Um, so, I actually see this from your DH's point of view. I am always a proponent of "allowing" our spouse to be their authentic selves.
You thought you "had a conversation and it was agreed that there'd be no cable," BUT... that's not what it was for him.
He wanted to put cable in his kid's room. You prompted told him all the reasons why it was a bad idea, and then DH finally agreed to do it "your way" because you probably wouldn't get off of his ass until he did.
So, he "tells" you he agrees. All he's doing is trying to avoid the nagfest he knows is coming if he dares to disagree with you.
When you aren't looking, he goes and does exactly what he was planning on doing at the outset.

So, what did we learn here?
Your DH's authentic self is to allow his daughter cable in her room.
You intervened, talked, discussed, whatever.
He still did what he was going to do. You didn't change him. He doesn't want changing.

I can totally see why he thinks it's "your way or the highway."

The big question is: WHY do you care if the kid has cable???

DH and I went through this just recently. I put basic cable in my kids' rooms. It was free, and they already have flatscreens/DVD players. My DH got a little uppity about it. I didn't do what your DH did and just tell you what you wanted to hear, I stood my ground. Asked him why he had a problem with it. He just didn't think it was "necessary." Well, maybe it isn't necessary, but it costs nothing extra, and they're my kids. It's no skin off of his nose.

I just don't see why you (or he) cared about it at all.

I am in the camp of no tv in kids' rooms. And I agree that it was crummy of your DH to go about it that way. If he was set on doing it - then he should have let you have your say and then closed with "I understand and respect your feelings on this, but I'm still going to do this." Yeah you'd be peeved - but instead he let you find out (or hoped you wouldn't find out at all) sneaky sneaky is just plain icky.

BUT with that said - I'm with SAF on the "who cares?" if you DH doesn't care that his DD is rotting her brain out - why would you? She's treated you badly? so let her spend all her time in her room doing who knows what. Keeps her out of your hair - and truly 8 years of bad behavior isn't going to be resolved or not with the cable being allowed in her room.

I think you should take the cable bill and split by the number of TVs hooked up. Then ask him to pay for her portion (or at 12 she could be made to do some chores to pay for the privilege). THAT seems like an acceptable compromise.

To me, this is a lie. He said one thing then did another. I'd be livid.

I think here that the issue is not the t.v. in the SD's room. He's shown you now that your opinion on child rearing matters is not valued, so adopt the "not my kid, not my problem" mantra. Repeat as necessary.

No, you're problem is with your DH's level of comfort lying to you. *THAT* needs to be addressed.

If paying for it b/c it benefits the kid is the issue, he is now responsible for 2/3 of the bill. You will only pay 1/3 of it. If he doesn't pony up the rest and it's in his name, oh well. If he doesn't pony up and it's in your name, shut it off and let him get it turned on in his name; only pay him 1/3 the bill.

ETA: And no, don't tell her anything, just shut it off. Explaining adult situations in an age appropriate fashion is the job of a parental figure.

This is NOT about money or who pays the cable bill. It's aleady hard enough to feel like a partner to our DHs without all the "it's my kid, it's not my kid, it's his kid" rhetoric. I think the real problem here is the OP's husband is contributing to alienating her as a partner in parenting. Whether it's a blended family or a nuclear family, the parents need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and it's not fair at all to the SMs out there to have to take the back seat and have no say when it comes to parenting decisions. And how much kids watch tv these days is a HUGE parenting issue and most people have pretty strong opinions on the topic.

So, the real problem here is not simply money. It's the idea of being undermined by DH just because it is "HIS kid." That's complete BS, especially if the skids live with DH and SM full time. It's almost impossible to function as a somewhat regular family when the parents are saying "this is mine so butt out," or "that's yours so I could care less."

Side note: I love the idea of not caring at all if the skids rot their brains with tv. I love the idea of disengaging on that level. However, us SMs are constantly criticized on here for not caring enough about these poor skids and for not treating them like our own. So, which is it??

Unbelievable.
Women just HAVE to be right, no matter how wrong they are, simply because GOSH DARNIT, I SAID SO!!

Whatever, ladies.
Op pays the damn bill. The bill most likely isn't increasing. Her dh wanted to do something for HIS kid that is absolutely no skin off the op's nose except "she doesn't like it." Wah, wah, whatever.
Who cares?
Why bust his balls into submission? Let him be a damn man and make a decision for his own kid.
And... I'd reckon he wasn't "LYING" but rather agreeing, then changing his mind.

Good heavens. Why do women make their own lives so much more complicated?

No way in hell that's the intent of the OP! It's not just because she "doesn't like it." What in the world is wrong with being on the same page as your spouse when it comes to parenting?? I'd be pissed as hell if my BD's dad let BD have cable in her room. Why does the SM have zero say, until the skid needs to be mothered in all the warm fuzzy kinds of ways?

If you are completely and 100% against a 17 yo watching porn or drinking alcohol but your spouse isn't, then is there not a huge conflict in parenting expectations?! It is even worse when it's "Not your kid so let them do whatever the fuck they want." Us SMs are already the outsiders---oh, unless the bratty skid who is clearly NOT ours wants a damn hug or help with school!

Why is it wrong to not believe in kids having cable in their rooms?? I want my bios and skids to learn to interact and communicate rather than sit in their rooms becoming hermits. My opinion. But, why is that so wrong just because it doesn't agree with OP's DH??

Signed, Not a Ball Buster.

Good God, SAF, this whole "Not my kid, not your kid" thing is really what is creating more gaps in this bs blended family thing. It's already hard enough to try to make the kids feel part of a "unit" then we through the whole "mine and yours" thing in the mix.

Talk about making a complicated situation more difficult!

Not "through"--I meant THROW!!

I hate grammar & spelling mistakes. Fk me. It's late.

I think the cable in their rooms is fine. You can put parental controls on the TV for them not to watch R stuff or whatever you deem appropriate. This is a fight I would let go of. If you are paying the bill and he is not paying half, that is another issue. He needs to pay half of all expenses.

I assumed from your original post that you're a reasonable person, NOT "high on your horse," NOT a "pouter" and your response...LOVE it!

I also believed your original post showed that you actually care about your undeserving SD. I mean, I think I would have taken the easy way out by keeping SD out of our hair and watching tv her whole life. The fact that you're willing to disagree with your husband on parenting issues shows you care. People would be all over your ass telling you to be the adult, be a good parent, and make sure you guide SD and be a good role model, even though SD doesn't return the favor.

We get so many mixed messages & double standards that I hoped to contribute to an actual discussion about stepparenting. You point out some interesting things that I, as a parent, find interesting. For example, your experience with teaching and seeing the difference between kids who are glued to the tv and those who are not. Your post also opens some good discussion about the "my kid, not my kid" thing and how to find a balance. Wish there could more constructive dialogue on these types of things instead of all the bashing. I, for one, am really trying to find a stepparenting balance.

Just watch though, this thread will likely come to an abrupt end since most posters would rather be argumentative and only post where there's controversy or when the OP disagrees with them. Since you are open to posters' input, many of them will not try to continue on with a normal discussion.

Since she doesn't actually WATCH it but leaves it on for background noise...why not a radio instead? At least it doesn't use up as much electricity.

Or maybe he needs to be pitching in for the cable AND the electric bills!

What a disney/ostrich dad.

"There's no reason not to put the cable in there other than you don't like it." This has nothing to do with simply not liking it. It is a pretty big parenting issue, actually. Everyone has an opinion on what is a big deal in raising kids and what isn't a big deal. It's not your decision (SAF) whether having a tv in SD's room has no impact on SM. It does have an impact on SM when she is in the same house, in the same family, and her ideas and beliefs on parenting are being undermined. It's not a power struggle. It's a person trying to do the best in what she believes is the right thing to do in raising a child who she shouldn't even have to worry about or care for. OP is actually being very selfless. I would have been happy if DH would let SD sit in her room out of our way with cable tv. That's the easy thing to do. That would have no impact on SM. SM trying to stop cable in SD's room is actually the harder road to take.

Some people don't like the idea of spanking, while endless others argue that it's o.k. in certain parenting situations. To eat candy or absolutely no junk food...to take a bath every day or every other day...to go to bed at 8:00 every night or 10:00...these are all daily parenting decisions that may or may not have significant impact on the kids or the parents, YET, all parents still want to establish the boundaries and ALL parents have opinions on the matters. Just because YOU don't care if tv is in the kids' room, doesn't mean other DO care.

You will never convince a parent to change an opinion on how kids should/shouldn't be raised. When I was growing up, my friend's mom wouldn't let her watch tv on Sunday but her dad disagreed and could care less. Which parent is right? Neither! It's something they had to discuss together as parents, not go behind each other's back to avoid the topic! It's a matter of parenting opinions. If SM believes that having no tv in SD's room will actually (God forbid) HELP SD, then why does she have to shut her mouth and do whatever DH decides, even when he goes behind her back?

It actually breaks up an already broken blended family when the SM has to completely step aside. Sometimes, stepping aside IS the right answer. But in this case, it's a matter of 2 adults finding a happy medium on parenting decisions.

"There's no reason not to put the cable in there other than you don't like it." This has nothing to do with simply not liking it. It is a pretty big parenting issue, actually. Some people don't like the idea of spanking, while endless others argue that it's o.k. in certain parenting situations. To eat candy or absolutely no junk food...to take a bath every day or every other day...to go to bed at 8:00 every night or 10:00...these are all daily parenting decisions that may or may not have significant impact on the kids, YET, all parents still want to establish the boundaries.

You will never convince a parent to change an opinion on how kids should/shouldn't be raised. When I was growing up, my friend's mom wouldn't let her watch tv on Sunday but her dad disagreed and could care less. Which parent is right? Neither! It's a matter of parenting opinions. If SM believes that having no tv in SD's room will actually (God forbid) HELP SD, then why does she have to shut her mouth and do whatever DH decides, even when he goes behind her back?

It actually breaks up an already broken blended family when the SM has to completely step aside. Some