new here and need advice
I have been married for 5 years and have a 8 year old stepdaughter. I have been in her life since she was 2. We used to get along great. I treated her like my own child. Her BM is a complete wacko. She has always let her do whatever she wanted and never disciplined her. She thinks she's too young. Well, since sd has gotten older...her attitude has gotten worse. When she comes to our house she is very disrespectful, rolls her eyes, tries to boss my 4 year old son around...ect. Then when she goes home she tells her mother lies about my house so her mom will call and yell at my husband...these are flat out lies. She is doing this because she knows how to play the parents against eachother....her mom says it's normal for a 8 year old girl to be so snotty and that she is too young to be punished for lying. Well last week I get a phone call from my husband saying that he just got off the phone with bm and she is not going to allow sd to come over anymore because I ignore her and she doesn't think I like her. The truth is I do ignore her. I dread when she comes to my house...because she acts like she doesn't want to be here and I know that when she goes home she is going to make up more lies and start more trouble and I can't stand the fact that nothing is ever done about it...so I try to stay away from her as much as possible and figure that if my husband wants to kiss her ass then he can do it...but I refuse to let a 8 year old disrespect me, so I don't even bother with her. Anyways, about the phone call...I tell him that he needs to set up a time when him, me, bm and her husband can get together and talk without sd there...she said there was no reason for it and I could just call her...I have tried talking to her before on the phone and got absolutely nowhere...I would have been able to have a more intelligent convo with my 4 year old. So I wrote her a myspace message explaining everything that was going on. I did not attack her daughter in the message, but just explained that I am sick of the lying and her being snobby to me, my friends and my family. My own son wouldn't get away with it and neither will she...and so on. Well she replies and says that I will never see her again and that she will see my husband in court...To tell you the truth I really don't give a crap if I ever see her again...but I am married to her father and I don't want to live like that. I do want to get along with her and be closer to her...but she makes it impossible. She is starting all of this drama and she is only 8...what is going to happen when she is 16? My husband thinks I am totally wrong and that I should not give up on her because it's not her fault that she is the way she is...I get that, but when is she going to be accountable for her own actions. This is so bad, I have even thought about divorcing my husband...but I don't want to tear apart my family over a kid that is at our house every other weekend. Hubby and I agreed that something needs to be done about her lying when she goes home...the only problem is we have her every other weekend and her mother will not help us at all and we live almost 2 hours away from her...but she has to know that she won't get away with it anymore...at least not from us...does anyone have any advice on how to deal with her and any ideas on what I should do to establish a relationship with her? I am at my wits end and just need some advice on others that have went thru/are going thru the same thing. Sorry this is so long...Thanks in advance for any replies.
She has to be held accountable
I entered my SD life when she was 8-years-old. She was exactly the same way (we had her half the time). No one made her accountable, and now it's 11 years later. SD is 19-years-old and is a lying, manipulative snot. She is unhappy, unsuccessful and has no plan for her future. Your DH and the BM are not doing her any favors whatsoever. She has to be held accountable for bad behaviors and for lying. Being accountable builds character and self-esteem...which leads to happiness. They shouldn't take that away from their daughter because they feel guilty. As far as establishing a better relationship -- don't do what I did. I kissed my SD's butt for 10 years, took her on trips (just the 2 of us) and was there for her no matter what (when her father and mother were not). Guess what? She hates me now for no reason and told her father 2 months ago (out of the blue) that it's me or her. Keep in mind that we have been married for 11 years! Demand respect and set some boundaries -- don't make my mistakes. Good luck.
New Info
StepLightly...Thanks for your quick reply
Well, my husband called bm and told her that he would be at their house next Friday to get her for scheduled visitation and she needs to be there or he will go to the pd and file a report to take to court. She flipped out and said that he has no rights to her, even though they have a parenting agreement with the court system...this chick is seriously nuts...she said that she is going to call DCFS on ME so that her daughter will not be allowed around me. I have never touched this kid or abused her in any way at all...the only thing that she can say is that I ignore her...but that's not abuse, since my husband is always there with her...Is there anything I can do if she does call and makes a false report? My husband lets her get away with everything, because he wants to keep the peace...I, on the other hand will not put up with this and she will pay...I just don't know how...any advice?
I am in the process of opening a home daycare and I don't want this to effect my license in anyway. I just can't deal with this anymore...:sick
we just went thru this
first it was me abusing SD then it was my BF's son who is 15...had to have a GAL appointed to investigate her LIE and it cost us close to $1000. obviously, they ofund nothing, but nothing happened to BM for all she put us thru. i hope it goes better for u...good luck. ur situation is what i fear mine will be like in a few yrs
Some advice...
Yep -- here goes. If she calls DCFS, they will contact you. Tell them that you are not surprised as you were 'threatened' with a phone call because BM knows you are opening a home daycare. Tell the case working at DCFS, "please interview my SD, as I know you are an expert at this and you will know if it is indeed a true issue or made-up by SD or coached by BM". Your willingness to cooperate and openness will show that you are the victim, and it will label her as the 'angry ex-wife'. I've seen them even put this in the file. You will be fine!
ughhhhhh
so bm called my husband last night like nothing was wrong and asked him what time he would be there to pick her up. This chick is bipolor, I swear. She was also crying on the phone asking him how he could let me be mean to her...hello, he is married to me, not you...I really hate her. Thanks for the info btw
One thing BM needs to remember
The visitation is for SD and her father. You are not ignoring her; rather, you've chosen to disengage from her. If she withholds visitation from your husband he needs to file contempt. She could get in big time trouble for interfering with her daughter's relationship with her father.
Give her control of her feelings
....But never let her have control of your home. I have been in my SD life for 8 years and she has always known that this is her dad's and my house. She also understands that we love each other and we are going to be together forever and even though DH is not with BM doesn't mean he loves SD any less. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and it sounds like your DH might need to be a little more willing to rock the boat with BM. In the beginning I made it very clear that I would not take a back seat to the BM but I do give SD and DH space and time to have alone time together.