Is it OK to dscipline your step kids???
Here's the senario:
My husband, his 11 YO son and 15 YO daughter and I went camping one weekend. My husband was with his daughter at a ceramics class and he asked me to take his son to the relay games that were scheduled in the campground. I registered him and listed my name as his responsible party. During the awards of these games I'm approached by another parent to tell me "my son" had broken into the campground miniature golf course and stolen the golf balls with her son. I ask my SS about this and he shows me the golf balls he had taken. When I asked him about why and how this happened he lied about it and said he found them. I questioned him more and we finally came to the truth. I had been planning some special acitvities the next day for him, things that I would have paid for. I took those two activiies away from him as a punishment and made him return the golf balls to the camp ground owner. I did this since I was the responsible adult for him during these games. I didn't ground him to the camper for the remainder of the weekend, he was free to do the other things in the campground that were free. i just didn't feel right paying for fun things when he had stolen something.
My husband agreed with my approach and supported my efforts. My SD however did not. One of the activities I took away from SS she decided to play and pay for him to play also. she told my husband that I had no right to discipline SS and he didn't have to listen to me. she also said that i did not take "her" into consideration when punishing SS. One of the things scheduled was something she wanted to do. She didn't want to do it alone so she said SS should be permitted to do it regardless of what he did wrong.
My issue is DH has not talked to SD about this. He was more concerned about her being angry with him than the disrespect she showed to me.
So here's my question. We are scheduled to go camping again this weekend. DH wants me to go because it's easier for him when I do. I can cook for them and clean up after them and help pay for things is really what he's saying. SD likes my cooking and complains when DH has to do the cooking. My thoughts are that I don't go. It's a lesson for both of them. DH will need to take care of things himself if I'm not around.
My other issue is I'm having a difficult time even being in the same room with SD right now. If DH would just address this issue and let her know when I'm around I am the adult, not her things might be better. What SS did was wrong. I was only trying to help teach him something important.
Any thoughts or imput for my upcoming travel??? How do I tell DH I don't want to go and why without causing a huge fight. I want to send a message but I don't want to turn it into world war three.
Thanks for listening........
I wouldn't go. If he's not
I wouldn't go. If he's not concerned about your feelings and how upset you are over being completely disrespected, I don't think you should be the slightest bit concerned about how upset he'll be when he finds out you're having a peaceful weekend to yourself. At home.
You shouldn’t feel like you
You shouldn’t feel like you have to go on the trip.
Most people on here say a SM should not discipline the skids, but in my case, DH and SD moved into my home so I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a kid run wild in my home with no discipline. If DH won’t do it, I will. I have absolutely no problem doing it. DH even admits I am the disciplinarian (which may be ridiculous but that’s just the way it is lol).
NO WAY should you go on that
NO WAY should you go on that trip!!! Your DH ignored your feelings, your SD was disrespectful to you, and now they want you to come along to cook and clean up after them?? Hmm...I can think of about 400 million better ways to spend the weekend.
I would tell DH that you are not comfortable spending much time with SD now because of what happened, and if he wants you to go on any trips in the future, he needs to rectify the situation-and not let SD get away with that BS.
Do NOT go on that trip!! I
Do NOT go on that trip!! I would stay home; DH needs to understand that not only are you not JUST the help, but also he needs to talk to your SD about her lack of respect for you, and get her to understand that you DO have the right to discipline her and her brother. You may not be their biological parent, but you do have a responsibility to the kids to not only keep them safe, but to show them right from wrong.
I'm one who believes SPs
I'm one who believes SPs shouldn't hit their SKs (however, that goes out the window if if the SK hits SP)I think you were right to handled this.
I don't care how much SD paid for the activity, SS would not have joined her. Dad would have been forced to say something right then and there because I would not have backed down. Since she got away with this, she will continue to think that she can ignore what you say when it comes to her brother.
If you want to go on the next trip,go but refuse to cook,clean, pay for stuff...for everyone else. It won't kill them to spend the weekend eating sandwiches and cereal and doing the free stuff at the site.
So here's how things played
So here's how things played out.
I didn't go camping with them. when they arrived back home from the weekend my DH immediately complained about my son leaving the computer on. I didn't want to correct him about it in front of the kids so my only reply is "he's not the only one who does this." It was actually his daughter who left the computer on, not my son. my son wasn't home all weekend. He went back to college on Friday and his daughter used the computer just before they left for camp (after my son was gone)!
After I said that to my husband he smiled at me and jokingly said "well you should know better..." meaning I left it on. I believe he was trying to avoid disciplining SD. I said to him "I haven't used a computer in days. Of course my SD couldn't keep her mouth shut and she said "you use one at work all the time" and sat their with a smirk on her face like she won. I replied with "this conversation was between your father and I. your input was not requested!" She sat there, looking totaly shocked that I stood up for myself. She left the room pounting but quiet.
I feel a small sense of victory, but a larger sense of concern because I know the war is just about to begin with her.
These next couple of visits should be terrible. Do I make myself scarce or more visible?? Help I don't know what to do now.....
I think that was a great
I think that was a great response to your sd! I think you should make yourself visable, it's your house after all! Don't let her feel like she has the kind of power over you where she can make you disappear by being unpleasent. Don't let her see she makes you angry or upset and just keep responding to her as you did, calmly and firmly without letting emotion get in to it. She wants you to get emotional, to get under your skin. Don't give her the pleasure.
Having said that, if your DH is going to disrespect you in front of his kids (which is really the worst thing he can do) by ignoring the way she speaks to you etc. Your basically beating your head against a wall. She won't ever stop until you DH insists she does.
Don't go. If SD hates his
Don't go. If SD hates his cooking then GOOD! Fake being sick , work , family ect. whatever it takes. Let the SD eat his cooking. Then when they get bk and the SK's go home sit him down and tell him , How SD underminded you. And YES thats what I call what she did! She played the guilt trip , ALL teens do this , Just I find TEENSK's do it more often because they know their dads dont spend much time with them and dads will do whatever it takes to keep the peace with their TEENGIRL while they do have time! I have 2 teensd's and 1 teenss. I get where your coming from It's hard I know . But I do feel you were in the right to do what you did to ss , But I think dh should have stepped in when sd did her drama (" i did not take "her" into consideration when punishing SS." Well no! No one thought of YOU, cause it didn't have anything to do with YOU) and I'm not sure how long you've been with dh and sk's but dh should have more respect for you than to let a teen "run the show". But then again thats just me and I'm right here with everyone else @ step talk :?
STEPMONSTER }:)
I had no problem being the
I had no problem being the enforcer with my SD when she was young, her Dad backed me up and she knew it. If your in my care you darn better understand that you will follow the rules and no lip from the SD will be tolerated! The BM didnt dare confront me on that rule. Best to put them in their place right away so they know who the adult is. Either way they are going to hate you anyways so you might as well. It saves your sanity