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Cable in SD's room

I am trying's picture

A while ago, I saw DH running a cable that was split from the one in our bedroom into the hallway. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was putting cable in SD12's room. I said I didn't think that was a good idea. We talked about it. I cited numerous studies that have shown the negative effects on children of having cable in their own room. The most pertinent one being a study where all students in our school board completed a survey about school and home life. A shockingly high number of students said that they wished that their parents would pay more attention to what they were doing, where they were going, who they were with, and particularly what they watch on TV, what video games they play, and what they do on the internet. They say those last 3 items have the biggest negative effect on them making poor decisions and getting into dangerous or harmful situations because they copy what they see or learn about things they shouldn't know, and then they get into situations where they are over their head and regret them. So anyways, after a discussion about who we really wanted to be as parents, DH agreed that he wouldn't put the cable in SD's room. A few weeks ago, we were downstairs when I heard a familiar tune coming from upstairs...here's how the conversation went:

Me: "Oh, I didn't know that SD's TV could pick up that channel."
DH: "I changed my mind and put the cable in her room a few months ago."
Me: "We talked about this and decided it wasn't a good idea."
DH: "Yeah, but it keeps her quiet and out of our hair."
Me: "Yes but didn't we agree that she needs to learn how to entertain herself?"
DH: "It's not hurting anyone."
Me: "That's not the point. I feel like you went behind my back after we made a parenting decision together. You've said many times you want me to be more involved in that, but now it seems that you don't really want my input since you are just making decisions on your own. If you did change your mind, that's ok but shouldn't you have brought the subject up with me again so we could talk about it?"
DH: "Yeah right, like you would ever listen to me, it's always your way or the highway. At least by not telling you I prolonged the amount of time before we inevitably had this fight."
Etc. Etc.

Is that not the most obnoxious thing you've ever heard?

The thing is, I do feel really strongly about children not having cable in their rooms. Internet too (though DH lets SD bring her tablet over and she uses our Wifi to do whatever she wants in her room with it and DH doesn't supervise it).

Also, SD has treated me pretty terribly for about 8 of the 9 years I've been in her life. I know this sounds petty, but I'm the one who pays the cable bill (and all the other bills for that matter) so I said to DH that if he feels really strongly that she should have the cable in her room, I don't want to be the one providing it for her (given the way she's treated me), so I want him to chip in and pay $20 of the bill per month (a fraction, trust me) so I won't have to feel like I'm letting her get away with all her lying about me and manipulating everyone and then rewarding her for it. (Most recently, about a month ago she texted DH 26 times within the first 4 days of our honeymoon even though she has hardly texted him before other than little things like what time her karate class is that week, etc. - obviously trying to take the focus off of me and us and put it all onto her. The texts became increasingly desperate too - very unbecoming.)

DH said that kids are all about trying to get what they can't have, and that now that she has cable, she doesn't even watch it, she just leaves it on in the background while she does other things. So on top of everything, she doesn't even enjoy or appreciate it? WTF? He said if I am really passionate about the situation then I can be the one to tell her...

I.can't.wait.

Comments

StickAFork's picture

Um, so, I actually see this from your DH's point of view. I am always a proponent of "allowing" our spouse to be their authentic selves.
You thought you "had a conversation and it was agreed that there'd be no cable," BUT... that's not what it was for him.
He wanted to put cable in his kid's room. You prompted told him all the reasons why it was a bad idea, and then DH finally agreed to do it "your way" because you probably wouldn't get off of his ass until he did.
So, he "tells" you he agrees. All he's doing is trying to avoid the nagfest he knows is coming if he dares to disagree with you.
When you aren't looking, he goes and does exactly what he was planning on doing at the outset.

So, what did we learn here?
Your DH's authentic self is to allow his daughter cable in her room.
You intervened, talked, discussed, whatever.
He still did what he was going to do. You didn't change him. He doesn't want changing.

I can totally see why he thinks it's "your way or the highway."

The big question is: WHY do you care if the kid has cable???

DH and I went through this just recently. I put basic cable in my kids' rooms. It was free, and they already have flatscreens/DVD players. My DH got a little uppity about it. I didn't do what your DH did and just tell you what you wanted to hear, I stood my ground. Asked him why he had a problem with it. He just didn't think it was "necessary." Well, maybe it isn't necessary, but it costs nothing extra, and they're my kids. It's no skin off of his nose.

I just don't see why you (or he) cared about it at all.

I am trying's picture

So I shouldn't get a say in how my money is used? If he wants to pay the cable bill (or even part of it) he can do whatever he wants. I don't want SD to get it for all the reasons stated above (seriously, will no one look at the statistics?) but also because I don't think she deserves it, and it sends her the message that I will reward her even when she mistreats me. If DH feels strongly that she should have it then he can pay for it. I am not.

Also, splitting a cable is illegal where I live...

And StickAFork, in your situation you wanted to get your way as well, and when your DH disagreed with you, you asked him to give you specific reasons as to why not to do it, which he may not have had - he just didn't like the idea...but that wasn't an acceptable reason to you and so instead of causing a "nagfest" as you put it, he caved to what you wanted as well. You are not so different than I am.

StickAFork's picture

Yes, they're MY kids. Ergo, what I says goes.
Your step is NOT your kid, and that kid's PARENT wants the cable.

I notice you suddenly talk about the "cost" of the cable. Is there an INCREASE in your cable expense as a result of him running a cable into the room?
Probably not, since he split it from your room and ran it in...no mention of an additional cable box.
So, are you just wanting to pout and punish DH by refusing now to pay the cable bill even though there's no increase in cost??
Or is there a higher cost now?

THAT is the million dollar question.

stepmonster_2011's picture

I am in the camp of no tv in kids' rooms. And I agree that it was crummy of your DH to go about it that way. If he was set on doing it - then he should have let you have your say and then closed with "I understand and respect your feelings on this, but I'm still going to do this." Yeah you'd be peeved - but instead he let you find out (or hoped you wouldn't find out at all) sneaky sneaky is just plain icky.

BUT with that said - I'm with SAF on the "who cares?" if you DH doesn't care that his DD is rotting her brain out - why would you? She's treated you badly? so let her spend all her time in her room doing who knows what. Keeps her out of your hair - and truly 8 years of bad behavior isn't going to be resolved or not with the cable being allowed in her room.

I think you should take the cable bill and split by the number of TVs hooked up. Then ask him to pay for her portion (or at 12 she could be made to do some chores to pay for the privilege). THAT seems like an acceptable compromise.

twopines's picture

>>> so let her spend all her time in her room doing who knows what.<<<

Haha this is exactly why I put a TV w/cable in the room SD slept in when she was here. I sure didn't want to be around her.

doll faced sm's picture

To me, this is a lie. He said one thing then did another. I'd be livid.

I think here that the issue is not the t.v. in the SD's room. He's shown you now that your opinion on child rearing matters is not valued, so adopt the "not my kid, not my problem" mantra. Repeat as necessary.

No, you're problem is with your DH's level of comfort lying to you. *THAT* needs to be addressed.

If paying for it b/c it benefits the kid is the issue, he is now responsible for 2/3 of the bill. You will only pay 1/3 of it. If he doesn't pony up the rest and it's in his name, oh well. If he doesn't pony up and it's in your name, shut it off and let him get it turned on in his name; only pay him 1/3 the bill.

ETA: And no, don't tell her anything, just shut it off. Explaining adult situations in an age appropriate fashion is the job of a parental figure.

Frustr8d1's picture

This is NOT about money or who pays the cable bill. It's aleady hard enough to feel like a partner to our DHs without all the "it's my kid, it's not my kid, it's his kid" rhetoric. I think the real problem here is the OP's husband is contributing to alienating her as a partner in parenting. Whether it's a blended family or a nuclear family, the parents need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and it's not fair at all to the SMs out there to have to take the back seat and have no say when it comes to parenting decisions. And how much kids watch tv these days is a HUGE parenting issue and most people have pretty strong opinions on the topic.

So, the real problem here is not simply money. It's the idea of being undermined by DH just because it is "HIS kid." That's complete BS, especially if the skids live with DH and SM full time. It's almost impossible to function as a somewhat regular family when the parents are saying "this is mine so butt out," or "that's yours so I could care less."

Side note: I love the idea of not caring at all if the skids rot their brains with tv. I love the idea of disengaging on that level. However, us SMs are constantly criticized on here for not caring enough about these poor skids and for not treating them like our own. So, which is it??

StickAFork's picture

Unbelievable.
Women just HAVE to be right, no matter how wrong they are, simply because GOSH DARNIT, I SAID SO!!

Whatever, ladies.
Op pays the damn bill. The bill most likely isn't increasing. Her dh wanted to do something for HIS kid that is absolutely no skin off the op's nose except "she doesn't like it." Wah, wah, whatever.
Who cares?
Why bust his balls into submission? Let him be a damn man and make a decision for his own kid.
And... I'd reckon he wasn't "LYING" but rather agreeing, then changing his mind.

Good heavens. Why do women make their own lives so much more complicated?

bi's picture

agreeing then changing your mind without discussing it with the person you no longer agree with=LYING. play semantics all you want. if OP had agreed to something concerning this kid, then changed her mind and didn't tell dh, you would have no problem calling it a lie.

misSTEP's picture

Also, it is classified a LIE because the DH KNEW that it would make the SM mad and therefore did it on the SLY.

So, if he cheats and DOESN'T ADMIT TO IT, it is OK as long as the wifey never finds out??

Otherwise, when you have a discussion with someone that is important like that. And then you change you mind, you INFORM the other person that you have changed your mind!

Frustr8d1's picture

No way in hell that's the intent of the OP! It's not just because she "doesn't like it." What in the world is wrong with being on the same page as your spouse when it comes to parenting?? I'd be pissed as hell if my BD's dad let BD have cable in her room. Why does the SM have zero say, until the skid needs to be mothered in all the warm fuzzy kinds of ways?

If you are completely and 100% against a 17 yo watching porn or drinking alcohol but your spouse isn't, then is there not a huge conflict in parenting expectations?! It is even worse when it's "Not your kid so let them do whatever the fuck they want." Us SMs are already the outsiders---oh, unless the bratty skid who is clearly NOT ours wants a damn hug or help with school!

StickAFork's picture

Well, let's see...a 17 year old drinking alcohol is ILLEGAL. Yeah, that's the same thing. Not.

They aren't on the same page with parenting. There is NO effect on SM if there's cable in the room. None. At all. She just "doesn't like it." Dad should be "allowed" to put cable in his kid's room.

Again, no skin off SM's nose. None at all. Just a stupid power play.

I am trying's picture

There may not be a visible effect on me if SD has cable in her room, but it can have an effect on her:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.html

In short 3 reasons:
1) Children who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching TV are more likely to be overweight. (Weight not an issue with SD but she's naturally thin, though she gets out of breath just climbing the stairs in the house)

2) Kids who view violent acts are more likely to show aggressive behavior but also fear that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them. (THIS IS SD TO A "T" - sees something on TV and literally thinks it will happen to her even if it's far away. She is convinced she will be "shot" if she tries taking the bus. We live in a very safe city where shootings almost never occur.)

3) TV characters often depict risky behaviors, such as smoking and drinking, and also reinforce gender-role and racial stereotypes. (SD is very impressionable and she is on the cusp of puberty and going to high school next year. She does not need to see reinforced examples of how girls have to look a certain way or act a certain way to be liked by boys, etc.)

NOT A POWER PLAY. I can't help caring about what kind of a person she becomes. I'm not heartless, and I do worry about her. It's just not good for her. period.

StickAFork's picture

Ok.
It has nothing to do with you (which you just acknowledged) but you still want it your way.

Don't worry, you'll probably win. Your DH doesn't have the guts to cross you. Smile

You cannot keep this near high schooler in a bubble. (Your points #2 and 3.) At SOME point, she will experience "real life." Wouldn't you rather she do that when she's at an age to ask questions and discuss it with you/her father?
We're not talking a toddler here. You said she's in high school next year. She's going to laern that shootings happen and people have gender expectations.

I am trying's picture

Real life yes. But TV does not represent "real life" in any way, shape or form. I'd much rather her meet some friends and play outside rather than cowering in the house being scared of being shot if she steps outside the house. Of course shootings happen, but there's a difference between being cautious and aware of your surroundings and being irrationally terrified of something that has a very small chance of happening.

Frustr8d1's picture

Why is it wrong to not believe in kids having cable in their rooms?? I want my bios and skids to learn to interact and communicate rather than sit in their rooms becoming hermits. My opinion. But, why is that so wrong just because it doesn't agree with OP's DH??

Signed, Not a Ball Buster.

StickAFork's picture

There's nothing wrong with it.
And OP can do that for HER kids.

In this case, SM needs to get off her high horse and let it be.

BTW, I happen to agree that kids should interact and socialize and blah, blah, blah. Having cable in one's room doesn't prevent that. I have cable in my room, and Lord knows I spend A LOT of time with various members of my family.

Frustr8d1's picture

Good God, SAF, this whole "Not my kid, not your kid" thing is really what is creating more gaps in this bs blended family thing. It's already hard enough to try to make the kids feel part of a "unit" then we through the whole "mine and yours" thing in the mix.

Talk about making a complicated situation more difficult!

I am trying's picture

Yes, totally. Everything you said was exactly how I feel. I'm not a ball buster either, just trying to find my place in this family. It's hard to feel like the outsider in one's own home.

Frustr8d1's picture

Not "through"--I meant THROW!!

I hate grammar & spelling mistakes. Fk me. It's late.

I am trying's picture

Thanks for your posts everyone. I can see that it is an issue with many different opinions, so I don't feel bad about sticking to mine. Those who said it's not about the money or the cable at all, but about the PRINCIPLE of the thing were bang on. Like so many noted, the cost wouldn't change, but symbolically it is me providing SD with a luxury I don't think she deserves from me, since I've been the punching bag all these years.

Also, splitting a cable to get free TV in another room IS wrong. It is stealing (didn't anyone see that Simpsons episode?). What kind of lesson does that teach SD? If you want something but it would cost more money to do it the right way, weasel your way to getting it for free? Not cool.

Yeah DH was being shitty and spineless. If he really felt strongly about it, he should have said something. I am not some unreasonable hag who always has to be right. I am always open to discussion.

And as for a power play or being up on my high horse, that is definitely not my intention. It's not about punishing SD or just pouting because I just don't want her to have it (wah wah). I have specific reasons: DH and I do plan to have our own kids in the future (probably sooner rather than later too) and I really would not want them to have cable or even a TV in their rooms (I'm a teacher and trust me when I say the kids who don't watch tv are the most imaginative, respectful, and hardworking kids in the class). I wouldn't want the rules to be different for SD than they are for our children.

DH admits he doesn't know everything about parenting and could use my perspective. He always tells me to chime in and help him out, given my background in child psychology and development. When he does take my advice, things actually do improve! (I got SD to stop whining/trying to sleep in the bed with DH in less than a week). The thing is he always complained about his own parents just keeping him in his room, throwing video games, toys and TVs at him to keep him "out of their hair" and he always said it made him feel ignored and isolated. Yet, it's hard for him to see he's doing the exact same thing with his daughter. Something he swore he'd never do.

For those of you who said "who cares, let her stay in her room all day. At least she's out of your hair." I definitely understand that. It would be easier on me for sure not to have her clinging onto me all the time (which is what she does when she's not watching TV), but I'd rather she have to find some way of entertaining herself when it's time for us to take a break from her, instead of always expecting someone or something to entertain her. But you're right, if he's going to pull the "my kid, my rules" thing on me then I shouldn't care what she turns out to be.

The issue is still unresolved, but thanks so much for your input. It really does help me see things from other perspectives, including that of my DH. In principle, I like what one person said about having him take over the cable bill or for me to start only paying 1/3 of the bill since I'm only one of three using it, but I know this would not go over well. I did suggest having SD do things to "earn" this privilege, but DH said that it's not fair to make her do chores in a house she only lives in EOW. So, back to the drawing board.

StickAFork's picture

Call the cable company.
I'd bet dollars to donuts that running another line of basic to another room in your house is NOT stealing.
Like I said, the cable installer ran it to every room in our house, and there was no additional expense. Ergo, no "stealing."

There's no reason not to put the cable in there other than you don't like it.
Your DH even said it has to be your way or the highway. That's him telling you how he feels. He's a chicken for yes-ing you to death, indeed. He should have had the balls to stand up to you and say, "I'm doing it."

I am trying's picture

I had an issue with the cable a few years ago and when the cable guy came he saw that the cable had been split (something my dad had done for some renters we had) and told me to disconnect it right away because it's illegal and a $200 fine. He said there would be a charge to run cable to other rooms. I guess it depends on where you are. I'm in Canada.

Jsmom's picture

I think the cable in their rooms is fine. You can put parental controls on the TV for them not to watch R stuff or whatever you deem appropriate. This is a fight I would let go of. If you are paying the bill and he is not paying half, that is another issue. He needs to pay half of all expenses.

Frustr8d1's picture

I assumed from your original post that you're a reasonable person, NOT "high on your horse," NOT a "pouter" and your response...LOVE it!

I also believed your original post showed that you actually care about your undeserving SD. I mean, I think I would have taken the easy way out by keeping SD out of our hair and watching tv her whole life. The fact that you're willing to disagree with your husband on parenting issues shows you care. People would be all over your ass telling you to be the adult, be a good parent, and make sure you guide SD and be a good role model, even though SD doesn't return the favor.

We get so many mixed messages & double standards that I hoped to contribute to an actual discussion about stepparenting. You point out some interesting things that I, as a parent, find interesting. For example, your experience with teaching and seeing the difference between kids who are glued to the tv and those who are not. Your post also opens some good discussion about the "my kid, not my kid" thing and how to find a balance. Wish there could more constructive dialogue on these types of things instead of all the bashing. I, for one, am really trying to find a stepparenting balance.

Just watch though, this thread will likely come to an abrupt end since most posters would rather be argumentative and only post where there's controversy or when the OP disagrees with them. Since you are open to posters' input, many of them will not try to continue on with a normal discussion.

misSTEP's picture

Since she doesn't actually WATCH it but leaves it on for background noise...why not a radio instead? At least it doesn't use up as much electricity.

Or maybe he needs to be pitching in for the cable AND the electric bills!

What a disney/ostrich dad.

Frustr8d1's picture

"There's no reason not to put the cable in there other than you don't like it." This has nothing to do with simply not liking it. It is a pretty big parenting issue, actually. Everyone has an opinion on what is a big deal in raising kids and what isn't a big deal. It's not your decision (SAF) whether having a tv in SD's room has no impact on SM. It does have an impact on SM when she is in the same house, in the same family, and her ideas and beliefs on parenting are being undermined. It's not a power struggle. It's a person trying to do the best in what she believes is the right thing to do in raising a child who she shouldn't even have to worry about or care for. OP is actually being very selfless. I would have been happy if DH would let SD sit in her room out of our way with cable tv. That's the easy thing to do. That would have no impact on SM. SM trying to stop cable in SD's room is actually the harder road to take.

Some people don't like the idea of spanking, while endless others argue that it's o.k. in certain parenting situations. To eat candy or absolutely no junk food...to take a bath every day or every other day...to go to bed at 8:00 every night or 10:00...these are all daily parenting decisions that may or may not have significant impact on the kids or the parents, YET, all parents still want to establish the boundaries and ALL parents have opinions on the matters. Just because YOU don't care if tv is in the kids' room, doesn't mean other DO care.

You will never convince a parent to change an opinion on how kids should/shouldn't be raised. When I was growing up, my friend's mom wouldn't let her watch tv on Sunday but her dad disagreed and could care less. Which parent is right? Neither! It's something they had to discuss together as parents, not go behind each other's back to avoid the topic! It's a matter of parenting opinions. If SM believes that having no tv in SD's room will actually (God forbid) HELP SD, then why does she have to shut her mouth and do whatever DH decides, even when he goes behind her back?

It actually breaks up an already broken blended family when the SM has to completely step aside. Sometimes, stepping aside IS the right answer. But in this case, it's a matter of 2 adults finding a happy medium on parenting decisions.

Frustr8d1's picture

"There's no reason not to put the cable in there other than you don't like it." This has nothing to do with simply not liking it. It is a pretty big parenting issue, actually. Some people don't like the idea of spanking, while endless others argue that it's o.k. in certain parenting situations. To eat candy or absolutely no junk food...to take a bath every day or every other day...to go to bed at 8:00 every night or 10:00...these are all daily parenting decisions that may or may not have significant impact on the kids, YET, all parents still want to establish the boundaries.

You will never convince a parent to change an opinion on how kids should/shouldn't be raised. When I was growing up, my friend's mom wouldn't let her watch tv on Sunday but her dad disagreed and could care less. Which parent is right? Neither! It's a matter of parenting opinions. If SM believes that having no tv in SD's room will actually (God forbid) HELP SD, then why does she have to shut her mouth and do whatever DH decides, even when he goes behind her back?

It actually breaks up an already broken blended family when the SM has to completely step aside. Some

I am trying's picture

Issue resolved.

Instead of focusing on the cable, I asked DH why he is so adamant that SD stay in her room the whole time she is over. Why he doesn't want to spend time with her, etc. He said he doesn't know how to relate to her, that they have nothing to talk about, and that he hates how when anyone gives her the smallest bit of attention she goes from zero to sixty and doesn't leave their side (or just sits in the room and stares at them obsessively if they are occupied doing something else that doesn't involve her). I said that she's never going to learn about boundaries and when it's time to back off unless she has more experience interacting with people, so keeping her in her room isn't helping that situation.

So I suggested a compromise: The cable goes, because as parents we generally don't believe in it (after talking about it more, DH actually said that he does believe it is a bad idea for kids in general but he didn't know what else to do to keep her occupied so she wouldn't be all over us all the time). But the trade-off is instead of expecting her to stay in her room the whole time she is over, we actually do something with her at least once per weekend, whether it's going for a walk, playing a game, doing a craft, etc. and then through that try to teach her and practice that when the activity is over and we need some space, she needs to go find something else to do such as go play with her friends outside (we have many really nice kids her age that live on our street), or actively self-entertain instead of being passive and just watching TV, such as read a book, draw a picture, etc.

I thought that would possibly improve their relationship since DH won't be so worried about how to relate to SD if they spend more time together and he gets to know her more, and she won't be constantly seeking his attention in annoying ways if she is getting attention from him on a regular basis through these activities. He seemed to think it was a good idea and worth trying, though StickAFork will probably say he was just "yes"ing me again because I'm so overbearing and he's such a coward that he would not dare cross me. I guess we'll see.