I love my kids more than I hate my ex. I saw someone else point out how BM's should feel this way and as much as I despise my ex and wish all the pain and hurt he inflicted on me onto him tenfold, my kids deserve better.
Yet it hurts me and I shove it down. In the 3 years since their dad and I split he's never asked for them extra, he's "forgotten" important things involving the kids he and our dd stopped speaking or seeing each other for 3 months. This could of been great for me "Super mom" but all I kept thinking was this is their dad and how could he continue to hurt them like he does, so I pushed and pushed and pushed, him, the kids, him, his gf to somehow get through to him the need for him to remain their dad active in their lives but he had to show them he wanted them, words have been meaningless from him they needed deeds.
After almost a year of SO and I being together maybe the jealousy did it, seeing our kids interacting with another man in the dad role. Suddenly he asked to have our dd out to eat and "talk" she said it went well and she wanted to spend more time at his house on the nights I'm in school, okay sure. Then ds and him had a day without my SO or I present at one of his games and ds and dad were going to start "working out" on the days he doesn't have football practice (this also hurt my SO since he'd been trying to get my ds to do this with him) so that's 2 of the days I'm home in the evening he's gone.
I'm happy my kids are happy but why am I so hurt? Why do I want to rampage over it? Is his wanting the kids more real, or is there more here? His unemployment is about to run out in a few weeks I think and he's already 2000$ behind and soon to get the suspension of his drivers license, is he doing this to try and say HE has the kids more and make me pay him cs, (I'm in major debt over school and him behind, and lack of hours at work)If it is a ploy my kids will be devastated, but I don't think he's got the capacity to think this way. Me I want credit damn it credit for continuing to push my kids to have a relationship with their dad, reminding them when they would come home dad bashing that he was their dad and if they had an issue with him to take it up with HIM not me, when I could of joined in on the dad bashing, I want credit for speaking to his gf about him ignoring our dd and helping from her end open up communication since exh would not listen to me.
I want credit for always reminding them they only have 1 dad, that my SO may be an influential father figure, but daddy is and will always be their only flesh and blood dad. I want credit I did the right thing even though their dad's lifestyle is questionable. I want to keep them safe and I want for my own selfish reasons to keep them from him I have busted my butt raising them even when we were married. I did it all still do, I am a damn good mom and I want recognition for it, from them my kids. So I'm hurt that I did the right thing because I want something out of my sacrifices, but I did and do the right thing and should be proud, maybe when they grow up I'll get the recognition, right now it feels like abandonment by my kids.