Were not gonna to take it
Hello there 
We were facing a new tactic of me disengaging from my 15 year old SD. That was going to take place on the next visit when DH was going to visit SS & SD for the day as I would stay behind. Well it didn't seem fair to SS, DH, & I to alter our plans due to SD being physically aggressive towards me during these visits. Needless to say, I had the urge to punish my DH for allowing this to carry on. The only action I took personal towards my DH was that I felt that he was taking her out & about to full fill his duty as a parent though SS & I would be affected by it. I was feeling like I was being selfish with these emotions & didn't see how the plan we had was going to help her or make her regret her ways. The last time DH called to talk his his kids, she wouldn't even pause the game to talk with her dad. And truth is, DH didn't even want to take his daughter out either.
Well DH & I talked this out.. He suddenly threw out an idea that about knocked me off the chair. Earlier in the weekend he had made a post, after seeing replies from others as total outsiders to him..it had him thinking in a few different ways. He found it helpful coming here & a sense of security within that he has not felt in a real long time. So he suggest to me during our chat of visitation that maybe he should go there alone, pick up his daughter, take her to a coffee shop or a cafe somewhere, sit away from others, & give her a wake up call. Let her know that he is not stupid as she thinks he is, how her attacking others is her getting back at her dad (whatever her reasoning is-we don't know)& he knows what she is up to, & a few other issues that he has on his mind about her & her ways in life. After their good talk, DH wants to drop her off, pick up his son, & bring him down here for a fun visit. He seems strong/proud about this & its a win win for everybody.
Now he does realize that there are other issues that he needs to work on for getting his daughter the help she needs but enough of the acts of violence from her. Thank you guys for helping him see the light, giving your thoughts on people who have Aspergers, & stopping one parent from letting a diagnosis be an excuse.
Feel free to give input, suggest further ideas, tell us that were taking this route the wrong way/how & why, or send a smiley face for two thumbs up. Thank you all for being there!!!
Also, after DH brings his son
Also, after DH brings his son back, he would then spend an hour or two visiting his daughter as she cleans her room at her mothers. The mother will support that but it will give them a chance to further talk after she had the weekend to think about their original conversation they had at the coffee shop or cafe. All DH's idea
I think this is a good start.
I think this is a good start. However, the acts of violence may not stop until she gets the help she needs. If bm isn't agreeing to get her more help, he may have to pursue a legal route. Not to get custody, but to get her into intense counseling, a program for troubled teens, or a mental hospital. A talk won't cease the violence overnight but it is a step in the right direction. And I think dh needs to let SD know he loves her unconditionally, but is disappointed in her because he knows she can be better than this. And she needs to know and see that he's not going to walk away from her or quit trying to get her the help she desperately needs.
Thank you. DH intends to see
Thank you. DH intends to see her therapist, maybe now that this person has been working with SD for some time now..we want to get the therapists latest input with SD, ask questions in seeking where we can go next or who to take SD to, & mostly learn what the dad can do though the BM is of no help. We had her in a mental institution already & that sadly turned into a dead end as did the other routes we have tried too. The BM is against doctors/social services/counseling n such & avoids them at all costs. That has been a challenge in getting SD help. She is in therapy due to the school stepping in. As for legal action, we need to look further into it being we do not know how to go about that yet.
Knowledge is power
I think this is great! Maybe
I think this is great! Maybe it is enough to wake her up about her behavior. I do not know about the going in BM's house. To me that is not enough boundaries with the ex. But, if BM supports that may help.
She need to see she doesn't get rewarded for bad behavior. Make sure to have lots of fun with SS and then it gets back to her.
Appreciate your thoughts.
Appreciate your thoughts. Boundaries between the birth parents has not been an issue with either of them. Both birth parents have moved on from one another & accept the divorce & having kids together. The problem lies with issues that my SD has. Issues that have gone on for too long & its not looking good for SD's future. DH & I have tried to get her help back when she lived with us but nothing seemed to be of help. The birth mother is not being active in getting her daughter the help she needs.
To be exact, my SD has Aspergers which has been diagnosed & I believe that she too has maybe a conduct disorder- shes aggressive with people, abuses animals, skips school or refuses to cooperate in class, anti social, don't follow rules even simple ones, manipulates like a pro, lies nonstop, bullies/intimidates others, sexually abusive, & much more. All started at a young age & has became worse as time goes on.
So we have been coming here seeking ideas to get SD help, remain sane during this, & keep others safe in dealing with her. Some of it is out of her control & some of this is her bad attitude. Dangerous combination if she does not get the help she needs.