Sounds like my SS17. Same thing happened. Loser BM, cried and cried every summer when it was time for the 3 SSs to come back after their summer visits, yet when DH sent SS17 to live with her she can't even handle supporting him. She doesn't work, was on unemployment, it ran out, her BF is supporting them. She's kicked him out twice already for his shitty attitude, which she supported 100% as long if he's shitty attitude was geared towards us. He even told her that she was just an amateur at motherhood, that she shouldn't even try that role cause it didn't suit her! It's always interesting how things play out!!

StepAside...I could not agree with you more. Any time a child is allowed to bounce between parents, trying to find the path of least resistance, the home with less rules and structure, it is a recipe for developmental disaster for that kid.

June was also the month that my SD17.5 decided that she didn't want to deal with the consequences of her own actions, and fled back to BM in true entitled SD fashion. We also have two younger children, and I'll be damned if we compromise our standard house rules for one and not the others. BM has taught SD that she can tell us off and come running back to mommy if she doesn't want to do what's expected of her in our home, because we're just so "unfair". So far, this scenario has played out four times, and in June, both DH and I had enough. SD was told that if she left our home that she could NOT come back to live here again, that she was making a permanent decision, and she'd have to work it out with BM no matter what happened. We're done rescuing her from herself. We went on to further state that this applies even if BM kicks her out again....which is inevitable.

I'm sure it will happen again soon, as BM is Dx BPD and cycles about every six months. SD is not yet Dx BPD, because she's not yet eighteen, but she fits all of the juvenile criteria and seems to have a similar cycling process to BM. When the sh*t hits the fan, we cannot "save" her this time. I know it will kill me to turn SD away when she eventually shows up on our doorstep (with suitcase in hand, tears streaking her face, on a dark, stormy night), but I will have to. At the suggestion of SD's therapist, we have put together a packet containing information on all of the local resources for a runaway. I may offer her a ride to a friend's house, or a shelter. But she will never again cross our threshhold.

I know that sounds incredibly harsh. But the turmoil and dysfunction she brings into our home has literally sucked all of the joy, color, and comfort from our world. And the emotional fallout that occurs everytime she moves back in, then leaves again, is destroying our little ones. She is dangerous to the health and well-being of everyone that lives here. BM's presence is unavoidable when she is here too, and DH and I have gone to great lengths to secure our family from her insanity.

The last time she left, BM came sprinting over to our home to collect her paycheck..I mean, daughter, and egged on a fight of epic proportions from our front door. The police had to be involved, and SD accused both me and DH of "abusing" her. Of course she didn't have any specific allegations, because there was NO abuse, but the damage had been done. After the dust had settled, and SD, BM, and police had left, I found our 12 year old in the backyard, huddled in the fetal position against the side of the house, sobbing. "She didn't even say goodbye to me," she cried. "I thought she was going to stay this time. I thought she loved us."

That is why SD can never live here again. It's too hard. BM has irreparably damaged SD by teaching her skewed views on what men are good for (money, sex, scapegoat), how authority figures should be treated (like sh*t, unless it's BM), that her father is only a wallet, that I (SM) am to blame for every thing that is wrong in both BM and SD's lives, that SD's 1/2 sibs (my DD's) are her "step" siblings, but BM's other kids (also SD's 1/2 sibs) are her "real, full sibs", and that ALL romantic and familial relationships are supposed to be dramatic, intense, and full of arguments and abuse.

What really kills me is that SD was THRIVING in our home. Her self-esteem was higher, her mood swings had leveled, her friends and teachers were all commenting on how much happier she seemed, and her therapist reported progress at each of our monthly "check-in" appointments. SD threw our family away like we didn't matter in the slightest. She didn't give one tiny sh*t about how much we had sacrificed (or just blocked all of that from her mind).

Two days after SD went back to BM's, she was at the mall getting new piercings (that DH had said no to), signed and paid for by BM, MOTY. Five days later, SD claims on FB that BM bought her a new luxury car. Six days later, BM has the AUDACITY to text DH, asking him to pay for HALF of the car!! No f*cking way in HELL!! Of course now BM tells SD that she will have to share the luxury car with BM and BM's boyfriend du jour, because DH is such an as*hole for not paying HIS half. Now it has to be the "family car", and SD can rarely drive it, yet she has to pay half of the car payment and insurance in order to drive it when everyone else isn't using it. (Which is evidently extremely rare, because I see SD sitting at the bus stop everywhere I go.)

It is mind-boggling that SD doesn't see how much BM manipulates her, and everyone else. Actually, I know that she does see it, because SD has talked to me, at great length, about many of the crappy things that BM has done to her. Yet she runs back the second things don't go her way.

If I've learned anything about SD's personality, it's that she NEEDS drama. It's all she's ever known at BM's, and our house is too "normal" for her. She feels more comfortable swirling around in the chaos and inconsistency. It's part of how her brain is wired. She protects BM with an intensity I have rarely seen, even when BM is clearly in the wrong. SD had a chance at leading a normal life with us, but now, I just see her becoming more and more a mini-BM. SD is ensuring that the cycle of mental illness in BM's family will continue into her generation, and her life skills are so poor that she'll likely do the same thing with her own children. Sadly, BM is also a fourth-generation teenage mother, and SD has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with BM when it comes to sex. I hope with all of my heart that SD can avoid leading that life too, but it sure looks doubtful at this point. The pharmacy has called several times in the past three months, reminding SD to pick up her birth control and anti-depressants, so she's obviously not taking either. SD has the potential to do great things with her life, and is a very talented student. But she craves male attention like a drug, and her self-esteem is so low that she has never demanded that any of her partners use protection. I'm sure it's a short matter of time before SD is pregnant. So sad.