Slipping into Depression...
I was wondering if any of you felt feelings of depression when you first became stepparents. Dh and I have only been married 9 mos and although I love him so much, it just seems like as stepmoms we face obstacle after obstacle. I don't have any close female friends that are stepmoms. What makes it more difficult for me is that I have always wanted to be a mother and I have no bio children of my own. We struggle financially because of the CS payments to BM (who by the way no longer works) she recently remarried. As soon as her baby was born, she became a stay at home mom. I work full time and at times it seems it is difficult just to do things for myself. Having a baby of my own is something I have put on hold. I feel it would be irresponsible for us to have a child since we are not financially ready. I am also experiencing infertility and that just adds to the sadness. It is difficult because I was a stepchild and I thought I would be more prepared. The truth is, I am not. I have so many feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration. I even feel like I am an outsider and that Dh and his sons are their own family. Its a lonely feeling since I come from a family that is extremely close. I know you all understand when I say everything gets blamed on us stepparents. I feel at times my husb has more patience with BM and all her drama then with me as I learn how to navigate this new path I am on. I really need words of encouragement. I know you all can identify with what I am feeling. Trying to learn to love and help raise someone else's children has got to be the most difficult journey. I am hoping that it does in fact get easier with time. I almost feel as though the moment I married him, I kissed my chances of having a child goodbye.
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Reconsider...
having a child. Putting your energy into having a child or adopting a child will have a very rewarding outcome.
well
yes i was severly depressed allt he way through my relationship when the children where involved. now we have split im on the up and starting to come of my meds for depression
the feelings seem typical of a stepmother so i would not worry that your not normal honey you are defo not alone i know a lot of ladies on here are still feeling these so hang in and remember boudaries will be your best friend
I understand and sympathize
I understand and sympathize 100%. My last blog was about considering not to have a child until SD is 18 for a lot of reasons, one of them being financial. It kills me that I have finally found a good, decent man who treats me well that I know will be a good father and husband, who has a good job and wants to have a baby, but he can't even afford an engagement ring for me, b/c considering the CS, he makes far less than I do.
Let alone a house payment, the ability for ME to stay home and raise our child, anything like that. I work 2 jobs, and pay for just about any of the "extras" I want in life. We leave for vacation tomorrow, and I paid for the whole thing so far b/c I'll be damned if I sacrifice one nice vacation a year b/c he can't afford it b/c of BM.
Don't get me wrong, one of the reasons I can trust him to be a good father and husband is how much he loves and supports SD, and I would never begrudge him supporting her financially or in any other way. However when BM is remarried, sleeps til noon every day, and is sitting on her ass all day long popping out more kids repopulating the planet, meanwhile his 1K a month CS buys SD handmedown clothes, ramen noodles and microwave pizza and a mattress on the floor for a bed, and the priviledge of doing all the laundry, dishes, and cleaning at BM's house, something is very very wrong.
I guess the silver lining for us, and perhaps eventually for you too, is that SD is sick of this. She's tired of being a maid, tired of being a second class "step child" in her mother's new family. Tired of coming last there, tired of watching her new siblings get showered with gifts, while she gets nothing. So now she wants to come live with us. When we come back from vacation, we're serving BM with custody papers, knowing full well she's going to fight tooth and nail over it, not b/c she wants to keep SD, but b/c she wants to keep the paycheck. Hopefully the judge will see that, b/c SD sure does, as does her dad and I.
Perhaps your situation will get there too, as the kids get older. I don't even care if she never gives us a dime in CS. If we're not bleeding money every month, we'll have the house we need and the financial freedom to do what we need in no time, including have a baby if we deem it appropriate. I do worry for SD, and how she'll feel if that happens, but one thing we've promised her about that is that we will do the responsible thing, and wait until we can provide for EVERYONE in our family, not just the new addition, before taking that step....
Good luck to you, I know I get a lot of support here, even just reading the posts of others, knowing I'm not alone...
I hear ya sister
I'm in the same boat. I came into this with my eyes wide open...it's my second marriage to a guy with kids, only exH had a very young daughter and this time I get two teen boys. I knew alot of the pitfalls because of having the exH, but nothing could have prepared me for what goes on. It seems like dh and bm have a tight relationship and I feel like the intruder most of the time. When we first started dating, she'd burst into his house in the middle of our dinner and she'd yell at him, grab kids and their stuff, feed the dog, etc...it was so overwhelming, there were many times I'd just leave crying and dh would look at me stupidly like he couldn't possibly fathom why I was upset. In his mind, they were divorced, he didn't love her, and she was just coming round to handle the things they had agreed upon. To me, it was like they weren't really, truly divorced from one another and I was some intruder....alot of the time it made me feel like some whore who'd gotten caught when the wife came home. I felt sick about it alot.
So much of what you've said rings true for me too. With two teens who are active in sports, we don't have extra money...but dh would like to have another kid, with me this time. But I don't see where we're going to be able to pay for it, plus I have some issues from the abuse I received in my first marriage so I probably won't be able to get pregnant and we will either have to adopt or have a surrogate....dh is cool with it because he was adopted. But a child would be a huge financial burden to us in any case...and I always, always put his kids first because that is how it is supposed to be.
So yeah, I get depressed. Alot of the time I feel it's hopeless and thankless, and that I am a complete failure for feeling this way.
There are bright spots and times when everything seems like it can be everything I've dreamed of...but then there are those other times....
I'm trying to see that we have more of the good times than bad. It's still super hard and I keep wondering if I'm cut out for the job, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.
You're not alone, you have friends here sweetie
As you can see from the
As you can see from the previous responses, Slipping Into Depression,
your feeling are very common. The truth is whether or not the child support payments limit your options or not, your spouse will be obligated to make those payments until his children are at least eighteen. Those children will always get the lion's share of support because they were his first family. This may well mean the ex-wife does not have to work while you may never get this option. This does not mean she is necessarily lazy; it simply means she has more options because her family has greater income. (And her husband's ability to support her has nothing to do with your husband's obligation to support his kids. She simply chose a man who is unsaddled with prior obligations or has a greater ability to provide for her.) To get your pantyhose in a bunch over this is fruitless. It will not change your husband's prior obligations nor give you any more money to spend on your own children. Or to put it another way, it is what it is. Your willingness to provide for you and your spouse's vacation is admirable. However, it seems as though you may grow weary of providing the extras for your family over time. Consider long and hard whether you want to have children with your spouse. If you do -- that's great! But remember if you and your spouse ever divorce, your children will only get a share of what's left of his income after his primary child support is paid.