How to disengage without hurting SO.
After the last few months I HAVE to disengage. I am DONE. I am now being accused of ABUSE. I have never even raised my voice at the little brat let alone my hand. The problem is SO guilts me into doing everything because he "can't". He's working to keep us afloat. So I end up taking care of her the majority of the time and her mom is very unreliable. She is always cancelling the few times she does plan on taking her. I have raised this girl for 2 1/2 years, pouring my heart and soul and time, money, energy out on her. I have given her a place to live, her own room, and a great home life. Yet, this is how I am repaid. So I need to disengage. But that means putting SO in a horrible position. Like, not being able to get to his job, and having to pay for a babysitter type situation. But I don't know what else to do. This REALLY is not a reflection of SO it is a reflection of SD11 and her horrible mother. How do I talk to him about this without making him feel personally attacked. I want to be a team with him and help him but I can't with her anymore. My mom went as far as to say I will be putting him in an impossible situation. She think we won't be able to live together. And honestly I think it's time for him to pack her up and drop her off on the curb in front of her mother's house. She is beyond help at this point. I am absolutely DONE. Please help me. How do I make this about what it is? This is about SD11's HORRID behaviour to me which I know is stemmed from BM. It's not about SO and anything he has done wrong.
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What has SO's response been
What has SO's response been up to this point when confronted with SD's behaviors?
He talks, he grounds, he
He talks, he grounds, he threatens, he takes things away, he makes her apologize. Nothing works because BM undo's anything he does. That and when she's a butthead to me that means daddy takes her upstair and she gets his undivided attention, even if it is negative.
Yeah I think that makes it
Yeah I think that makes it even harder for you .. because he's not ignoring/enabling/defending the behaviors. He's TRYING to help fix it.
But if whatever he's not doing is not working, it shouldn't fall to you to deal with either.
Have you mentioned anything about your intentions to him yet?
A little and he FREAKED. So I
A little and he FREAKED. So I told him to calm down and we will talk about it this weekend. I need to figure out how to make it clear this is NOT about him. He works hard and I appreciate everything he is doing for our family but I am DONE. I will not be accused of abuse every again. I know that he can't and shouldn't treat his kid like I want him. I think he is way too focused on her and lenient with her but then I think how would I handle my own daughter. And I would do the same. I wouldn't want to be coming down on her every second of every day. I am just not ok with being treated like shit anymore. I don't care who instigates it.
So what's the deal with the
So what's the deal with the BM? It sounds like DH has primary custody. Does he get any child support?
Is there any family/friends around that could help him out?
It's tough when money limits the options. If he can't afford a babysitter and doesn't have anyone willing to help out for free or cheap, then BM needs to step up.
If you've been caring for this child for a long time until now, then it will seem sudden and harsh for you to withdraw all support now. You need to explain to him very clearly why you feel the way you do, and while you appreciate everything he does and how hard he works, it does not justify you feeling abused and taken advantage of.
SO is custodial parent, but
SO is custodial parent, but he allows BM to be involved. So she decides on a whim what and how much she will do. No she does not pay child support. And we recently discovered she is getting welfare and food stamps saying SD lives with her. Which is totally untrue but DHS won't do shit about stopping her. He has some family that will provide minimal help. And yes, it is high time BM step up. She only wants the holidays and the chuck e cheese outings, she wants nothing to do with anything that requires responsibility. She even says I need to take her to dr appt and dentist and such. The really messed up thing, we tried to get her on our health insurance that's when we found out about her being on medicaid and food stamps and welfare. So the only way we can take her to the dr is to pay OUT OF POCKET. But when SD needs medical care BM is no where to be found or "doesn't feel comfortable" taking her to those appts. Its a totally unacceptable situation. I will take your advice and try to think of a way to withdraw my support and explaining why.
P.S. He has 3 kids from 2
P.S. He has 3 kids from 2 moms. My SS5 and SD3 are awesome kids. I am more than willing to do anything and everything whenever they need. BM2 is a dream, she expects nothing and is always very appreciative and supportive of me. So I know how I good situation feels and how it should be. That is going to be the trickiest part. When the other steps are here, they will be allowed to come with me and do stuff with me and she will not. But she needs to learn she cannot disrespect me and my house and still get the rewards. She will flat out back talk me and does not listen to me at all.
I just re-read the part where
I just re-read the part where you said he guilts you into taking care of SD .. that should not be happening either. You did not create this child, this child is not your responsibility.
I know! Its more I feel
I know! Its more I feel guilty when he is frustrated and needs to get to work so he can pay the bills and/ or can't afford to pay a babysitter because we have the mortgage coming up. I don't think he intentionally makes me feel like I have to but thats how I feel.
I do this to myself too. I
I do this to myself too.
I work from home, my kids come home after school since I am here working so now his come here too - he can't understand why its ok for mine to come home since i am here but not ok for his and any talk on the topic I feel guilty because the truth of the matter is I don't have a great reason not to let them other than 4 kids is not like 2 kids and I don't feel that his kids are my responsibility and they should go to THEIR mom's house with their bio parent.
Yes this is their house too but that shouldn't automatically force me into being the free babysitter.
My kids are in my control meaning when working I can kick them out without walking on eggshells and keep things working. His kids are not within my control, so I don't feel that I can be as direct with them, kick them out, tell them to SHUT UP if I am on the phone etc - however, its like my bios never need that - they respect my working, add 2 more kids and its a nut house.
I've dealt with that one with
I've dealt with that one with DH and SD. I had to sit DH down and explain to him that when he goes into SD's room and talkes to for 20 minutes about whatever it is she has done wrong, that SD has stopped listening 2 seconds into the convo and the only thing that she sees is it's one on one time with daddy. I have told him that he needs to be fast and to the point. That a part of the punishment is denying her any daddy attention.
The way you have to look at punishments for difficult children is taking away what they love the most. For SD in our case, it's attention. She can kick, scream, and cry all she wants but she's not getting any attention for it. If that's what she wants she needs to figure out positive ways of getting it because the negative ways just aren't going to work anymore.
How are you being accused of
How are you being accused of abuse? If someone has filed a complaint against you then that should be all you need for a way to back out. If your DH cares about what could happen to you if charges are pressed then he should be willing to do what ever he needs to do to make sure you are not in a position to be blamed for abuse. And if that means that he has to hire a nanny to watch his kid, that is what he will need to do.
This is exactly my point. So
This is exactly my point. So far only BM talking sh*t. And SD11 has done this before. So my SO says, " I know what it's like and they took her away and never touch my son so our daughter is fine." But she's not mine. I have no patience or forgivness or tolerance. Thanks for the advice and I have to say I agree.
Well, it's our daughter
Well, it's our daughter together so I'm not worried about that. And even if he ever left me he would not/ could not take my girl away from me. She is a momma's girl and he knows it. It would not last 1 day with her.
Abuse allegations are tough.
Abuse allegations are tough. I can understand why you feel the way that you do. BM has recently lied to me about SD telling her that I hit her with a brush. SD denies ever saying anything like that to BM and I believe her.
Before it came to light that BM was lying I was going to install some hidden cameras around the house that also recorded audio. I found a set of four that were around $150.00. They all fed into one picture which would then be recorded and stored on an external hard drive. The nice thing about all four cameras feeding into one picture on the computer was that it takes up less space. They can also be setup on a timer so that they automatically shut off when you and SD are not at home and turn back on when you guys are. You can set them up to where they are motion activated for the evenings when everybody is supposed to be asleep. It also shows the date and times on the images while it's recording. We have the Skids every other week for a total of 14 days a month. Given my calculations, I would need to replace a two terabyte hard disk every six to eight months, depending how much I recorded. You then date the hard disk and replace it with a new one ones the rom has been maxed out. Then store the old hard disk where SD can't get a hold of it. It's doable and would come in handy if BM wants to keep throwing out any allegations. Plus if SD messed with the cameras she would be caught on the recording doing so. As long as the cameras aren't in any bathrooms or bedrooms you're not violating anybodies privacy and with the audio, even if you can't see it you'll still be recording the sound. So if you go into SD's bedroom and ask her something and then leave and SD tries to turn around and say that you hit her or yelled at her depending on where the camera is setup you can record the fact that it never happened.
Just a thought.