In-laws' relationship with BM
I'm curious about how other SMs out there negociate the in-laws/BM relationship.
I tend to stay out of it, but DH doesn't like how his parents each maintain a relationship with BM. For example, BM is a hairdresser and MIL gets her hair done by BM (and has I guess since SD13 was born). I try to ignore the fact that they are both terrible gossips and there is zero doubt in my mind that they have discussed me on many occasions, so it doesn't really bother me (who can help themselves really?) However, DH thinks that it is disrespectful to me that MIL has maintained a relationship with BM for so long. MIL has even followed BM from salon to salon, whenever BM gets a new job, even if it is a long drive. MIL's reasoning is that she would rather pay BM to do her hair than someone else because then she feels it will benefit SD. The only argument against that is that BM uses all her own money for herself (cell phone, tablet, ereader, fancy cameras, JEWELRY, clothes, etc.) and doesn't use it for SD. CS plus her current husband support all the kids (they have 2 together), including SD. It's to the point that her husband has to work 2 jobs just to pay the house bills, but that is their problem I guess.
I think because DH knows how gossipy both ladies are, he doesn't want his mom sharing personal information about our lives with BM (and he hates hearing everything about BM's life from his mom too - he really doesn't want to know) and he certainly doesn't want MIL to be talking about me, especially to BM, since BM may take the opportunity to influence MIL in the wrong way.
As for FIL, he has a heart of gold. When BM calls DH to ask him for more money for something, he says that what he pays in CS should cover it, and if not then BM needs to ask herself if it's really necessary (like when she wanted to buy SD an ipad). Seems reasonable right? Well instead of even considering not giving into SD's demands, BM will run to FIL for money and he is more than willing to oblige. He has doled out hundreds of dollars at a time, several times a year because BM asks him for it. (Well, she calls him up and says things like "SD really wants this, and she really deserves to have it but I just can't afford to give it to her. Can you buy it for her as a present?"). Also, she will call FIL to get him to babysit SD all the time, taking her for sleepovers or for a few hours after school, etc. We actually don't let FIL have SD over at his place for any length of time because he chain-smokes indoors and it's so hard to breathe in there, it's just wrong to make kids breathe that in. But BM will snap her fingers and FIL will come running to buy whatever she wants or do whatever she wants because he is so loving and wants to help everyone else out.
I'm of the opinion that MIL and FIL are adults and make their own decisions, and aside from asking MIL to just watch what she talks to BM about and warning FIL that BM may be taking advantage of his generosity, we really can't tell them what to do. DH is upset because he feels that they both should be civil but not do BM any favours, and by continuing to be "loyal" to her in a way they are somehow being disloyal to him/me. Should I feel betrayed by them as DH says or does it really not matter?
Anyone else have experience with in-laws continuing to have relationships with BM and if there are any negative repercussions to DH/SM? Is is "wrong" for them to do these things? Will it somehow affect me? I'm just wondering because DH seems so adamant, so maybe I'm missing something.
Any thoughts?
My ILs are THISCLOSE to Bm.
My ILs are THISCLOSE to Bm. They're so far up her ass, if they blink, her hair flutters.
BM attends holidays with them. (Her own family can't stand her.)
Following the divorce, they refer to her as their "daughter in LOVE" now that she isn't their daughter in LAW.
Whatever.
I don't ask the ILs to do or say anything. It's not my call. They're adults.
These people are all adults. Your DH brought BM into his family. Their divorce doesn't just boot her out. They are entitled to the relationships they choose.
I, for my part, don't choose to have my ILs around me all that much. Blech.
I don't think it is wrong for
I don't think it is wrong for in-laws to maintain good relationships with ex-in-laws provided the exes aren't complete losers and it doesn't extend to inviting exes to family celebrations that aren't about the kids. If they want to have bm do their hair, fine. If mil wants to take her out to lunch, that's her choice as an adult. But bm shouldn't be coming to the family Christmas party.
I can totally see why your dh would feel the way he does but I think that this is something he will have to come to accept. I think an adult telling or implying to another adult that they shouldn't be friends with someone is risky in many ways.
Yea my ILs (well technically
Yea my ILs (well technically not ILs cause we aren't married, but whatev, same thing)....are pretty close w/BM. It did bother me for a long time-only because inlaws refused to have anything to do w/me, SO or, our 2 kids (that are their biological grandkids as well). In 4 years, we went to their house ONCE (not invited we just showed up) and MIL went on and on about how bad she felt for BM (because poor BM had to work one day a week!!!!)......ridiculous.
But we've all made up and now see MIL and FIL a lot. They are still close w/BM (they are all same religion and go to church together). I do find it mildly annoying, but not terribly. I TOTALLY think BM takes advantages of the in-laws as well (she asks them to watch skids like 3 or 4 days a week). BUT, they are adults and can say "no" if they want to (they never do, and tend to kiss her ass a bit).
I don't quite understand why everyone caters to BM, but whatever, it is what it is.
My FIL is very much like your
My FIL is very much like your FIL, although MIL is can't stand BM either. It really bothers me that BM says jump and FIL asks how high? Mainly because she and her family are so obviously using him it is disgusting to watch. They are making SS think that FIL has to hand something over whenever he gets SS, to the point where SS immediately aks him (and us when we have him) where are you taking me today? What are you buying me?
It is even more disturbing because they are constantly tossing him to the curb when they no longer need him and picking him back up when they do and he just goes running back, "for SS." He can go MONTHS calling, asking to speak to SS and having BM and her family deny him even a phone conversation but then out of the blue they need a baby sitter or SS needs new shoes and BM already spent the CS money and BAM, FIL is in again. :sick:
My MIL doesn't really talk to
My MIL doesn't really talk to BM much. The last time I was with them she told me that she never understood why BM and DH got divorced in the first place. Then , when I came into the picture she finally saw how happy he was with me and realized her son was miserable. My husband is so good at covering things up but for even his family to say that to me makes me feel really good.
BM used to keep in a lot more contact with MIL but only because they have a really good income so she called when she needed money for crap my DH wouldn't pay for. Once we got married that quit also!