My SS is a good child but I don't love him
My boyfriend and I have been together for less than a year, and are expecting a child of our own within the next 6 months. He has a 10 year old son and I do not have any children of my own (yet).
I love my boyfriend to death... before ever meeting his son he would tell me how much he loves him, and misses him and wishes he had custody (SS's mom is a deadbeat...)
I told him how excited I was to meet him, how much I loved him already before even meeting him... thinking that I did (because I loved my boyfriend so much, I would love any offspring of him)
Then I met his son. He's a perfectly normal, happy boy. He isn't mean, or rude... he is actually very polite and happy. He doesn't misbehave -- he listens, rarely arguing back. He seldom wines or complains.
However, I don't love him.... I care for him, but only because I have to. When I look after him, I never let him think I don't love him... I make sure I act like I love him as my own... but I don't, at all...
And as horrible as it sounds, I don't think he's my boyfriend's son. He looks nothing like him, and I mean NOTHING at all... not even the same eyes or ears or nose, or anything! I know some kids will take after one side of the family, but even in those cases they have at least one small trait that states "I am my father/mother's child".
I think it is incredible that my boyfriend has never questioned or doubted that his son was his, and loves him to death... it shows a lot about his character (obviously a genuine, loving man).
But for some reason I can't love his kid. In fact he really annoys me. I would never, ever tell or even hint to my boyfriend how I truly feel. I tell my boyfriend all the time I love his kid and will always love him like my own....
I love my child that isn't even born yet, who is only a few months old inside the womb... I love my child to death already because this child is my own offspring.
Is it normal? Everyone here seems to not love their SS or SD but the SS and SD all have some problems it seems... this child is a great child, I just simply do not love him.
Am I a bad person?? :?
It is normal not to instantly
It is normal not to instantly love a child who is not biologically yours - it took me a long time to bond with my daughter, and she WAS my bio child. As the SS seems a nice enough boy, hopefully in time you will come to be fond of him, but maybe not to love him - positive feelings are quite a good aim to have for stepfamilies - you don't need to aim higher than that! It really doesn't matter, as long as you treat him kindly and respectfully, and he respects you. Don't go beating yourself up because you think you should be feeling different. You feel what you feel - that's just the way it is and we can't make ourselves feel something we don't.
This article on the dynamics of stepfamilies may help you have more realistic expectations.
http://www.stepfamily.org/dynamics.html
No, you aren't a bad person
No, you aren't a bad person because you don't love your stepson. He's Not your own, it's not realistic to think that you will love him like your own. I suggest reading Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Maybe that will help give you some perspective.
And I would caution you against lying so effusively to your boyfriend. Things can change in a heartbeat in a step situation and you might in fact end up with custody at some point. Faking it all the time is a hard, tiring job that will leave you feeling drained and resentful. I'm not saying come out and say I don't love your kid, but back off from the all time and the "like my own" parts.
girl, I could have written
girl, I could have written this myself. NO, i don't love my skid, don't even like him, not even a little bit.....and i've ALWAYS questioned his paternity as well, biomom's a deadbeat drug addict, the kid has tons of physical and mental issues including but not limited to autism and motor coordination disorder. who knows who she was banging and what drugs she was doing when she got pregnant, could be anybody! and my skid too, looks ZERO like dad or anyone in dad's family....who knows where this kid came from!!! my guy's the same, she said the kid was his, so he's his. no questions asked. i'm dying to swab both of their mouths and send out an in home DNA test JUST so I know if i'm right or not. i could NEVER TELL HIM I did it, but I think about it constantly!!!!
Anyway i'm stuck with the kid so i just deal the best way i can. i love hubby and wanted to be with him, the skid is the baggage i'm stuck with, the good with the bad! skid has no 'mother', and i'm a stepmohter, i'll provide basic needs and stuff, but i do not love him, he is not my kid, i don't give him affection, etc. he can get that from his father. i used to feel bad till i got on here and realize none of us like our stepkids and raising someone else's kid aint easy! good luck girl!!!
You want my SS8? I'll take
You want my SS8? I'll take yours. LOL I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. It hasn't been very long, under a year and you are expecting so you are getting that kick of natural maternal instinct so it's okay that you don't feel that love for him yet. You may never love him in the way you thought because he's not yours. In time you may love him in the "love others" way and that's fine. Most of us will never totally love anyone else's child as much as we love our own. It may take you longer because he doesn't resemble your bf and I get that- my SS8 is not my DH's bio- and I do feel that's one thing that's impeding my ability to love him and it's been 4yrs. So I'm content just tolerating him.
As everyone has said you're
As everyone has said you're normal and so far doing the right thing. As long as the kid doesn't get "bad vibrations" from you all is well.
I assume the kids visits on weekends and such so I don't see much opportunity for "love" to grow here so don't worry if nothing blossoms. As long as you treat the kid well and he deserves your attention stay the course.