bm does this as does dh - it's ok by me for them to talk to the kids, but when it crosses the line into making the kids upset, I guess we will deal with it.

for now, my attitude is that they should be able to talk to their mom when they aren't with her because they do miss her.

The phone when X calls or answer any of X's texts when we have ss. DH used to jump for every call, but it would upset ss, and why do we need to talk to X if we have the child? Not to mention that X never ever picks up during the week when Dh calls to speak with ss, or even to discuss anything issues . There have been a few times when I have picked up and diverted the conversation. If you don't have caller ID or use a cell phone, I would suggest looking into it.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:

I have never had a problem with BM calling the skids. I always made sure they called her to let her know that they made it to our house safe and sound. (The closest we've ever lived to her is a 4-hour drive, so to me, that's just basic common courtesy.) When they were smaller and if they were especially missing her, I always helped them call her before they went to bed at night to tell her goodnight. Anytime they asked to call her, we helpeld them make the call. Anytime she called them, we let them take the call.

There are caveats. We don't take calls when we're sitting down to supper. It's not a rule that applies only to her. I wouldn't pick up if it were my own mother. When we sit down to a family dinner, we don't allow any outside distractions or interruptions. We don't take calls after we've gone to bed or before we've gotten up in the morning. If we are celebrating something as a family - having a birthday party, opening presents Christmas morning, attending some kind of event together - we don't answer at that time, be we do have the kids call her back promptly.

As a newly-married second wife, it was really irritating to have her calling my house every single day that the skids were with us. As a brand-new stepmom, it was discouraging to know that whatever time I had to bond with my new stepchildren would likely be interrupted by (and any progress made eroded by) their mother. But I am a mom myself and when my son was finally old enough to stay with my parents for a week, yes, I called him every single day that he was gone. I'm a mother. I missed him. I cannot let a day pass without talking to my children, even when they are with their own grandparents. I can relate to that, so I don't have a problem with BM calling to talk to her children.

In the early years, those calls did include a lot of questioning of the skids by BM and they would take the phone to talk to her in private. Of course, she was grilling the skids for information... how was I treating them? What were we feeding them? How were we disciplining them? The older two spied for her. We knew that and it was annoying, but we had nothing to hide and so nothing to fear. I figured that the sooner she got her answers, the sooner she'd stop fishing for info. It was true. She found out all she wanted to know and then moved on to other pursuits.

I think you have to allow the contact, even when you know there's an ulterior motive on the BM's part. But you also have to follow up with the skids immediately if they start acting funny to find out what is wrong and to deal with whatever issue was created by the call. After awhile, we got pretty good at de-escalating the skids' emotions after the calls by making innocuous statements (I'm sorry your mother feels that way); by defending ourselves (This is the truth as WE know it and from OUR point-of-view); by redirecting their attention (I know you miss your mom and that's okay. How about a hug and some ice cream?) and by letting them know they were off the hook (Honey, that's a grown-up problem, so please don't worry about it and let us grown-ups deal with it.).

It got easier as time passed. We have some loose guidelines for phone use, but they are not unreasonable for either us or for BM. It's annoying, but so many things are in this life. This is just one battle I never wanted to fight.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I have been fighting this battle since i can remember. DH doesnt see my point of having MY space invaded with calls. She calls when were camping, Birthday parties, family functions ect.. ( she even called my mother inlaw one time to hunt us down)It seems like shes always on the phone.and SS is 10 and doesnt need to talk to Mommy everyday. she will ONLY call DHs cell or step sons cell, she avoids me like the plauge.SS was home for 4 days and already DHs cell was ringing because SS wasn't answering his, I had A FIT and told DH shes wrecking MY ACTIVITIES as well, conclusion- EVERYONE except me has to leave cell phones at home, that way after we are done with our buisness and at home then we can deal with her. ive been fighting to have rules set for ever,let me know if you find a conclusion????????????????( also I feel like by DH LETTING her call his cell hes letting her do what she wants not what he asks, hes told her NOT to call cell incase of emergencies)I wish she would call the house phone

in our house. We started it about 3 years ago, because crazy BM would start calling within one hour from the time the girls came over to our house, always causing disruption and stress for them during the important transition period. She still tries. She'll call the house AT LEAST 4 TIMES A DAY (no exaggeration). And it's never becuase she's worried about THEM- it's because:
1)she's bored and needs attention, or;
2)she hates the fact that they might actually be enjoying themsleves
with us!

All 3 SDs have cells phones as well (DH originally bought them when they were first divorced and BM wouldn't allow the girls to call him on her house phone). So now she still tries to call them 10x/day on their cells (I'm not kidding on this one either, because I check the cell phone bill)- but the "No Phone Zone" rule applies to the cells as well.

We use it during these times:
*the first hour of transitions
*during meals
*during family movies/game nights
*going out anywhere together as a family
*any other time we feel BM may be particularly intrusive

Now that the girls are older, they are starting to just ignore BM on their own when they see her number show up on caller ID- even they're getting tired of her constant need for attention!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

When SD is furious with us for correcting her and demands to call her mom. THEN we say no. Oh- and DH told her no when she was throwing a tantrum on our wedding day because my SIL corrected her behavior toward BS 11. DH said no that day too. But it's rare. Usually SD is the only one that initiates phone contact to BM, and half the time BM doesn't bother to call her back. But for years BM wouldn't let her call DH at all from over there at all, or holds the phone on speaker for SD (13). So DH would call and try to talk to her once or twice during the three days she was there, especially during the custody case when BM was very neglectful or verbally abusive to SD. He would leave a message (BM rarely answers for him) and then SD would hardly ever call back, or call back in the car on her way to school on the morning she was coming back here after school anyway.

BS 13 calls his dad a few times daily while here,just to chat, but usually only calls me once a week from there if he needs to know something. It makes me feel a little bad to not have as good a connection with him as his dad, but I have four kids. BS 11 is very close to me. So I am just thankful that he does have a really tight bond with his dad. It's important they feel that close to one of their parents, even if it's not me

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

OR I hear the Dark Side theme from Star Wars on DH's phone and I know she's calling him?

I feel physically ill.

I think it's because she refuses to talk to me. The rare time I've chosen to answer the phone she has hung up several times and called back hoping to get SD. I am always over the top polite to her on the phone, and once she even said thank you when I told her I would get SD up early to get ready because she was on her way to pick her up.

But I can count the sentences we've spoken to each other on one hand in FOUR years.

I think that's what makes me feel ill. It's nothing she's ever said to me face to face.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

when it was her...she didnt even ask for him, she just started screaming about did WE pay daycare yet. i tol dher i would give him the message and she went off about something else...like pickup times or some bs. i tried to cut her off but she kept going so finally i said ive seen the papers...they say x. she went off then about what business did i have looking at the papers for HER kid. so i just hung up.
for a hot minute i used to answer the door when she was allowed to pick SD up at our house...i did this bc SHE was the one who said she didnt wanna deal w him...turns out, she didnt wanna DEAL w me either and went off on me...name calling and such. screaming on our front lawn. so thats why shes not allowed there.
she used to call so much and everytime his phone would buzz w a text i would get that nauseas feeling in the pit of my stomach. she used to call and text so much that im programmed for it...so every time his phone buzzes w a text i get that sick feeling again wondering if its her. ugh

her calls always end with my SS saying "dad mom wants to talk to you". We ALWAYS have SS answer the phone when she calls(thank god for caller ID!)but she allways asks to talk to my husband about some dumb thing.Same thing when SS is with his mom and calls us. You can hear her right next to the phone when SS is talking to his dad and she will ask to talk to my husband again for something stupid. This drives me nuts but what can we do? Its not like my husband can tell his son he does not want to talk to this crazy mother.

We let SD answer the phone. Most of the time she is outside playing so I let it go to voice mail and then when she comes in I tell her that her mom called and ask her if she wants to call her back. 9 times out of 10 she doesn't want to call back so I tell her that she can put it off until later that evening but she has to call her back.

My DH has papers that agree to calls being returned within 24 hours. Not that BM complies with this but he chooses not to do the tit for tat and just always try to do what is the right thing for SD.

and she didn't call for a whole day before? Shesent a message "have daughter call me please" he sent back (I stayed out of it) Don't bother me on Father's Day the girls will call tomorrow - u talked to them day before.
She replied "I am not worried about you and could care less - I want to talk to me daughter now" He didn't reply - she never called, end of story - crazy bith.