. She let SS know that she had no problem with him staying at her place ON HIS OWN with no supervision. SO also had NO PROBLEM with this despite being aware of what his son was doing. So SS spent time in the city (an hours drive from here) on his own unsupervised, came back two days later not speaking, looked like shit and had to have time off school so he could "sleep". SO and I went out for 2 hours a couple of nights ago and left SS17, DS14 and SS 14 at home, SS17 is a GREAT kid and fully trustworthy of being in charge for an hour or so. By the time we got back I noticed two empty beer bottles on the sink that hadn't been there before. My SO brews his own beer and it is left in a crate in a locked shed. I queried the boys who had drunk the beer, SS 14 pipes up and said it was him, my jaw dropped, SS17 was upset as he had told his brother it was not appropriate. SO said nothing, in fact he asked SS14 if it was a good brew! I am still reeling and cannot put words to how I feel. I have spoken to my BS14 and told him that under no circumstances at his age is it ok for him to ever drink alcohol without my permission or without my presence. I kind of feel like I can't do anything regarding SO's lack of parenting of his son but I can keep control of mine by having a strong relationship with him and letting him know where I stand on certain issues. SO has told me that when I raise issues regarding his son he feels like I'm trying to bury the boy. I have to admit that I AM starting to feel that way. I am resentful of the fact that although the other kids in our home are expected to behave and will have consequences dished out for poor behaviour (including SO's other two kids) this kid can just do what he likes. SO really thinks this kid walks on water, he treats him like his best friend instead of parenting him - it's so weird. I need to be careful how I handle my feelings as I have no right to interfere with how SO chooses to parent his child I just don't like how this kid has treated my son and his Dad does nothing but find excuses for the fact he is a bully and not a nice person. Anyhow any advice/comments would be appreciated. Thanks for the vent!