Okay I am glad to have found this site. I am hoping to get some input from different perspectives that will help me figure out what if anything I am supposed to do next in regards to a situation that has occurred between the BM and me. I will post that situation separately, after I introduce myself.
General Background: I have 2 bios (DD-18, DS-12), 1 adopted (DD-19, was step from prev relationship) and 2 step-kids (SD-19 is not SO's bio but he has raised her since she was 3 and SS-9 who is his bio). We do not have any bios together. SO and BM have been divorced 5 3/4 years (she cheated and asked for the divorce to be with the guy she cheated with) and we started dating 4 1/2 years ago (but we were casual acquaintances for approx 5 years before we ever dated) We moved in together 3 years ago. He wants to get married, I am hesitant because of all the drama I have gone thru with family situations in my own childhood as well as my previous relationship. However, SO has made it known it's important to him to get married, so I am probably going to do it even though it scares the hell out of me.
I love my step kids but have never tried to be their mother as they have one and for the most part she is a good mom. I consider myself part of the village raising the step kids but know that SO and BM are leading the effort. That's okay with me as it's enough for me to be charge of the efforts for my own children. The step kids occasionally do things that drive me crazy, but so do my own, so I try not to let it get to me more than my own kids stuff does. Sometimes that takes me taking a time out to calm down because step kids don't get that automatic parental bias (you know my kid's crying cause he's tired but yours is crying cause he's spoiled)that parents have to ensure the survival of the species. So I sometimes have to take a time out and remind myself that my step kids are neither more nor less annoying than any other kids, it's just that I don't have the biological bond with them that allows me to instinctively overlook their flaws. Both my DDs (18 & 19) lived with us full time but are now out of the house and on their own. They visit frequently. DS (12) lives with us full time and we have SS 50% of the time. SD (19) has always lived with BM but is welcome to come and go as she pleases, the older she gets the less we see of her.
BM and I have had what I would call a friendly working relationship with occasional flashes of drama from her. I have tried to be very understanding of the drama flashes because I would have a very hard time with my child being gone from me 50% of the time. We (SO,BM and I) routinely attend kid/family events together and go to holiday/kid related parties at each others houses, etc. I have even gone out of my way to help her out with some non kid related stuff in the past.
BUT about 1 year ago BM broke up with guy she left SO for. 9 months ago at child pick up she tearfully told SO she's sorry she cheated and thinks they should have worked harder on their marriage for SS's sake. SO was taken aback and said well that's too bad and too late cause I'm with Yosemite now. BM said Well it's never too late and you never know we could still work things out. WTF?!
I called her angry about this and she said she was joking. I didn't think she was but decided to let it go as I think regrets are normal, I am secure in relationship with SO and I want to keep things stable for SS. But since that happened drama flashes have been more regular and escalating. She has start dragging SD 19 into the drama flashes. I am one of those pretty blunt tell you exactly what I am thinking type people, so trying to deal with all the drama w/o speaking my mind is a real challenge. I have been trying to take the high road but it's getting harder and harder.