I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm in the same boat as you only for 5 years..co-incidently the issues with princess SD & rose colored glasses Dad began to be a problem when she was 18 as well (almost 19) and moved in with us for 9 months or so.

I too think it is a guilt thing on Dad's part ...and like any child (she's kind of immature for her age..Dad will admit that)they will play their parents if an opportunity presents itself.

I'm hoping counselling will help in my situation...We had our intitial session and I just had my individual session. His is next week and then back together...THAT ONE SHOULD BE INTERESTING!

Counsellor did ask me. What if he doesn't change the way he treats her/you? What am I prepared to live with.....or not...bottom line. AND she told me that I need to take care of me in all this!

Other than that I don't know what to tell you...
How is your communication? Do you guys talk or does he just "defend" her at all costs? And did something happen at age 18 that changed your relationship with SD?

I'm hoping that getting all the issues on the table..with a "referee" so to speak...will help..it's my last resort. If it doesn't I have to look at my options.

I told counsellor...this SD being #1 and the adult relationship being 2nd ..may have helped wreck his first marriage, it will wreck ours...and his next relationship after me..and the one after that..and so on. I'd rather he figured it out now with me...than 5 women later and 10 years down the road..

How did your husband react when you told him that you didn't want her in your home anymore?

My BF got angry with me one time and told me his daughter was #1 and I was #2...she wins I lose...his words. That was pretty hard to hear. I think they will defend their daughters no matter what it cost them. I also think they do feel guilty and are afraid to say anything because if they do than darling daughter may not love them anymore.

Like, Lovin-Life, my Therapist also asked me what I was prepared to live with if things didn't change...that is a good question. I don't have an answer yet.

I could never say I don't want her in my home anymore..even if that's how I felt. It was all kind of new to me...I had never had to live with a teenager. and I really bent over backwards to make her feel welcome in my home.

She started out sleeping on the couch in our rec room. I didn't think that was good enough for a girl her age...so I took hubby to the nearest home reno store..and bought a french door..made some alterations and put a door & lock on to the room so she could have some privacy. I then took apart my son's bunk beds.and had him put the bed in the room for her....I bought brand new bedding & comforters for her..The rec room become her bedroom/apartment.. only we used it in the evenings for TV and computer..when she was mostly out.

She had no closet for her clothes....so I took every thing out of our downstairs linen closest..installed extra shelves..so she could have a closet of her own.

When clothes were still thrown everywhere..we purchased a $1000 buffet with shelves to be used as extra storage space for her room in addition to the closet.

Every time I bought groceries I made sure her favorite foods were included. I tip toed around my own home...to make sure SHE felt welcome.

Several months ago when discussing issues with oldest SD...I was told...If them or me..it's me all the way. But that was in the context of that situation...that child is not blood..that child was adopted by him. The rules (?) seems to be different for the "blood" child in comparison to the adopted & steps as far I can see.

I have to say ...if someone asked me if I had to choose my children over some guy....I might say my children too.. But it is a different kind of relationship...not compariable to a loving couple relationship. I think the guys think it has to be all or nothing...the primary adult relationship does not have to come second. The parent child bond is a strong one...but most old happy married couples have put the relationship 1st and have provided a united front in dealing with offspring. That's why they perservere for 40 50 60 years and are still happy & loving.

That's the place I want to get to......

I was thinking about your dilemma and I was wondering, is it possible for your husband to go visit his daughter instead of her coming to see him?

Corey, You are experiencing the same problem I have with my boyfriend's daughter. She can do no wrong in his eyes, and he does whatever she wants. We had an argument one time and he told me I was #2. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, unfortunately, I don't.

They are guilty fathers overcompensating for many reasons. They are "parenting by guilt" when they should be parenting "as if" they were still together in the relationship.

One thing I would do is stop being the middleman when someone has a problem with his daughter. They need to tell him and he needs to hear it directly from them.

I have decided to let it go for now and I'm trying to focus on my relationship with my boyfriend. I also realize, for me, that soon I'm going to have to make the decision to stay or go.

Maybe I'm not the best person to respond because this hits too close to home for me, but if you need to vent, I'm willing to listen.

I can see my current situation heading down this path. I live with my b/f and his now 17 yr old daughter. She is spoiled rotten, and that is being mild. When i first moved in, she was very welcoming and sociable. She began to ask me to pick her up at school, take her places, go shopping, etc, instead of asking her dad. She did her share of bad mouthing him to me, which i immediately corrected because she has the world handed to her on a silver platter by him. Well as time went on and I continued to confront her on some things, (lies that I knew about, but her father did not), she began to distance herself from me. Then she stepped it up. She began to take my car at night, while i was sleeping, until the night we caught her. She did not have her license at that time. I was pissed as hell that she stole my car...huge violation of trust and boundary issues for me, but i was not allowed to discuss it with her. She was not held accountable and was not disciplined at all. She used that time to cause problems between her father and I, which infuriated me even more, now i was pissed at both of them and since then it has gone down hill. It has been 6 months and in that time he bought her a picture cellphone, which she lost within a week, while being out past curfew...he went and bought her another phone...and stillwas not reprimanded for breakig curfew. He bought her a $13,000 car that she scratched up within a week, was caught being out at 4 a.m., snuck out after being caught, is driving all over hell without his knowledge and he doesnt want to know about it when I try to tell him....the list goes on and on and on. I have heard her on the phone telling friends how she is plotting to get rid of me, etc. SHe does not want anyone around her "daddie" except herself. She even attempts to sabatoge what little relationship he has with his older daughter...who by the way moved out of the house unexpectedly to go live with biomom. hmmmmmmm i wonder why she left. This little 17 yr old princess does NO wrong. WHen she stole my car, he chalked it up to "typical teenager behavior", "shes a good kid", My response? "Good kids do not steal cars". SHe and I have not spoken for 6 months. I feel bad for him, but hell, its his problem too. She is a damn brat and has done more to undermine me than he is aware of. I don't share it with him because he doesn't want to hear it, doesn't believe it. I have basically learned to ignore her and her games, ie: fliritng with her father (ewwwwww), interrupting our conversations, walking into the bedroom without knocking, etc etc. I have learned to focus on my relationship with him instead. He and I get along great until it comes to her. SHe will be leaving for college and I was hoping that would be a new start of some peace and quiet without lies and deceit. Looks like i am wrong. I have some soul searching to do to decide what i am willing to put up with. I certainly do not want to live my life competing with his child for his attention. That's just sick and twisted. She apparently will never be held accountable and i need to decide if i will stick around. Thanks for the eye opener !!

In my particular case, the child rules the roost. Heaven forbid she gets mad.

I'm more at peace with things lately, I'm not seeing the same behaviour from hubby or SD that I have in the past. Could it be that...I'm not actively looking for it either!! Or could it be that..things have been shaken up a little and everyone has re-evaluted what they were doing? Little of both?

We are focusing on each other. We've taken up walking together...to hang out away from the TV & computer, get in shape, de-stress. We're supposed to find 'new' things to do..'date'..etc. We are such creatures of habit..that's all we've come up with..lol We need to work on that more..but we are having fun with each other.

We went to the show with SD & Fiancee this weekend...that was good. Had turkey with them on Sunday..that was good.

I'm just not focusing any energy on anything else...just enjoying the moment!

I'm like Bobbi (SD)& Fearless (X & In-laws)..and so many others in that..I don't want to give him up. The situation may not be 100% to my liking, but there is sooooo much good in the mix that I'm not willing to let go.

Change your response to things.....sometimes easier said than done. But it really does work!!! I don't know if I could have done it without him meeting me in the middle as far as wanting to stay happily together.

We still haven't resovled our initial argument over SD letting my daughter play against my wishes....but we've (I've) dropped it. We don't see eye-to-eye...probably never will.

I don't understand his 'defense' of her and he doesn't understand my 'attack' of her....but we have to learn how to agree to disagree. The counsellor...sees both sides...and both perspectives ...she says we each have valid points of view. I have to accept her unbiased, unemotional, proffesional opinion and learn to agree to disagree...for the sake of everything else that is wonderful in our relationship....

(Although I think I'm right....and he's wrong.....lol!! )

We don't live under the same roof of SD...so it's not so in-my-face as some of you...

And I think she truely wants us to stay together....I think the possibility of us breaking up....opened her eyes a little. Way back when she may have wanted us split..and some of her behaviour was maybe a carry over or 'habit'

I love the...don't give them the satisfaction of 'yanking your chain'..type advice. It really is true..don't let them 'rent space inside your head' as someone else put it....keep that space free for all your 'happy, peaceful thoughts' .

PS
The happier WE are together...the more time WE want to spend together...the tighter WE are as a couple..the more thoughtful, nurturing and all those wonderful things that go with that.

If all you do is bitch & complaint (me)or act like a bone-head (him)...in all reality...who wants to be around that? It makes sense, and it can start by changing your reponses. (tip-start really small) Oh and something Nise said a way back helped me too...she will still make him supper..even if she's mad at him. It made me think...If during our huge blow-up ..if he had stopped and gave me a hug or a kiss..that would have diffused things soooooo much. It would have taken a different turn. Well, ya know!! I could've done the same thing...with probably the same result. I have to look at how I respond, my anger, my reactions to things said & done...its not always about me. So I'm trying to not loose sight of 'our underlying baggage' and how it affects us & our relationship...he has his own defense mechanisms..as do I. We have to learn to work with our/each others imperfections..for the greater good and our happiness!

He has different life experiences than me...and as a result we think differently on some issues. I think I can live with that!!