Why do we stay in these situations
Where we hate/resent skids, we hate/resent bm (which unfortunately can spill over to the sks), where DHs are guilty parents, where dh let's bm or mil call all the shots and refuses to stand up for his kids against them, where we fight with DHs when sks are here (that's not good for the kids either) or where nothing is truly being done to help these kids improve their lives and behaviors?
Bonus question: do you think the kids can pick up on how we feel about them and that causes them stress and to act out more? I think they do. And it is so sad when the kids hear us fighting with our DHs because then they know how the sm truly feels about them. And that's hard for someone under 18. I guess I feel that at 18+, we have free rein to let these people have it fully. But for kids, especially younger ones, that stuff is hard.
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Ps- the latter paragraph
Ps- the latter paragraph wasn't meant to hurt anyone. However, like Don Henley said, I think kids have excellent bs detectors and can sense when someone truly doesn't like them.
"These guilty spineless Dad
"These guilty spineless Dad often end up doing so much damage to their kids."
Ain't that the truth!
I never would have gotten
I never would have gotten into a serious relationship with DH if I had hated his daughter, who was 5 when we started dating (she is now 21). I don't totally trust her or respect the decisions she has made but I don't hate her.
Honestly, I'm pretty sure my husband would not have wanted a relationship with me had I hated his daughter. What kind of parent would want to subject their child to that?
My husband was never a Disney Dad and his parenting did not change just because he & BM divorced, so I was very lucky in that respect.
I knew BM was a psycho bitch, but my husband swore to me he would never let her use SD to manipulate him and he proved that very soon in our relationship and stuck to it. Had he let her call the shots, we probably would not be together. I don't see the point of being in a relationship with someone if you have no say.
Kids can definitely sense how others feel about them and that does add to the stress and behavior issues. I think divorce, and parents dating and re-marrying is confusing for them because they don't understand their "place" in the family anymore. The family is now different, their life is different, and in a lot of cases, they are being treated different by one or both parents. Everybody just thinks that kids are resilient and they will adjust but how many actually sit down with their kids and have a conversation with them about what is going on, what is expected of them and exactly what role this extra person plays in their life? Yes, they are kids but I think they deserve a little more than "this is just the way it is". Yes, they are resentful. Can we blame them? We are resentful about them and the exes, and we are adults and should know better.
"Yes, they are kids but I
"Yes, they are kids but I think they deserve a little more than "this is just the way it is". Yes, they are resentful. Can we blame them? We are resentful about them and the exes, and we are adults and should know better."
Agreed. 100%.
I think it is hard on the
I think it is hard on the SK's, and I mostly blame their behavior on the way their parents act (guilty parenting, disney dad, etc). I stay in my relationship because I found a good man (so hard to find) we have a daughter together, I love him, and the good outweighs the bad. Sometimes, I just need to vent, so I use this site and feel better, it's a safe haven where people won't judge you because we all have something in common. I used to be horrified at myself for having these feelings about SD, but now I just accept them. I treat her pretty good, make sure she is safe and has what she needs. Can she pick up that I favor my own daughter over her? Probably. But the way I see it, she has a mom and a dad already,who both love her very much, so I feel she is far from suffering from lack of love. Honestly, I don't love her, sometimes I don't even like her, but I still treat her good for my husband's sake.
Looking back, everything was
Looking back, everything was not the same as it was now, that's for sure. Skid was fine when SO and I first started dating. The longer the relationship went on, the more skeletons came out. I specifically remember before we lived together he would send me pictures of skid and I would be like "Oh, that is sooo cute! What an adorable child!" Now, if he sent a picture I would most likely just delete it and only reply to it with a smiley face because there would be no positive words I could put together. A lot of things changed when I came into the picture, and I guess for a child who's mom abandoned her at the age of 3, didn't know how to deal with it.
I stay in my situation solely
I stay in my situation solely because I love my BF, he is a great man, loves me and treats me and my son great. He doesn't let/allow bm and skid to run the show or come between us. He is not the typical "Disney/Guilty Daddy" that we so often read about on here. He knows my true and honest feelings about his kid and he accepts, respects, and understands them. He doesn't expect anything from me in regards to his kid and he KNOWS that HIS KID is HIS problem!!!
I absolutely hate being with a man that has a kid and ex in the picture, for so many obvious reasons (ridiculous cs, drama, bullshit, dealing with someone elses bad choices, etc) been there done that HATED it before and still do, BUT if it were not for him being the great man that he is I would certainly have never given him a chance or I would have left a long time ago!!! I know many people would call that settling, and truth be told it is settling. This is not what I want for my life, I don't want to deal with someone elses bratty crotch dropping for the rest of my life and have to see/deal with a stupid gold digging whore xw, who the fuck would honestly want that life? But like I said if it weren't for my BF being the man that he is to me and my son I would have told him and his situation to pound sand!!!
Don't you think, though, that
Don't you think, though, that kids can pick up on how others (especially adults) feel about them? I really think kids can tell when we don't like them, even when we are being nice to them. And I think that just makes them act out even more. In my eyes, that seems to happen frequently with the skids written about on this site. They sense how we really feel about them (even if we are being nice to them). That can really hurt a kid.
I'm not saying this to be mean to you or anyone else so I apologize if this was offensive. I just believe that their sensing how we really feel about them, despite how nice we are to their faces, is a big part of why so many skids act out.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from but there are some situations where it maybe can't be helped?
I won't say I "hate" my SK's because I don't. However, they delight(ed) in hurting me at every opportunity. They were never overtly verbal to me, or physically aggressive, but their other behaviors -- ignoring me, always calling their mom to come over when they were here (or when we were other places, like a theme park, grandparents' home, etc), reporting stuff back to BM that wasn't accurate (like we didn't have any food in the house, so they went hungry all weekend). Their behaviors were enabled by DH and BM (she'd actually show up when we were at my DH's parents' house, and she actually showed up one time when we went to an amusement park) and many years later they still play the game. I disengaged to save myself, my kids, and our sanity. But now they boo-hoo because I "ignore" them, and tell the BM they know I hate them because of it.
I'd feel guilty if I didn't like them and their behaviors and didn't have a good reason. But at some point in time the SK's also need to realize THEIR behaviors have consequences.
I see and understand what you
I see and understand what you are saying and where you are coming from Anon. I am sure that kids pick up on those kinds of feelings and they CHOOSE to act accordingly - good or bad. Of course when they become old enough to know better I believe they are FULLY responsible for their choice of actions and how they treat others. And if the skid treats the SM like dog shit or causes drama or is a total brat etc. FIRST and gives her plenty of reasons not to like him/her then how they get treated and how the SM feels about them is a result of the choices that they made!
I didn't start off in this relationship feeling this way towards skid. It was like a light switch went off when skid gave me an attitude one day and I have disliked him and chose to never be around him ever since and my BF is ok with this and accepts it.
Honestly, I don't care if his son likes me or knows that I don't like him. I am not with my BF for anyone else but HIM and for how we feel about eachother. My BF loves me even DESPITE my feelings towards/about his son. He knows why I don't like him and want to be around him because he too sees how his kid can be and is. He is like a clone of his douchebag "mother". This kid is 11, 10 when I started dating my BF. So he KNOWS better! So I really don't feel bad for the way I feel nor do I care if him and BM know that I don't like him or want to be around him. ALL that matters is that my BF is ok with it. Their thoughts and opinions on the matter do not matter to me because I am not in a relationship with them.
Skid comes over to see HIS father, spend time with HIS father, NOT me. IMHO, it is irrelevant if skid likes me or I like skid. This relationship is between me and my BF and unless my BF and I are not treating eachother right or he isn't treating my FT BS8 right then who cares how skid (who BF barely sees and has - EOWE) and I feel about eachother. We are human, we are not always going to like/love everyone that comes in and out of our lives, whether they are your spouses kid or not. That is just the way things are. Maybe someday I will like his kid, who knows. But for now I don't like him and choose not to be around him and it WORKS for my BF and I and that is all that matters to me and us.
IMHO.
Yes, you are right Anoon,
Yes, you are right Anoon, they can pick up on it. I too, do not hate my SD, but since she started junior high we haven't had much of a relationship really, and honestly, I really don't enjoy being around her. Im not sure if she feels the same way about me, but as she gets older she sees me more as competition than an adult to go to with her needs, which is unfortunate. I used to lay awake at nights wondering how to change this, but now I've just accepted that I cannot force her to love or respect me. So yeah, I have kind of disengaged, at least emotionally.